How to say 'No'

[LightRibena]

I am getting married in October. Currently I feel like eloping.

How do I tell people (including my mother-in-law to be) that I want to do something different to their suggestion? My problem is I am a little too polite and shy to just outright say what I'm actually thinking or want. So here are my real problem areas.

1. I am getting married in a Catholic church. I agreed for my future husband as he believes in God and it is the Church he grew up around. I don't believe in God and would rather of had it somewhere outside. My issue here however is that it sounds like people are making it too religious for my (and my fiances) liking. First the readings from the bibles, then the prayers and then I was told so and so was going to sing and I needed unity candles. How do I compromise here? I'm scared they will try and force us to have communion at the wedding and I'll snap and refuse to marry in any church ever.

2. I recently moved to Canada, but all my friend and family are back in the UK. None of my bridesmaids can actually make it over here because of cost and I've decided that I'm not going to ask some girl I barely know for the sake of having a bridesmaid. I don't think the MIL will be fond of this decision, so how do I tell her? Last time it was mentioned, she suggested one of my fiances cousins, I said I guess and swiftly changed subject.

3. Our reception venue is the church hall, which we got for free as the MIL is in charge of it. Granted, I'd have preferred to have put up a marque, but I guess you can't complain at a free venue. The main issue here (so far) is the table set up. We don't like how the MIL is intending to get the tables set up and would like to go in and have a play with the tables ourselves.

4. Others opinions are probably what pisses me off the most. Now, I know they are trying to be helpful but it doesn't always come off that way. In recent discussions I was asked about my centerpieces. I described my basic idea that I had so far, they responded by saying I should do this instead. I was asked about my wedding picture location on the day, we want them on the beach, again this idea pretty much wasn't to their taste so they suggest something else, the popular one being someones lawn stood next to a flower bed. How do I politely say that I'm happy with my own idea?

I feel out of control of my wedding and I feel like people are steering me into having a stereotyped wedding. I can feel myself wanting to snap and know I need a way to feel in charge of it all before I actually do.

[MaxtheGaul]

Firstly it's your day more than anyone else's so it's important that you are happy with it. Normally the Bride's mum is in charge and the bride has to wrestle control from her mum. This sounds more challenging, particularly as I guess you aren't in control of the money.

Having said all that make sure your man is on your side - don't marry him if he isn't

then decide what you want and provided you are not making things more expensive than they otherwise would be nobody has a right to tell you otherwise, so stick to your guns and, together with your man, insist!

[LightRibena]

I guess you aren't in control of the money.

We're paying for the majority of it, although thanks to his parents we are getting a good chunk of our food for free. My parents are buying me the bits to go with the dress.

[Mr B]

You have to just take a deep breath and say it how it is. Say its your wedding and you're doing it your way. Sorry if they dont like it but its your day. End of.

The sooner the better too, the longer it goes on then more money gets spent etc

[MaxtheGaul]

If you're paying then it's easy, your money and your wedding - do it your way and refuse to spend anything at all on things that you don' t completely approve of. Frankly is pretty cheeky telling you how to run your own wedding even if they were paying. If you're paying it's outrageous. Tell them how it's going to be - end of!

[H. Franklin Layne]

LR, Max and Mr B have it nailed. This is presumably the one and only time you go through this, and it is a special day for you. Don't live your life out resenting the fact it wasn't YOUR day...... you really do need to put your foot down and take control. Otherwise the feelings of resentment towards those that ruined your big day, ie HIS family.....will always be a in-the-back-of-mind source of friction.

[franfran]

Forced to have communion? Are you Catholic? To receive Communion, you must be in a state of grace, have made a good confession since your last mortal sin, believe in transubstantiation, and observe the Eucharistic fast. I don't see how you can be forced to have communion. From what you have posted, I would think that you are simply not eligible to recieve it (don't get me wrong there - I don't mean that as an insult, just a statement of fact).

If you are not eligible for communion, you can still be married in a Catholic church, but one question you need to resolve is, if God blesses you with children, what religion will they be brought up in. But this is for the two of you to sort out.

Being married in a church is something special. It is more than just a marriage. If the two people do not belong to the same church, it complicates things, but don't let it spoil it for you. Marriage is a covenant with God. It is the means "by which a man and woman establish between themselves a partnership for the whole of life" (Catechism of the Catholic Church, #1601).

[LightRibena]

Forced to have communion? Are you Catholic? To receive Communion, you must be in a state of grace, have made a good confession since your last mortal sin, believe in transubstantiation, and observe the Eucharistic fast. I don't see how you can be forced to have communion. From what you have posted, I would think that you are simply not eligible to recieve it (don't get me wrong there - I don't mean that as an insult, just a statement of fact).

If you are not eligible for communion, you can still be married in a Catholic church, but one question you need to resolve is, if God blesses you with children, what religion will they be brought up in. But this is for the two of you to sort out.

Being married in a church is something special. It is more than just a marriage. If the two people do not belong to the same church, it complicates things, but don't let it spoil it for you. Marriage is a covenant with God. It is the means "by which a man and woman establish between themselves a partnership for the whole of life" (Catechism of the Catholic Church, #1601).

I'm not Catholic, I'm not even religious. My other half was brought up Catholic and although he believes in the good morals it can teach he does not practice his religion. We have already agreed any children will go through catechism and can decide for themselves what they believe.

I discovered yesterday that the only reason we are getting married in church is to keep his family happy after they put up a stink about having an outdoor/beach wedding like we both wanted.

[none of the above]

Sorry but this is your wedding. I know these things involve more than just the two but even so, do you want to remember this day as not "what you both wanted"?

The only way I see out of this before going into any negotiations write down what you want for each bit (food, location, layouts etc) and either perhaps have a family meeting (your family too via Skype so not all one sided) to thrash it out... or give your MIL "a job" to look after/keep her busy, preferably one that won't have much impact on the things you and your partner actually want.

Like Mr B says the longer it goes on the more money is spent and you lose more control. For your original question I don't know how you're going to make this tactful but you're not happy already, it's not going to change unless the word no appears very soon.

[MaxtheGaul]

Good post NOTA.

Giving up the beach was one huge concesssion. They should be bending over backwards to make sure everything else is the way YOU want it. Maybe you should tell them you are sufficiently unhappy that you want to postpone the whole thing. That will make them wake up!

[DanMc]

Regarding the communion thing I went to a Catholic funeral recently and it was made very clear to us that only practising Catholics could receive it. This means that your future husband and his family, if they are also Catholic, will be offered communion and you will not, in effect making you a second class citizen at you own wedding.

[jenniferTT]

Firstly it's your day more than anyone else's so it's important that you are happy with it. Normally the Bride's mum is in charge and the bride has to wrestle control from her mum. This sounds more challenging, particularly as I guess you aren't in control of the money.

Having said all that make sure your man is on your side - don't marry him if he isn't

then decide what you want and provided you are not making things more expensive than they otherwise would be nobody has a right to tell you otherwise, so stick to your guns and, together with your man, insist!

I agree with this one. It's your day. And it's most important that you are happy. Be brave and tell the man and families your feelings. You deserve a happy wedding. Best wishes!

[jaxxx]

deleted - double post.

[jaxxx]

That is tough. I've been in wedding parties and witnesses this very thing. Here is what I've seen work really well.

Get both moms together (if possible). Explain to them that you and hubby welcome their ideas but have your own as well. You'll consider any thoughts they have but ultimately you'll do what you and hubby-to-be want to do. Explain to them it's not to hurt anyone's feelings. If you and future hubby share the burden of the decision making, the moms and family members will understand.
If people continually push an issue, tell them you have other things to think about first but you'll think about it and talk to hubby when the time comes.
Be upfront, to the point but polite.

[LightRibena]

Thanks for the advice.

I am quite fortunate really that my parents aren't getting too involved. In fact they'll provide their opinions and advice when asked for it, rather than whenever they see something tacky that they like, such as pop up paper bells. I'm going to make a bigger effort to assert myself.

As for the outdoor wedding, if my fiance keeps getting growled at because he didn't go to church again, he'll like snap and say screw getting married in the church.