Why are you with your partner?

[Spoilt Bi]

I guess I'm just trying to figure out why I'm with my partner, and whether I should still be with him.

Hopefully this method will help me work it out!

What are the top three reasons you are with your partner (please do not use children as a reason, if they are relevant)?

[LightRibena]

Because I am honestly in love with him (1) and although I cannot explain really why this is, I do know that he makes me feel confident and happy (2) and he is that one person I can turn to even at times when I don't want to talk to anyone else (3). I guess in a nutshell, we make each other feel complete and we work in sync with each other.

Why are you doubting your relationship?

[Mr B]

I think for many, the answer will be, "becasue I cant be arsed finding someone else"

[Rainmaker]

One of the difficult questions - especially as time passes...
The simplest and the most fundamental questions are always the most difficult.

The strange thing is that it's usually much easier to find 3 reasons good enough for not being with your partner.

[jinjin]

I believe you only need two top reasons. His goals involve me be and my goals involve him. Without those two reasons, no amount of love can keep two people from drifting apart.

[thorpe1965]

If we are honest probably many of us have asked the same question. I'm in the same boat as you. My partner is a good man and I love him dearly but we seem increasingly able to get on, we have fundamental difficulties in communicating due to baggage which we have acquired over the years and to be honest I don't know how to sort it. Why are you doubting your relationship?

[walterego]

I ask myself this question more each day. She seems to be suffering the mid-life female libido death, and that leaves me sad, depressed, bitter and frustrated. We did recently have sex, but it was the first time in nearly a year. I enjoyed it, but in my mind were all sorts of negatives, like how long will it be before the next, and trying to ensure I didn't do anything that might deter that prospect. She is the sort of person who is very enthusiastic with anything new, cars, clothes, hobbies etc, but as things in her life become commonplace, she forgets them, and I feel like I am now a pair of old shoes left in the bottom of her wardrobe. Occasionally she sees me there and might even try me on, but quickly puts me back to languish for a few more months or longer. I love her, adore her, and want her as badly as the first day I set eyes on her. I work hard to provide for her and our two boys, but I really don't know how much longer I can do this without the reward of feeling loved and desired. I wake every day to her naked beside me, but can't touch her as her reaction is usually akin to sticking her with a cattle prod. Every night I see her undress and again lay beside me, beautiful, sexy and naked, and ache to touch her and have her want to touch me and share that sacred pleasure, but it never happens. She says she simply isn't interested,often using the 'tired' excuse (we might have 2 young children, but she doesn't work apart from their care, and I do more than my share of that too), that she has more important things going on in her life, and that it isn't important to her. We are only in our early 40's, not our 80's, but my sex life has resorted to one like a 15yo, sneaking a wank whenever I can to try and satisfy my natural urges. I have registered on a couple of dating sites, but I guess for every 500 guys like me there'll be just one female. Why am I with her ? Because the very sight of her warms my soul, makes my heart skip, and stirs passion in me. Perhaps we should ask why she is with me instead !

[LightRibena]

I ask myself this question more each day. She seems to be suffering the mid-life female libido death, and that leaves me sad, depressed, bitter and frustrated. We did recently have sex, but it was the first time in nearly a year. I enjoyed it, but in my mind were all sorts of negatives, like how long will it be before the next, and trying to ensure I didn't do anything that might deter that prospect. She is the sort of person who is very enthusiastic with anything new, cars, clothes, hobbies etc, but as things in her life become commonplace, she forgets them, and I feel like I am now a pair of old shoes left in the bottom of her wardrobe. Occasionally she sees me there and might even try me on, but quickly puts me back to languish for a few more months or longer. I love her, adore her, and want her as badly as the first day I set eyes on her. I work hard to provide for her and our two boys, but I really don't know how much longer I can do this without the reward of feeling loved and desired. I wake every day to her naked beside me, but can't touch her as her reaction is usually akin to sticking her with a cattle prod. Every night I see her undress and again lay beside me, beautiful, sexy and naked, and ache to touch her and have her want to touch me and share that sacred pleasure, but it never happens. She says she simply isn't interested,often using the 'tired' excuse (we might have 2 young children, but she doesn't work apart from their care, and I do more than my share of that too), that she has more important things going on in her life, and that it isn't important to her. We are only in our early 40's, not our 80's, but my sex life has resorted to one like a 15yo, sneaking a <A HREF='http://www.femalefirst.co.uk/catalog/default.php/cPath/23_64' target='_blank'>W***</A> whenever I can to try and satisfy my natural urges. I have registered on a couple of dating sites, but I guess for every 500 guys like me there'll be just one female. Why am I with her ? Because the very sight of her warms my soul, makes my heart skip, and stirs passion in me. Perhaps we should ask why she is with me instead !

Why have you signed up to dating sites?
Have you tried couples counciling?

[RuggedFreeClimber]

1) She's beautiful.

2) She understands me better than 98% of the other women I've ever encountered and actually appreciates me that way.

3) She sees my commitment to her and our marriage and seeks to match it. By that I mean that I constantly build her up, not just to her but to everybody. I apologize first and refuse to say hurtful things just because I may feel hurt myself. I try to do things around the house or such that I know are brewing on that mental list that women keep (even if I don't understand how exactly it works) to remove some of that weight she thinks she has to carry. Each of these things she is willing to pause and appreciate and then instead of simply being willing to lavish in it, she returns it.

[walterego]

Why have you signed up to dating sites?

As I am at my wits end, depressed and sexually frustrated. When I do have sex I feel happy, light and fun. She says my mood is one of the reasons she is like she is, yet does nothing to help, leaving me to sort my own head out and knowing full well that without her involvement this will never happen, so she gets the situation she wants every time. When you look back and realise that you had sex in June of 2011, then again in May of 2012, and that it could be well into 2013 before anything else happens, you start to look elsewhere.

Have you tried couples counciling?

Yes. Date nights and arranged massage sessions become false and disinteresting, lacking spontaneity and genuine feeling. We've talked and talked 'til we're blue in the face and both know fully what's wrong, but she always lays the blame on me and never does anything to alleviate the situation. Counciling was my idea, and she opposed it at first. It eventually fizzled out as it was placing demands on her so she made her excuses and we stopped.

I can honestly say, if I didn't have two children with her that she would be living elsewhere by now.

[theAlphaDuck]

........

Buddy I can Honestly I feel it,

I'm exactly where you are coming from.

In fact i'm sitting in my office here because it's friday night, my plans fell through and i really don't want to go home.

It gets to a point where, well i don't know if you have but i know I have,

where you ask yourself. "hey so heres me doing all this and trying all that, and actually what the F*** are you doing?"

oh and i'm only a youngling - yet in same situation.

word for word.

So I have no advice at all.

It's a b***** catch 22 - because i'm good looking and in my 20's - and i used to put it about A LOT - so i can get girls,

young and pretty ones, and occasionally i do.

Sometimes i tell them my situation, sometimes I don't

But the worst part of it is.

you meet someone young and pretty - and you F*** each others brains out....and 2-3 days later you end up feeling SO F****** miserable.

not guilt - (because seriously "cheating" requires having sex with more than one person at a time right - and hey it's not like i'm not trying, and then having to deal with the infinite joy of rejection from my own partner. - hmmmm I love that Colgate feeling)

but a feeling of "why can't i just get this normally?"

I don't know, perhaps my missus is just completely a-sexual

and yea - if it wasn't for the sprogs - laters.

but hey ho - commitments were made. - and standing by your word is what men do - real men, at least how i was raised.

and even when you type it on an anon forum you feel like a cnut for saying it.

But in truth it's true.

I love her - and i think in her own way she loves me but.............

and there is the but...

and there in lies the devil...there in lies the detail.

It's bolloxs - you know it is - and that's that. welcome to life - lol

and yea - when you talk to people - they always have such advice.

oh have you tried talking about it...

yea sure...of course i have - of course you have...but that conversation soon ends up all about her and all about how your an arsehole (amirite?)

and lets face it - it's not just the secks - it's the hugs and the kisses and the general day to day physical affection you know is normal - the kind you give her - yet somehow ends up thrown back in your face - or just plain ignored (if your lucky)

oh have you tried this...maybe its that...perhaps you could...

and do you know what it comes down to...

it comes down to "F*** you! - your not pulling your weight, i'm not happy and it's like you don't give a F***"

I'm pretty sure porn stars don't suck dick because they love it - and hey ho - it's not killing them.

and yea...this is turning into a rant - because let's face it

that's all you got left.

your stuck smashing your head against a brick wall.

because what are you gonna do?

you gonna bail on your family?

NO...no your not.

so your gonna do what needs to be done to keep it the F*** together.

even if it F****** drains you...and it will.

and you will keep going...because you might get moody...you might have thoughts of this...thoughts of that..

but you know what...your not some bitchy little girl...you're a F****** man.

and somewhere in your skull is a voice that says something along the lines of.

"suck that S*** up soldier..get up...quit your bitching and keep going"

and you do...and you will.

and she will never know.

and so no - there is no advice...just your not alone.

and yea we can all wonder ...

Is she doing it on purpose, is it that she doesn't care...or is she just downright oblivious to it all.

and the answer you give yourself will probably only depend on whatever day of the week it is.

SO yea...in answer to the OP

why am I with her - because i said i would be.

I made a commitment - and when i say something - it means something.

/rant

[kinghelfer]

Why have you signed up to dating sites?

I can honestly say, if I didn't have two children with her that she would be living elsewhere by now.

....Bolleaux.....He's signed up to dating sites for the shag...as soon as you find someone "sensetive and understanding" to your needs you'll be off. Men never move out without setting themselves up first, kids or no kids.......

[LightRibena]

Sometimes staying together for the kids isn't the right way to go. For starts, your kids learn how to conduct adult relationships from their parents. There's no shame in admitting you couldn't make it work together and you do a better job raising your kids out of a partnership.

[kinghelfer]

Sometimes staying together for the kids isn't the right way to go. For starts, your kids learn how to conduct adult relationships from their parents. There's no shame in admitting you couldn't make it work together and you do a better job raising your kids out of a partnership.

...He already knows that. Thats going to be his big speech when he tells her he's got someone else...probably younger. Read his post history - he's tried openly asking for it and gotten nowhere so now he's trying for sympathy.......

[H. Franklin Layne]

Sometimes staying together for the kids isn't the right way to go. For starts, your kids learn how to conduct adult relationships from their parents. There's no shame in admitting you couldn't make it work together and you do a better job raising your kids out of a partnership.

...He already knows that. Thats going to be his big speech when he tells her he's got someone else...probably younger. Read his post history - he's tried openly asking for it and gotten nowhere so now he's trying for sympathy.......

ALWAYS a good idea!