Basic Information On Becoming a step-parent

[Polgara69]

Obviously they would still be alive. But not every stepfather is going to kill their stepchildren. That is the point I am trying to make. I have answered your question, now you answer mine. Is EVERY step parent going to kill or abuse their stepchildren?

The answer to that question is irrelevant. As you admit -- those children would all still be alive if it wasn't for their selfish mothers. They placed their OWN needs above THEIR CHILD. They DID NOT CARE about the child. Had they done so they would have NOT moved someone in. I wouldn't give a damn if the mother was murdered by the stepfather. It would serve her right. No-one else to blame! But unfortunately, as with every stepfamily, the child pays the price.

Just because your stepchildren/children might be still breathing . . . isn't actually an opportunity to say "Hey! This is working!"

Let's face it:

The man you moved in could easily have belted your child, attacked him, psychologically or physically abused him, or killed him. It's fortunate that didn't occur -- but it could have -- right? You'd have no way of predicting -- would you? Then who would have been to blame? Yup. You got it. YOU!

YOU DO NOT BRING ANOTHER PERSON INTO A CHILD'S HOME!!!

YOU PLACE THEM IN DANGER!

YOU CAUSE THEM DISTRESS, ABUSE AND ANGUISH!

YOU UNDERMINE THEIR FUTURE!

It's all proven fact!!!

U still dont get it. It is not an irrelevent question. My stepson is perfectly happy with me and I havent killed him yet so I think I can safely say...yes this step family does work. How can you not see that?

[The Colonel]

Obviously they would still be alive. But not every stepfather is going to kill their stepchildren. That is the point I am trying to make. I have answered your question, now you answer mine. Is EVERY step parent going to kill or abuse their stepchildren?

The answer to that question is irrelevant. As you admit -- those children would all still be alive if it wasn't for their selfish mothers. They placed their OWN needs above THEIR CHILD. They DID NOT CARE about the child. Had they done so they would have NOT moved someone in. I wouldn't give a damn if the mother was murdered by the stepfather. It would serve her right. No-one else to blame! But unfortunately, as with every stepfamily, the child pays the price.

Just because your stepchildren/children might be still breathing . . . isn't actually an opportunity to say "Hey! This is working!"

Let's face it:

The man you moved in could easily have belted your child, attacked him, psychologically or physically abused him, or killed him. It's fortunate that didn't occur -- but it could have -- right? You'd have no way of predicting -- would you? Then who would have been to blame? Yup. You got it. YOU!

YOU DO NOT BRING ANOTHER PERSON INTO A CHILD'S HOME!!!

YOU PLACE THEM IN DANGER!

YOU CAUSE THEM DISTRESS, ABUSE AND ANGUISH!

YOU UNDERMINE THEIR FUTURE!

It's all proven fact!!!

U still dont get it. It is not an irrelevent question. My stepson is perfectly happy with me and I havent killed him yet so I think I can safely say...yes this step family does work. How can you not see that?

The fact that 1 stepfamily in 100 might work is irrelevant.

It doesn't justify the ill effects of the 99 others.

You don't bring someone else into your child's home. Why do you have such a problem with that?

I think, in honesty, your vision is being clouded by your personal family experiences, possibly from being a young child.

Lets put it in simple terms again:

Do you honestly think my kids would like me moving in another woman into our family home? Do you think it would make them happy? Do you think it would make them feel secure? Respected? Valued? Do you think they wouldn't be angry? Do you think it wouldn't upset them? Do you think it wouldn't cause resentment? Do you think it wouldn't affect them in their own relationships, behaviour, education and so on?

These are the sought of questions you have to answer.

Lets change the question around too:

Do you honestly think my kids would like THEIR MOTHER moving in another MAN into our family home? Do you think it would make them happy? Do you think it would make them feel secure? Respected? Valued? Do you think they wouldn't be angry? Do you think it wouldn't upset them? Do you think it wouldn't cause resentment? Do you think it wouldn't affect them in their own relationships, behaviour, education and so on?

If you can answer these questions, then I think we'd be getting somewhere.

[Polgara69]

Fair questions and I will answer them. The answer, based on my personal experiance as a child who had a stepmother and as an adult being a stepparent is yes they would be happy if you or your wife was happy. My Dad and mother split when I was about 18 months old and he didnt have a relationship with anyone till I was about 12. He struggled for years to bring us (me and brother) up and worked nights driving hgv's to support the family. When he met my stepmother a lot of the stress went out of his life and we werent left with grandparents all the time because he wasnt there. He was a lot happier because he had someone to share things with. Things you cant share with your children no matter how close you are and Im not just talking about sex. I so I was happy and Dad was happy. Before you ask my mother was a useless cow who ran off with another man and only showed up sporadically thru our lives when she felt like it. So no, I am glad she wasnt around permanently. So I was happy my Dad met someone and I was happy with his choice and got on wonderfully with stepmother.
The question based on myself as an adult. My son got on well with his stepdad and called him Dad after a couple of years (his real father beiong useless and not around for him). He still gets on with him now even tho we have split up and still classes him as his Dad. My stepson is perfectly happy living here with me or surely he would have moved in with his Dad when we split up dont you think?

I thionk the thing you have to accept is that stepfamilies can work and ignoring the people on here who have said that theirs have worked and just dismissing them is very ignorant. I think you are just basing this on you not wanting to involve another woman in your childrens lives if you and your wife split up or a man in your wifes life. Which is your choice and if that makes you happy then thats great. But you cant just say this shouldnt happen when evidence also says that it can work and it makes people happier and gives them a better life.

[Polgara69]

Lets look at the other side of the coin shall we? Based on your assumption that stepfamiles do not work because the stepfather will kill or abuse the kids then surely you should provide evidence that fathers kill and abuse and normal families shouldnt be allowed. No? Well I will do it shall I?

http://www.guardian.co.uk/uk/2006/nov/0 ... ornamartin

http://www.guardian.co.uk/society/2004/ ... theraddley

http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/news/u ... 402362.ece

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/uk/1516969.stm


I too can post thousands if you like. Or we can change it to mothers that kill?

http://www.trutv.com/library/crime/noto ... index.html

We could go on forever couldnt we? Just google it. In actual fact there are more google results for fathers who kill that stepfathers. Dont believe me? Google yourself. I googled 'stepfather killers' and there were 61,400 results. I then googled 'father killers' and got 6,100 100. What does that tell you? So are you suggesting we do away with families all together?

[The Colonel]

Lets look at the other side of the coin shall we? Based on your assumption that stepfamiles do not work because the stepfather will kill or abuse the kids then surely you should provide evidence that fathers kill and abuse and normal families shouldnt be allowed. No? Well I will do it shall I?

http://www.guardian.co.uk/uk/2006/nov/0 ... ornamartin

http://www.guardian.co.uk/society/2004/ ... theraddley

http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/news/u ... 402362.ece

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/uk/1516969.stm


I too can post thousands if you like. Or we can change it to mothers that kill?

http://www.trutv.com/library/crime/noto ... index.html

We could go on forever couldnt we? Just google it. In actual fact there are more google results for fathers who kill that stepfathers. Dont believe me? Google yourself. I googled 'stepfather killers' and there were 61,400 results. I then googled 'father killers' and got 6,100 100. What does that tell you? So are you suggesting we do away with families all together?

Fathers are MEANT to be in a child's life.

Stepfathers are NOT.

Big difference. You admitted that Baby P and others would still be alive today if they hadn't had UNNECESSARY AND UNWANTED stepfathers. The fact that your son's stepfather wasn't a murderer is a great blessing . . . but what if he had been? Could you live with yourself knowing you were the only one to blame?

[The Colonel]

Fair questions and I will answer them. The answer, based on my personal experiance as a child who had a stepmother and as an adult being a stepparent is yes they would be happy if you or your wife was happy. My Dad and mother split when I was about 18 months old and he didnt have a relationship with anyone till I was about 12. He struggled for years to bring us (me and brother) up and worked nights driving hgv's to support the family. When he met my stepmother a lot of the stress went out of his life and we werent left with grandparents all the time because he wasnt there. He was a lot happier because he had someone to share things with. Things you cant share with your children no matter how close you are and Im not just talking about sex. I so I was happy and Dad was happy. Before you ask my mother was a useless cow who ran off with another man and only showed up sporadically thru our lives when she felt like it. So no, I am glad she wasnt around permanently. So I was happy my Dad met someone and I was happy with his choice and got on wonderfully with stepmother.
The question based on myself as an adult. My son got on well with his stepdad and called him Dad after a couple of years (his real father beiong useless and not around for him). He still gets on with him now even tho we have split up and still classes him as his Dad. My stepson is perfectly happy living here with me or surely he would have moved in with his Dad when we split up dont you think?

I thionk the thing you have to accept is that stepfamilies can work and ignoring the people on here who have said that theirs have worked and just dismissing them is very ignorant. I think you are just basing this on you not wanting to involve another woman in your childrens lives if you and your wife split up or a man in your wifes life. Which is your choice and if that makes you happy then thats great. But you cant just say this shouldnt happen when evidence also says that it can work and it makes people happier and gives them a better life.

Well I can tell you they would NOT be happy with a strange man or woman in their homes and their lives.

FACT.

Stepfamilies are destructive environments. The research says if you've been in a stepfamily, you are far more likely to create one yourself -- you fit the pattern. Breakups lead to breakups! It embeds conflict in the child! And so on . . . . . . . . . . . .

If they were demonstrated to be good (or at least neutral) do you think I would have such a problem with them -- really?

Sure, I may dislike them, but would I loathe them?

[Polgara69]

Lets look at the other side of the coin shall we? Based on your assumption that stepfamiles do not work because the stepfather will kill or abuse the kids then surely you should provide evidence that fathers kill and abuse and normal families shouldnt be allowed. No? Well I will do it shall I?

http://www.guardian.co.uk/uk/2006/nov/0 ... ornamartin

http://www.guardian.co.uk/society/2004/ ... theraddley

http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/news/u ... 402362.ece

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/uk/1516969.stm


I too can post thousands if you like. Or we can change it to mothers that kill?

http://www.trutv.com/library/crime/noto ... index.html

We could go on forever couldnt we? Just google it. In actual fact there are more google results for fathers who kill that stepfathers. Dont believe me? Google yourself. I googled 'stepfather killers' and there were 61,400 results. I then googled 'father killers' and got 6,100 100. What does that tell you? So are you suggesting we do away with families all together?

Fathers are MEANT to be in a child's life.

Stepfathers are NOT.

Big difference. You admitted that Baby P and others would still be alive today if they hadn't had UNNECESSARY AND UNWANTED stepfathers. The fact that your son's stepfather wasn't a murderer is a great blessing . . . but what if he had been? Could you live with yourself knowing you were the only one to blame?

There is more of a chance that his father would have murdered him according to google. So its a good job I left him 'just in case'. That is your basis for this argument isnt it?

[The Colonel]

A STEPFATHER IS NOT MEANT TO BE IN A CHILD'S HOME.

HE IS YOUR PARTNER, HE IS NOTHING TO DO WITH THE CHILD.

MOST WOMEN ARE SELFISH BITCHES WHO DON'T PUT THE CHILDREN ABOVE THEMSELVES.

SELFISH AND UNFIT MOTHERS.

[HampshireBoy]

A STEPFATHER IS NOT MEANT TO BE IN A CHILD'S HOME.

HE IS YOUR PARTNER, HE IS NOTHING TO DO WITH THE CHILD.

MOST WOMEN ARE SELFISH BITCHES WHO DON'T PUT THE CHILDREN ABOVE THEMSELVES.

SELFISH AND UNFIT MOTHERS.

If I might leap in as a man, first a bit of background. My parents split when I was four (the eldest of three), my mum dedicated herself to us and didn't start dating until even the youngest was about 18. She actually married again a few years after that and they are still together, at that time my sister was the only one still at home. Things weren't easy when my sister was still there but now none of us live there we all get on fine. My ex wife's parents split when the three girls were all in their teens, her mum had a variety of blokes which was not easy for the girls. However the girls got on well with both her second and third husbands.

I would agree that it MAY be better for kids if no new man is moved in, but the key thing is that the child feels loved and cared for. Despite your INVENTED figures of only 1 in 100 stepfathers not being murderers there are many caring step-parents out there. No, they are not birth parents and will never have that bond but they can care for and provide good role models for kids.

Our sons are in their teens and I see them as much as we like. However my ex and I have discussed dating, trying to be grown up about it, either of us might meet someone we wish to live with. I haven't quite got to saying the boys can stay with me if she wants someone to stay, but we've skirted round if you want the weekend to yourself type statements. Apart from the whole thing of dating again, the thing we've both been concerned about is the boys not feeling pushed out or unwanted. And, yes before anyone says it, I have it easier because the boys live with her most of the time so I could have women staying most of the time.

Don't believe the Daily Mail/Express and other rags most mothers have their children at the centre of their thoughts, and maybe they think a male role model will help?

There are selfish and unfit mothers, and selfish and unfit fathers, I just don't believe it is the majority.

[Polgara69]

So we go back to my original point. Call me a child abuser. To my face (sort of). Go on....tell me I will murder my stepson.....tell me I shoulod boot him out of my house....

No more psychobabble. Just call me a child abuser....

waiting....

[HampshireBoy]

there are many caring step-parents out there. No, they are not birth parents and will never have that bond but they can care for and provide good role models for kids.

They may be nice and they may be caring . . . but they are NOT there at the invitation of the child. It is the CHILD'S HOME and in the child's home the child is NUMBER ONE. A mother DOES NOT have the right to move in who she wants into the same house as her children (unless it is a relative, for non-relationship purposes naturally).

I agree that the child should be part of the decision process, just being presented with someone moving in is wrong. However correctly handled it can be done,

Our sons are in their teens and I see them as much as we like. However my ex and I have discussed dating, trying to be grown up about it, either of us might meet someone we wish to live with. I haven't quite got to saying the boys can stay with me if she wants someone to stay, but we've skirted round if you want the weekend to yourself type statements. Apart from the whole thing of dating again, the thing we've both been concerned about is the boys not feeling pushed out or unwanted. And, yes before anyone says it, I have it easier because the boys live with her most of the time so I could have women staying most of the time.

It's interesting that you also confirm the research. You and your ex-wife are from broken homes and you've produced a broken home. Same with Polgara69. Your sons will, statistically, produce broken homes too as a result of your behaviour. Bear that in mind -- one day you might see I'm correct.

Thank you for confirming your arrogance. My parents broke up after five years of marriage, mainly due to getting married too young and before they were mature enough. We were in our mid-twenties and therefore more mature. After twenty years of marriage we both realised that we would be happier apart, and a large part of this was that it would help the boys. They were unhappy because they could see we were unhappy. We actually get on better now and this has in turn helped them deal with it. The term "broken home" is in itself misleading, a home is not broken with one parent as a matter of course. The marriage may have broken down but the boys live in two loving homes.

Don't believe the Daily Mail/Express and other rags most mothers have their children at the centre of their thoughts,

I do not read the Daily Mail. It is a fasist newspaper. Did you know the former owner funded Sir Oswald Mosley's fascists?

As an amateur historian I am well aware of the Daily Mail's past and current politics, as well as their owner's political affiliations, you seem to fall firmly in their demographic.

and maybe they think a male role model will help?

Nice try. They have a father in most cases. He can be the role model.

Even if that wasn't the case, the mother DOES NOT have the right to move in anyone she likes into her child's life. The child MUST BE GIVEN THE RIGHT TO SAY NO.

There are plenty of cases where the father is absent, sometimes through choice sometimes without. It has been shown that having good male and female role models is better for a child's development. Where has anyone said that the child is not part of the decision process? I have already said that they must be.

There are selfish and unfit mothers, and selfish and unfit fathers, I just don't believe it is the majority.

Any mother, or father, who moves a stranger into their child's home, is an unfit parent. Children must come first -- and moving someone into the home places the children second to the parent's sexual needs. That is NOT acceptable.

As I keep stating the person moving in should not be a stranger by the time they move in, it must be a slow process; First introductions away from the family home etc. If you actually read people's posts rather than jumping to conclusions I do not believe that you will find anyone advocating introducing a stranger as moving in, rather they move through meeting the new person and getting to know them before the subject is raised. As a parent I am very careful who I introduce to my kids, I want to protect the kids as much as I possibly can.

[The Colonel]

there are many caring step-parents out there. No, they are not birth parents and will never have that bond but they can care for and provide good role models for kids.

They may be nice and they may be caring . . . but they are NOT there at the invitation of the child. It is the CHILD'S HOME and in the child's home the child is NUMBER ONE. A mother DOES NOT have the right to move in who she wants into the same house as her children (unless it is a relative, for non-relationship purposes naturally).

I agree that the child should be part of the decision process, just being presented with someone moving in is wrong. However correctly handled it can be done,

No. It is NOT to be done.

Our sons are in their teens and I see them as much as we like. However my ex and I have discussed dating, trying to be grown up about it, either of us might meet someone we wish to live with. I haven't quite got to saying the boys can stay with me if she wants someone to stay, but we've skirted round if you want the weekend to yourself type statements. Apart from the whole thing of dating again, the thing we've both been concerned about is the boys not feeling pushed out or unwanted. And, yes before anyone says it, I have it easier because the boys live with her most of the time so I could have women staying most of the time.

It's interesting that you also confirm the research. You and your ex-wife are from broken homes and you've produced a broken home. Same with Polgara69. Your sons will, statistically, produce broken homes too as a result of your behaviour. Bear that in mind -- one day you might see I'm correct.

Thank you for confirming your arrogance. My parents broke up after five years of marriage, mainly due to getting married too young and before they were mature enough. We were in our mid-twenties and therefore more mature. After twenty years of marriage we both realised that we would be happier apart, and a large part of this was that it would help the boys. They were unhappy because they could see we were unhappy. We actually get on better now and this has in turn helped them deal with it. The term "broken home" is in itself misleading, a home is not broken with one parent as a matter of course. The marriage may have broken down but the boys live in two loving homes.

Broken homes lead to broken homes. It's fact. No arrogance, just 60 years of research.

Don't believe the Daily Mail/Express and other rags most mothers have their children at the centre of their thoughts,

I do not read the Daily Mail. It is a fasist newspaper. Did you know the former owner funded Sir Oswald Mosley's fascists?

As an amateur historian I am well aware of the Daily Mail's past and current politics, as well as their owner's political affiliations, you seem to fall firmly in their demographic.

An amateur historian . . . well I never.

My politics are actually centre-left . . . so run that one up your flag pole.

and maybe they think a male role model will help?

Nice try. They have a father in most cases. He can be the role model.

Even if that wasn't the case, the mother DOES NOT have the right to move in anyone she likes into her child's life. The child MUST BE GIVEN THE RIGHT TO SAY NO.

There are plenty of cases where the father is absent, sometimes through choice sometimes without. It has been shown that having good male and female role models is better for a child's development. Where has anyone said that the child is not part of the decision process? I have already said that they must be.

Good role models are important, but stepparents have been shown to be negative. Research has shown this in the 1940s, 50s, 60s, 70s, 80s, 90s, and 00s. It's nearly the next decade, and guess what? We'll still see the same. How much more proof is required?

There are selfish and unfit mothers, and selfish and unfit fathers, I just don't believe it is the majority.

Any mother, or father, who moves a stranger into their child's home, is an unfit parent. Children must come first -- and moving someone into the home places the children second to the parent's sexual needs. That is NOT acceptable.

As I keep stating the person moving in should not be a stranger by the time they move in, it must be a slow process; First introductions away from the family home etc. If you actually read people's posts rather than jumping to conclusions I do not believe that you will find anyone advocating introducing a stranger as moving in, rather they move through meeting the new person and getting to know them before the subject is raised. As a parent I am very careful who I introduce to my kids, I want to protect the kids as much as I possibly can.

NO - THERE ARE NO INTRODUCTIONS.

YOU DON'T MOVE ANYONE IN.

THAT'S THE END OF IT.

RESEARCH HAS SHOWN IT IS BETTER FOR A CHILD TO HAVE NO MOTHER OR FATHER IN THE PICTURE -- RATHER THAN HAVING A STEPPARENT INVOLVED!!!

IN OTHER WORDS -- IT'S BETTER FOR YOUR KIDS TO NEVER SEE YOU EVER AGAIN -- THAN IT IS FOR YOU TO BRING ANOTHER PERSON INTO YOUR HOME!

WHY WON'T YOU LEARN??????

READ. READ. READ. READ. READ.

[HampshireBoy]

[snipped long discussion]
NO - THERE ARE NO INTRODUCTIONS.

YOU DON'T MOVE ANYONE IN.

THAT'S THE END OF IT.

RESEARCH HAS SHOWN IT IS BETTER FOR A CHILD TO HAVE NO MOTHER OR FATHER IN THE PICTURE -- RATHER THAN HAVING A STEPPARENT INVOLVED!!!

IN OTHER WORDS -- IT'S BETTER FOR YOUR KIDS TO NEVER SEE YOU EVER AGAIN -- THAN IT IS FOR YOU TO BRING ANOTHER PERSON INTO YOUR HOME!

WHY WON'T YOU LEARN??????

READ. READ. READ. READ. READ.

Thank you, yes I do read because I have an open mind on most subjects and am willing to learn.

You just demonstrate one of the major flaws with some military and elderly people, "I am right, there is no discussion, there is only one answer - mine". In life there is rarely a one size fits all answer to a question like this.

Research has shown that a child needs good male and female role models.

Again you demonstrate the Daily Mail reader approach to life, "One school caretaker has murdered children - ergo all school caretakers are a danger to children" or "one step parent has molested or murdered children - ergo all step parents are a danger to children".

All parenting consists of assessing risk to your children against the potential benefits:-

What are the likely risks of something going wrong?
What are the likely impacts of this?
What are the benefits?

As with introducing your child to any new person, you mentally go through these items. If you don't think this person is suitable to be introduced to your child in any form I'd suggest they are not worth you knowing. For me, my kids are part of the package and come first to the extent that I cancel and change my commitements to fit round them.

[Polgara69]

[snipped long discussion]
NO - THERE ARE NO INTRODUCTIONS.

YOU DON'T MOVE ANYONE IN.

THAT'S THE END OF IT.

RESEARCH HAS SHOWN IT IS BETTER FOR A CHILD TO HAVE NO MOTHER OR FATHER IN THE PICTURE -- RATHER THAN HAVING A STEPPARENT INVOLVED!!!

IN OTHER WORDS -- IT'S BETTER FOR YOUR KIDS TO NEVER SEE YOU EVER AGAIN -- THAN IT IS FOR YOU TO BRING ANOTHER PERSON INTO YOUR HOME!

WHY WON'T YOU LEARN??????

READ. READ. READ. READ. READ.

Thank you, yes I do read because I have an open mind on most subjects and am willing to learn.

You just demonstrate one of the major flaws with some military and elderly people, "I am right, there is no discussion, there is only one answer - mine". In life there is rarely a one size fits all answer to a question like this.

Research has shown that a child needs good male and female role models.

Again you demonstrate the Daily Mail reader approach to life, "One school caretaker has murdered children - ergo all school caretakers are a danger to children" or "one step parent has molested or murdered children - ergo all step parents are a danger to children". All parenting consists of assessing risk to your children against the potential benefits:-

What are the likely risks of something going wrong?
What are the likely impacts of this?
What are the benefits?

As with introducing your child to any new person, you mentally go through these items. If you don't think this person is suitable to be introduced to your child in any form I'd suggest they are not worth you knowing. For me, my kids are part of the package and come first to the extent that I cancel and change my commitements to fit round them.

The point I keep trying to make. And I would also like to point out your continued use of the sentance 'The children must have the right to say no'. They do. But they also have the right to say yes. And some do. My daughter for instance, approves of my relationship with toyboy and is looking forward to living in the new house, even when he comes to live with us. It took her some time to get to know him which is how it should be. We have now been together for 2 years and 3 months. She is happy with the situation and has said so. So are you now telling me that she doesnt have the right to say yes and I should get rid of toyboy? If she can say no then surely she can say yes too. Or is that wrong?

And Im still waiting for you to tell me I am a child abuser. You have been given dozens of opportunities but you havent because you know I am not. You cant admit that I have been good for my stepson and by the fact that he chose to live with me shows that he is quite alright and not murdered in his bed.

[The Colonel]

You are both idiots.

Very selfish idiots at that.

HampshireBoy should wait until his kids start calling someone else daddy. Too late then! Your ex will have him adopt them and change their names, and so on . . . so yeah . . . be daft about it all . . .

endanger your kids and endanger your own right to be with them . . .

fool.