Depressed by sexless marriage

[Noiresque]

I have been with my husband for 9 yrs - married for 6.5 - and our sex life has gone completely downhill. I always knew that I had a slightly higher sex drive than him, but it was never a big deal. And there were times when he was depressed - deth of a grandparent - when we went months without, but I was patient becos I knew that it was hard for him. But now it has been to long and I can see no reason for it. I have tried to initiate sex, but it is so humiliating to be turned down by my own husband that I have stopped. I love him and I know he loves me, I just wonder if he is still IN love with me.

Lately I have started noticing other men (one in particular) and wondering if I should have an affair. I am certain he is not cheating, but we are in our early 30s and surely there should be more to life than this. I have tried to talk about this with him, but he says that only makes him feel under more pressure. I don't want to hurt him or leave him, but I feel so trapped and miserable.

I don't want sympathy or just to rant. I need suggestions and advice please.

[mmm_chocolate]

You say your husband has been depressed in the past - do you think he might be suffering from depression at the moment? Lack of sex-drive can be a symptom of depression. Also, side effects of some anti-depressants include decreased libido, difficulty reaching orgasm and sometimes impotence in men. Just something to consider.

I think it's really important that you and your husband discuss how you're feeling. I understand that talking about it makes him feel uncomfortable, but he needs to be aware of how unhappy you're feeling at the moment.

[Cambridge]

Reccmmend counseling big time. If not, split.

[noodles]

Reccmmend counseling big time. If not, split.

agree bout the couple counselling. unfortunately the only way i believe you can sort this is together via communication.

[TwistedMind]

you should probably ask your husband first...

[Cambridge]

I have been with my husband for 9 yrs - married for 6.5 - and our sex life has gone completely downhill. I always knew that I had a slightly higher sex drive than him, but it was never a big deal. And there were times when he was depressed - deth of a grandparent - when we went months without, but I was patient becos I knew that it was hard for him. But now it has been to long and I can see no reason for it. I have tried to initiate sex, but it is so humiliating to be turned down by my own husband that I have stopped. I love him and I know he loves me, I just wonder if he is still IN love with me.

Lately I have started noticing other men (one in particular) and wondering if I should have an affair. I am certain he is not cheating, but we are in our early 30s and surely there should be more to life than this. I have tried to talk about this with him, but he says that only makes him feel under more pressure. I don't want to hurt him or leave him, but I feel so trapped and miserable.

I don't want sympathy or just to rant. I need suggestions and advice please.

What do you think turns off a man? Women are often heard to say that the events of the day were not conducive to sex. Can’t you understand if he is not happy in the same way, he can be turned off? Forget humiliation…you got bigger problems. Is it him, cumming and you pretending? Are you doing something to poison the whole atmosphere? Is sex a giant non-communicative disappointment?

You better figure it out, lass. Cause your marriage is going south…and fast.

[noodles]

I have been with my husband for 9 yrs - married for 6.5 - and our sex life has gone completely downhill. I always knew that I had a slightly higher sex drive than him, but it was never a big deal. And there were times when he was depressed - deth of a grandparent - when we went months without, but I was patient becos I knew that it was hard for him. But now it has been to long and I can see no reason for it. I have tried to initiate sex, but it is so humiliating to be turned down by my own husband that I have stopped. I love him and I know he loves me, I just wonder if he is still IN love with me.

Lately I have started noticing other men (one in particular) and wondering if I should have an affair. I am certain he is not cheating, but we are in our early 30s and surely there should be more to life than this. I have tried to talk about this with him, but he says that only makes him feel under more pressure. I don't want to hurt him or leave him, but I feel so trapped and miserable.

I don't want sympathy or just to rant. I need suggestions and advice please.

What do you think turns off a man? Women are often heard to say that the events of the day were not conducive to sex. Can’t you understand if he is not happy in the same way, he can be turned off? Forget humiliation…you got bigger problems. Is it him, cumming and you pretending? Are you doing something to poison the whole atmosphere? Is sex a giant non-communicative disappointment?

You better figure it out, lass. Cause your marriage is going south…and fast.

Im just wondering why when a woman asks about lack of sex you put the ball in her court as the problem and when a man asks about the same thing you also make it the womans problem (the other sexless thread)?? It would appear that no-one 'actually' needs counselling as th woman is always to blame?

[MaxtheGaul]

No Cambridge is doing exactly what others do when the man says he's not getting any. They, and I suspect you, remind them that it's not just her problem it's also up to hte man to get her in the mood.

Goose and gander stuff here.

[Cambridge]

I have been with my husband for 9 yrs - married for 6.5 - and our sex life has gone completely downhill. I always knew that I had a slightly higher sex drive than him, but it was never a big deal. And there were times when he was depressed - deth of a grandparent - when we went months without, but I was patient becos I knew that it was hard for him. But now it has been to long and I can see no reason for it. I have tried to initiate sex, but it is so humiliating to be turned down by my own husband that I have stopped. I love him and I know he loves me, I just wonder if he is still IN love with me.

Lately I have started noticing other men (one in particular) and wondering if I should have an affair. I am certain he is not cheating, but we are in our early 30s and surely there should be more to life than this. I have tried to talk about this with him, but he says that only makes him feel under more pressure. I don't want to hurt him or leave him, but I feel so trapped and miserable.

I don't want sympathy or just to rant. I need suggestions and advice please.

What do you think turns off a man? Women are often heard to say that the events of the day were not conducive to sex. Can’t you understand if he is not happy in the same way, he can be turned off? Forget humiliation…you got bigger problems. Is it him, cumming and you pretending? Are you doing something to poison the whole atmosphere? Is sex a giant non-communicative disappointment?

You better figure it out, lass. Cause your marriage is going south…and fast.

Im just wondering why when a woman asks about lack of sex you put the ball in her court as the problem and when a man asks about the same thing you also make it the womans problem (the other sexless thread)?? It would appear that no-one 'actually' needs counselling as th woman is always to blame?

Im just wondering why when a woman asks about lack of sex you put the ball in her court as the problem and when a man asks about the same thing you also make it the womans problem (the other sexless thread)?? It would appear that no-one 'actually' needs counselling as th woman is always to blame?

See, this is when the gender debate gets us nowhere. It’s not a gender thing. His AND her marriage is going south. The only reason I raise gender is because every time that there is something wrong with sex, it’s skewed toward saying the man is not pleasuring her. Is it somehow illegitimate to suggest that the man is also sensitive? Or are sensitive males just not in your book? You react to that whole subject with a knee-jerk feminist reaction. How helpful is that for her? Isn’t it worth exploring other possibilities here?

[noodles]

What do you think turns off a man? Women are often heard to say that the events of the day were not conducive to sex. Can’t you understand if he is not happy in the same way, he can be turned off? Forget humiliation…you got bigger problems. Is it him, cumming and you pretending? Are you doing something to poison the whole atmosphere? Is sex a giant non-communicative disappointment?


I totally agree that its a joint problem. Can you explain where in your above text it say there is a 'joint' anything.


And my input isnt a feminist anything. My personal view is that she should back off, let him breathe and try and work a few things out for himself rather than making him feel like a performing seal whose job it is to sexually satisfy her or shes off with someone who will. They both need to play different roles here for it to work. You brought gender into it not me.

[hawkman]

I can understand exactly what your going through! Because I know! I'm going through the same thing! Do you feel like all your sexuality has been bottled up, and can't be suppressed! I dearly love my wife! I don't know If she has a hormone imbalance, or if she has developed a psychological distaste for sex, or has a problem when you combine the the words sex and husband = Nada.

But I'm so bottled up with orgasmic energy I'm gonna bust. I have been dealing with this for years. I only have one life to live. And I still love her.

I have discussed this with my therapist. And I have asked him if it were possible to have a sex surrogate, mistress, love, an affair, whatever term you want to apply. My therapist told me to discuss this with my wife. And see if I can find and understand her problem. (I first must say that my therapist recommended marriage counseling.) He told me he couldn't tell me what to do and made sure I understood what the reprocautions were.

I have decided that I'm going outside the marriage and look for someone for a close friendship with benefits or simply stated a F*** buddy. I simply can't go on like this. And know life is short. I need to find someone who understands and has the ability to be sexually uninhibited and can deal with a no strings relationship. If that possible.

[Cambridge]

...

[Cambridge]

+1

[noodles]

I can understand exactly what your going through! Because I know! I'm going through the same thing! Do you feel like all your sexuality has been bottled up, and can't be suppressed! I dearly love my wife! I don't know If she has a hormone imbalance, or if she has developed a psychological distaste for sex, or has a problem when you combine the the words sex and husband = Nada.

But I'm so bottled up with orgasmic energy I'm gonna bust. I have been dealing with this for years. I only have one life to live. And I still love her.

I have discussed this with my therapist. And I have asked him if it were possible to have a sex surrogate, mistress, love, an affair, whatever term you want to apply. My therapist told me to discuss this with my wife. And see if I can find and understand her problem. (I first must say that my therapist recommended marriage counseling.) He told me he couldn't tell me what to do and made sure I understood what the reprocautions were.

I have decided that I'm going outside the marriage and look for someone for a close friendship with benefits or simply stated a F*** buddy. I simply can't go on like this. And know life is short. I need to find someone who understands and has the ability to be sexually uninhibited and can deal with a no strings relationship. If that possible.

thats fine - you're not getting what you need BUT 'you've' decided that you're going outside the marriage kinda suggests there isnt a marriage. why dont you discuss it with your wife? if she doesnt agree to it then at least shes in the picture and you can decide together which way to go. isnt amicable (of sorts) seperation now better than the destruction when she finds out (and dont underestimate that she wont)? either that or amicable (of sorts) extra marital stuff. Have you got any right to make such a decision by yourself? Could you not go for marriage counselling and bring it up there - at least that way its controlled and you'll both have to at least listen to each other? You have every right to suggest it - whether you have the right to simpy take it without her knowledge I suppose is moral issue within your marriage and one you've decided doesnt matter.

Do you feel disrespected that you need sex and she isnt listening to you? And does that therefore cancel out any respect you show her?

[MaxtheGaul]

Have you got any right to make such a decision by yourself?

Noodles, I agree he should discuss it with his wife. I don't agree with your implication above. It's absolutely his decision, and he must take full responsibility for it. You can't hand off responsibility to someone else for whether you have sex or not!

When he discusses it with his wife she may tell him that she is not happy for him to do this (quite likely actually). Then he has to decide how to respond. Either way he should not lie to her about what is actually happening, it does no good, and destroys the one thing that matters in any relationship - trust.