husband doesn't want baby yet

[babies babies babies!]

I wanted to say...I am happy I came across this forum. I too am in that situation. I am 28 and my Husband is 29. We have been together for 8 years and married for 2 and for the last year I have been wanting a child and my husband, just like so many, isn't "ready" He says that he wants to spend more time together... like now that I want a baby the last 8 years weren't enough "time"? I feel like my hormones are out of control. We fight all the time over this subject and our marriage is taking a huge toll. I see bellies, and babies everywhere and it makes be so angry with my husband. Sometimes I wish I could just take a pill so I don't have these feelings. Last night we had a huge fight and he admitted to me that he is nowhere near ready to have a baby now then he was a year ago when we first discussed it. What!?!?! I am devastated. I had actual thoughts of leaving my husband until today when I received the best advice I have had all year. A friend of mine said:

"At least you are fighting over something WORTH fighting for. My husband and I fight all the time over things that are completely meaningless. That is what is breaking our marriage. So if that is the only thing you are fighting about you should feel blessed"

Wow! Talk about perspective. I have decided to talk to my husband again tonight to let him know that our MARRIAGE is worth fighting for also. I plan on telling him that I plan on dropping the subject for a while and that I need my best friend back before we have a baby, but I do plan on revisiting the baby issue after the New Year and we can come to a compromise then. I think that my husband needs reassurance that I want a family with him and not that I just wasn’t a baby for myself.

I wish everyone (including myself) good luck on this subject.

[Marianne7]

I am so glad I am not the only one out there. My husband and I have been married for 2.5 years and toegther for 9. I am 34 and he is 38. My husband has always wanted to have children with me up until the actual moment we decided to start he freaked out and said he doesn't want to have kids in a while. I don't know where this came from. Just 2 months back he said he thinks we should start a family and I was excited. I always wanted to have a baby before age 35. I just turned 34 so I still have a good year but now he isn't sure and I am so confused. He doesn't have any reasons - just says he wants to wait a few more years. But I don't want to wait too long. He says that he doesn't want to talk about it just now and that he will let me know over the next 2 months. This is so unfair to me. He says he loves me and I love him a lot too so why now he is all scared and unsure about a baby with me?? We have had some marital problems earlier this year cause we moved into a new home with some problems and it caused financial and mental stress but then things got better between us and now we just got back from a great vacation and he pulls this on me. Should I give him an ultimatum?? I don't want to. Should I be quiet and see what happens over time?? Not nag? Pls help! Any advice is much appreciated. Thanks so much, Marianne

[Not sure what to do]

I'm glad I'm not the only one to. Its driving me mad. I'm 33 and my husband is 29. We been together since 2001. My husband says he wants children but is not ready and will give me no idea about how long we have to wait. I've tried to ask for a timetable or at least some idea. It doesn't help that my sister just had a baby and my husbands' brothers wife is about to have a baby. Both sides of the family talk about babies all the time and I feel happy for them but so sad inside. I've tried everything but really don't know what else to do. I love my husband so would never leave him and at the moment have resigned myself to being a good Aunt and not a mother. I would also never never get pregnant on the sly. Thats not me.

[mistyspray]

I'm 24 years old, my husband is 30. We have been happily married for over a year and were together for 7 years before we married, the problem is a really feel ready to start our own family. My husband does want children but would rather get us in a better financial position. He earns quite good money and we both have extremly helpful parents. Both have said not to worry about money as if we do struggle they are there to help us, but my husband will not even entertain the idea untill we have cut down our credit card bills (we only owe about £3000, which is not that much compared to many)

I don't know what else to do to, i have always wanted to have children at around 25 and i'm worried that our bills may take longer to pay than my husband expects and it may take a long time to get pregnant which could take me into my 30's.

I feel ready now and dont want to wait 2yrs or more.

Any advice on how I could approch my husband.

Thankyou

Perhaps wait a couple of years until your debt has cleared and then bring put the pressure on him, babies cost a fortune and som girls are unaware and really naive about the effort it takes to provide for a baby, my mum works with girls who are in heaps of debt and are dating older men who have children already, they don't take precautions because they deliberately want to get pregnant and never think about anyone but themselves. It's good you're thinking about this before you get pregnant and good luck!

[alone in a crowded world]

I'm glad I'm not the only one to. Its driving me mad. I'm 33 and my husband is 29. We been together since 2001. My husband says he wants children but is not ready and will give me no idea about how long we have to wait. I've tried to ask for a timetable or at least some idea. It doesn't help that my sister just had a baby and my husbands' brothers wife is about to have a baby. Both sides of the family talk about babies all the time and I feel happy for them but so sad inside. I've tried everything but really don't know what else to do. I love my husband so would never leave him and at the moment have resigned myself to being a good Aunt and not a mother. I would also never never get pregnant on the sly. Thats not me.

hi there, im sorry i dont have any advise for you however i completely understand what you are going through. I too am married and have been with my partner for over 5 years. I am ready to have children but like yours, my husband isnt ready yet. We fight all the time about it with no outcome each time. Were both in good job and there is enough money but still no go. Again like you my sister just had a baby and my husbands brothers wife is due around my birthday (which makes it even worse) and on top of that both his brother and my sister are cancer survivors and were told that they wouldnt have children! Im not mad at them how can I be, I just feel really sad. Its so hard i work with two pregnant ladies> everywhere I turn ladies are pregnant. I dont wait to wait anymore I want to atleast start trying to make a baby I am 29 this year and feel like times passing me by.

[want a baby]

Wow, certainly glad I'm not the only one here talking about this. I am 28 and my husband is 35. We've been together for 5 years, married for 3.5. My bio clock started ticking about a year or so ago, but to do the responsible thing and make sure it wasn't a whim, I told my husband about it and said that I wanted to wait a year to discuss it to make sure we were in the right place. Now he has me on roller coaster. Before December, he said he'd like to wait a year, year and a half. He was ready for us to try to conceive in December, then started backing out on me early this year. Now he is saying year, year and a half again. The timeline keeps extending and I'm wondering if there is no end in sight. I would even be okay if he said that he didn't want children at all! I'd rather be with him without kids than leave him on the chance that I MIGHT find someone I MIGHT love and who MIGHT want to have kids with me. No thanks.
I am frustrated with the lack of communication, and he just is a poor communicator and unable to discuss the topic with me. Instead of exploring his fears (which I think he may have), he instead says that he is fearful of me being a mother because I yelled at the dog a couple of months ago. He's not willing to go to therapy with me (he is a therapist himself, go figure). I feel pretty betrayed by him, and yes, is possible that everyone around me is having a child now!?! Why is this so difficult for us? Why does it take two people to decide to have a child, and one person to decide to NOT have a child?
Thanks for listening. Is there possibly a support group for women in this situation?

[not sure what to do]

Hi. It's really helped this website. I've spoken to my husband now and now have a date when we can starting. The date is next year but thats fine as its a start. Just hope not left it too late. I found the only way I could speak to my husband was to email me how I felt and I attached this website. It seemed to have worked - hopefully.

[H. Franklin Layne]

Hi. It's really helped this website. I've spoken to my husband now and now have a date when we can starting. The date is next year but thats fine as its a start. Just hope not left it too late. I found the only way I could speak to my husband was to email me how I felt and I attached this website. It seemed to have worked - hopefully.

I'm not so sure giving your husband this website as a support group is sucha good idea! There are plenty of negative influences here, God help him if he gets into some of the troll posts........Good luck!

[I kid you not]

Children bring nothing but stress and misery to your life. My advice is to have yourself sterilised.

[zaphod]

I really dont understand why guys are so wussy about this.

I consider it quite an honour to be offered sex by an unprotected lady, or asked to help by Artificial Insemination. It's the biggest compliment a man can be given.

For gods sake guys, get out there and get the job done.

[H. Franklin Layne]

I really dont understand why guys are so wussy about this.

I consider it quite an honour to be offered sex by an unprotected lady, or asked to help by Artificial Insemination. It's the biggest compliment a man can be given.

For gods sake guys, get out there and get the job done.

Some of us can have unprotected sex without worrying about whether or not some sniveling brat shows up some day claiming you as their Dad, and the woman that wanted a child without a family environment plans didn't work out, she gets bitter and ruins your life! It takes a family to raise a stable and decent person from a child. Most men don't want damaged goods or a woman heavily laden with baggage.

[Anonymous]

I am crying as I am reading this as I am going through the same thing. I am 31 going on 32 now, but my husband wants to wait until I am 35-36 (when he finishes school, he starts next year). It seems like there is always some "reason"...we both have good full time jobs and health insurance. He already has a daughter who lives with us on the weekends, who of course I help parent. I love her with all my heart, and I love my husband, but its really not fair. everyone tells me the same thing "but he already HAS a child!". Most of my friends are DONE having kids at my age, I havent even STARTED. I told him all the risks of having a child over 35, he listened but said "we'll be fine". I don't know what to do because I feel my resentment will grow and grow (alas, my stomach will not).

[Guest]

I really dont understand why guys are so wussy about this.

I consider it quite an honour to be offered sex by an unprotected lady, or asked to help by Artificial Insemination. It's the biggest compliment a man can be given.

For gods sake guys, get out there and get the job done.

Some of us can have unprotected sex without worrying about whether or not some sniveling brat shows up some day claiming you as their Dad, and the woman that wanted a child without a family environment plans didn't work out, she gets bitter and ruins your life! It takes a family to raise a stable and decent person from a child. Most men don't want damaged goods or a woman heavily laden with baggage.

That's not always true, firstly there are some mothers who are happy to have their exes out of their lives. There are also women who have much better qualifications than their exes such as a Degree or Masters. So they can go out and get better jobs because they are more skilled. Some mothers who are more talented than their exes and can do absolutely anything they wish with work wise. So there is no reason for revenge when they are more mature, grounded and talented. Thirdly, there are men who are attracted to intelligent, talented "mothers" who are never short of offers, so it's really not all that bad. Maybe for the men who missed out on being real fathers, but then nobody is thinking about them anymore, because the children come first.

[H. Franklin Layne]

I really dont understand why guys are so wussy about this.

I consider it quite an honour to be offered sex by an unprotected lady, or asked to help by Artificial Insemination. It's the biggest compliment a man can be given.

For gods sake guys, get out there and get the job done.

Some of us can have unprotected sex without worrying about whether or not some sniveling brat shows up some day claiming you as their Dad, and the woman that wanted a child without a family environment plans didn't work out, she gets bitter and ruins your life! It takes a family to raise a stable and decent person from a child. Most men don't want damaged goods or a woman heavily laden with baggage.

That's not always true, firstly there are some mothers who are happy to have their exes out of their lives.

I'm sure, so they can repeat the process

There are also women who have much better qualifications than their exes such as a Degree or Masters. So they can go out and get better jobs because they are more skilled. Some mothers who are more talented than their exes and can do absolutely anything they wish with work wise.

Not anything....the more successful a woman is, and the higher the position she holds, the less likely they are to have children. Wanting a career is fine, but you can't put the child first then and go for the gold...it doesn't work, so it's the child that ends up paying the dues of the mother.

So there is no reason for revenge when they are more mature, grounded and talented. Thirdly, there are men who are attracted to intelligent, talented "mothers" who are never short of offers

I guess haggling over the price for the session trying to get a higher amount is looking out for the kid!

, so it's really not all that bad. Maybe for the men who missed out on being real fathers, but then nobody is thinking about them anymore, because the children come first.

I'm sure if the women had all the talent and intelligence and God's gift of wisdom in perception, they would be better at assessing potential mates. Since we know that isn't true, and the guys who have been lied to and deceived have the courts hounding their every step, the women aren't as up on things as you think. How can they assess a man as husband and father material when the female has her ankles behind her ears being his slut in the sack? Surely that is putting the child first!!!

[Guest]

I really dont understand why guys are so wussy about this.

I consider it quite an honour to be offered sex by an unprotected lady, or asked to help by Artificial Insemination. It's the biggest compliment a man can be given.

For gods sake guys, get out there and get the job done.

Some of us can have unprotected sex without worrying about whether or not some sniveling brat shows up some day claiming you as their Dad, and the woman that wanted a child without a family environment plans didn't work out, she gets bitter and ruins your life! It takes a family to raise a stable and decent person from a child. Most men don't want damaged goods or a woman heavily laden with baggage.

That's not always true, firstly there are some mothers who are happy to have their exes out of their lives.

I'm sure, so they can repeat the process

There are also women who have much better qualifications than their exes such as a Degree or Masters. So they can go out and get better jobs because they are more skilled. Some mothers who are more talented than their exes and can do absolutely anything they wish with work wise.

Not anything....the more successful a woman is, and the higher the position she holds, the less likely they are to have children. Wanting a career is fine, but you can't put the child first then and go for the gold...it doesn't work, so it's the child that ends up paying the dues of the mother.

So there is no reason for revenge when they are more mature, grounded and talented. Thirdly, there are men who are attracted to intelligent, talented "mothers" who are never short of offers

I guess haggling over the price for the session trying to get a higher amount is looking out for the kid!

, so it's really not all that bad. Maybe for the men who missed out on being real fathers, but then nobody is thinking about them anymore, because the children come first.

I'm sure if the women had all the talent and intelligence and God's gift of wisdom in perception, they would be better at assessing potential mates. Since we know that isn't true, and the guys who have been lied to and deceived have the courts hounding their every step, the women aren't as up on things as you think. How can they assess a man as husband and father material when the female has her ankles behind her ears being his slut in the sack? Surely that is putting the child first!!!

Am trying to get across that there are a lot of intelligent mothers as opposed to this negative stereotype you have of mothers. There are clever women who can hold down decent jobs, they have degrees, masters, PHD's and support their families when the fathers couldn't keep up, left or disappeared. They support their children through hard work, talent and intelligence and all credit to them. Can't knock them for that.