Tocophobia

[Corylus]

Hello everyone,

I'm new here, this is my first post.

I am in a relationship with someone who is nearly 10 years older than me who does want children in the future. I am certainly in no hurry to have them, if at all. I do like children and I am pretty good with any that I am called upon to look after/babysit but I think I am Tocophobic (have a fear of having children/childbirth/being pregnant).

Despite liking children, I get a bit scared around pregnant women. I don't mean this to sound harsh, I have had friends who have been pregnant, it's not a disliking for the woman herself, I just get intimidated by pregnancy. Seeing baby bumps on show, touching the bump or feeling the baby kick makes me feel a bit squeamish. When I see pregnant women I can't help but think about what they have to go through: Birth. I can't help but think of pain.

I have been in tears talking about it with my Mum before because I think I would like a child one day but this fear is always present in my mind and I don't know how to overcome it. I'm one of 5 so my Mum has been able to talk to me about what she went through (but again, even talking about it makes me feel uncomfortable). All the media ever portrays is the bad side of everything; most pregnancies/births shown on television or in movies involve complications. When you do sex education at school they tell you how painful it is. I think this really damages girl's feelings towards pregnancy and child birth. All you ever seem to get taught is how much it hurts. Deep down I know it is something that we can handle, we are of course naturally developed to cope with bearing children. My Mum said your body sort of takes over and 'knows' exactly what to do, you just have to go with it and try to cope with the pain.

However, this doesn't help me in anyway. All I can think of is the pain. I am rubbish with pain; I fainted after having my ears pierced! I don't like the thought of the indignity involved either, I am a private person and I don't want to be exposed to all and sundry in a hospital.

To be completely honest, I think the main part of my fear lies with episiotomies. Have any of you ladies had one? I have heard ladies I know who have had babies and had to have episiotomies say that they are really painful after the birth; one even said having the cut sewn up was more painful than giving birth (even writing this is making me feel panicky). The process sounds completely ghastly and horrific, I don't ever want to be cut down there! That is part of what I can't get my head around, if we are naturally developed to give birth why do some women need to be cut? That doesn't make much sense to me. I can't help but wonder if it's really necessary.

I apologise if this sounds like a stupid post or like I am being derogatory towards pregnant women because I am not. I think I might like to have a kid one day but my fear makes it hard to ever imagine being able to go through with it.

Any advice you can offer would be appreciated.

[Corylus]

...5 people view, none comment?

[saz18]

Hey,

Well im 9 weeks pregnant with my 1st baby. And im also terrified of everything thats to come, but like you say we are designed to do this and like so many things in life we shall find the strength from somewhere to do what we have to do and get through pregnancy and child birth. Although so much of what we read about pregnancy is horrific, they do fail to tell you about the somewhat "easier" births. IMO i think its preparing us for the worst....Ya no worst case scenario, this or that will happen, so that if we are prepared for the absolute worst and it doesn't happen it will seem like a bonus.

The being cut thing.....i certainly don't think your on your own saying you don't ever want to be cut down there, but sometimes (as far as i know) when a forceps delivery is required usually becuase baby needs to come out pretty sharpish due to health concerns of mother or baby, that cuttng is necessary to use the forceps. I have been told that at the time as strange as it may sound even the women with the lowest threshold for pain don't care at the time becuase you just want baby out and will do what ever is necessary to achieve that!! You also have c-section as an option.....that way the cutting "down there" wouldn't be a concern.

My advice would be to go talk it through with your doctor and then when it comes to the point where you are seriously considering having a baby start doing your research, there are many sites that you can chat to mothers and expectant mothers and they can relay real life stories some will be just like the horrific ones you've already heard but it will also surpirse you how many stories weren't horrific of traumatic at all.

Its possible you have an irrational fear of pregnancy and child birth, but its also very very possible you have the same worries and concerns as most women do, its a very daunting time. But i have very faith we will get through it regardless!!

[saz18]

actually go into the family section and there's a thread called giving birth.....that should be of some help.....

[Corylus]

Thanks for your reply,

I have read some horrible things about episiotomies. Some sources say that although they are intended to help delivery the problems and complications that they can cause after birth aren't very nice. Apparently some Doctors just do it without even asking you. I'm not sure if that's true but I want to be given the option of whether I have one or not because I really, REALLY wouldn't want one. I read one post elsewhere by another Tocophobic which said that she couldn't believe that in this day and age they can't makes things easier for women to give birth which I sort of agree with.

I can appreciate that some women don't think about the pain because they just want the baby out safe and sound, I'm sure all mothers want that, and I have no doubt that if I was in that situation I would feel the same. But, as someone not expecting and not wanting children yet (if ever)I can't appreciate that. All I can think of is the pain. I did think about C section but that's not much of an alternative. Can they completely sedate you when they give a C section?

I do feel completely irrational because friends of mine are quite comfortable with the thought of having kids, but I feel like I am going to have to be honest with my partner about the fact that I am completely petrified. I have only really started to worry because I can actually imagine us being together for a long time. I kind of think I should stop worrying until it gets to that stage.

[saz18]

you should. just cross that bridge when you come to it. At the end of the say its your choice and noone else's whether to bear children or not, and maybe you should reserach it and talk to the proper medical people to make an informed decision, be aware of all your options and all your alternatives.

The thing with being cut is, they only do it when necessary. You have to understand that the doctors priority it that baby coming out 100% alive and health, and mother being healty also, which unfortunately can mean having to interveen where necessary, and although you might not be asked for permission you will be told of whats happeneing and why it shappening. Its like someone thats unconcious, that needs emergancy surgery, the doctor can't ask their permission but if they don't go ahead and do it then they would or could die. Same goes during labour, the medical team that assist you in delivery are there to make sure mother and baby are alive by the end of it all. They do whats necessary, they won't do anything thats not essential.

As far as i know you aren't knocked out for a c-section.

[foolsgold]

I'll put my thoughts in here too.
You can greatly decrease the chances of 'needing' (I think the number of women that actually NEED an episiotomie are extremely lower then those that get them) an episiotomy by doing something called perineal massage. Before you go into labor (about the last month-month and a half) you and/or your partner 'stretch' your perineum. This explains better http://www.childbirth.org/articles/massage.html.
If you are worried about a doctor not respecting your wishes during labor and delivery then FEEL FREE TO CHANGE DOCTORS!!!! There is NO reason to stick with someone that you are uncomfortable with or you don't like. READ!! Read up on what options you have for dealing with pain through pregnancy, labor, delivery and postpartum!!!! The best way to combat fear is to LEARN, the more you learn about childbirth the better informed you will be and the more able you will be to make choices that work for you instead of relying on other people to do it for you. If you get the feel that the doctor you are with would do anything to you w/ out your permission or knowledge then DEFIANTLY find someone else.
Yes they can completely sedate you to do a C section.

[blondebimbo]

I had an episiotomy - my daughter was a forceps delivery. I didn't feel a thing because I'd already had an epidural and I was stitched up right after the birth. I didn't suffer any problems afterwards. Everything still works

The doctor I had was great - I was given the option of trying a ventouse cup (like a big plunger) first, which I took but she wouldn't budge. When that didn't work, I gave them the go ahead to cut me and use the forceps. I obviously would rather have avoided that, but I didn't have much choice.

If I hadn't had an episiotomy, I would have been torn to shreds, and that's why they are sometimes necessary. It's a clean and precise cut exactly where it needs to be in order for the baby to come out, causing the least amount of trauma possible to the vagina.

I don't think they're particularly common anyway.

[Captain]

I didn't need an episiotimy.

I had a natural homebirth and everything went smoothly, I'd do it again that way for sure.


Sure labour hurts but it's not that bad you know? Well it is at the time, but you deal with it because you have to. and if you don't have a good pain tolerance there's always the drug option.

Seek counselling perhaps, but if you don't want to have children you don't have to.. there's always the surrogacy option too.

[orangelily78]

hi i have had 3 natural births and no stitching required. it can be painful but there are plenty of drugs to counter this.