Basic Information On Becoming a step-parent

[Nikki (FF Visitor)]

You can the read the full article at: http://www.femalefirst.co.uk/parenting/parenting-831.html

I somewhat disagree with a few things as from my point of view people but too much pressure on so called blood relations. Lets use a case senario, a couple just had a newborn and come home with child. They loved the child without end but something went wrong and they realized the child wasn't really theirs bilogically. What then? Do you stop loving the child because it's not yours? No, you loved them all along so why change?

It's all got to do with the mind. I entered a relationship with my 2 year old son and my partner and I get so annoyed when people try to differenciate our son from him. Why? He's not biologically his but he's his in everyway. Whilst people who aren't aware find similarities in looks and compliment how loving he is to his son unless told otherwise that he isn't biologically. We now have another child and they are introduced as my oldest and youngest rather than he's mine and he's my step-child. If you enter a relationship and it's gonna be mine and yours then don't bother. If you can love the mum/dad, you should be able to love the child. If the child was before the relationship it wasn't in your time but if it was in your time that's the only time when you need to adjust to the fact that your partner/husband has cheated and even in that it's not the child's fault. It's all about LOVE.

[Pickled Onion]

Research suggests that stepmothers tend to have a more difficult time in their role than stepfathers. And for stepmums who don't already have kids of their own, the new responsibilities can feel overwhelming.

I agree with this entirely. Being a part time Stepmother is very different to a full time Stepfather.

[The Colonel]

You can the read the full article at: http://www.femalefirst.co.uk/parenting/parenting-831.html

I somewhat disagree with a few things as from my point of view people but too much pressure on so called blood relations. Lets use a case senario, a couple just had a newborn and come home with child. They loved the child without end but something went wrong and they realized the child wasn't really theirs bilogically. What then? Do you stop loving the child because it's not yours? No, you loved them all along so why change?

It's all got to do with the mind. I entered a relationship with my 2 year old son and my partner and I get so annoyed when people try to differenciate our son from him. Why? He's not biologically his but he's his in everyway. Whilst people who aren't aware find similarities in looks and compliment how loving he is to his son unless told otherwise that he isn't biologically. We now have another child and they are introduced as my oldest and youngest rather than he's mine and he's my step-child. If you enter a relationship and it's gonna be mine and yours then don't bother. If you can love the mum/dad, you should be able to love the child. If the child was before the relationship it wasn't in your time but if it was in your time that's the only time when you need to adjust to the fact that your partner/husband has cheated and even in that it's not the child's fault. It's all about LOVE.

No.

You put your needs above your child's needs.

There is a great difference between a father and a "who".

A "stepfather" is nothing. Absolutely nothing.

Your son needs his father. He doesn't need your lover.

Why would people want to differenciate between him and your son? Because he's YOUR lover, and he is NOTHING to your son.

Get that through your head misses.

[username_challenged]

There is a great difference between a father and a "who".

A "stepfather" is nothing. Absolutely nothing.

I can't comment on Nikki's situation, as I don't know it well enough. If you are commenting on her situation specifically, please ignore what follows.

I can, however, comment on my own. My stepdad is not nothing, he's someone else in this world who loves me. He respects the relationship I have with my father, and the boundaries it presents to him, but it does not lessen his affection for me. Saying a stepfather is nothing, is a gross misrepresentation of what becoming a stepparent involves. It devalues all the parents who've blended their families successfully, people who've stepped into the parenting role when one of the parents has abandoned their child and left their partner/spouse, and it devalues the good man that my stepfather is. Not every person is going to be a good parent, no matter how many children they spawn or are biologically connected to. While there are many people who make wonderful parents with no biological connection to the children they are raising.
If there was ever anything my father could not provide for me, I know I could turn to my mother and my stepfather for that support if I asked. When my father was sick, my stepdad was there for me emotionally. It was very comforting to have that additional support base. Now that dad's in remission, it's comforting to know I can always count on that kind of support from my stepdad.
With my stepdad as a model, I'm able to be a better stepmom. I can respect the relationship the kids have with their mother, the boundaries that presents to me, when to keep my mouth shut, when to speak up in the kids defense, how to pick my battles, and many other things I've learned from his example. He's a great person to go to when I need advice, not just about being a parent/stepparent, but life in general. So no, my stepdad isn't nothing.

[Polgara69]

[The Colonel]

There is a great difference between a father and a "who".

A "stepfather" is nothing. Absolutely nothing.

I can't comment on Nikki's situation, as I don't know it well enough. If you are commenting on her situation specifically, please ignore what follows.

I can, however, comment on my own. My stepdad is not nothing, he's someone else in this world who loves me. He respects the relationship I have with my father, and the boundaries it presents to him, but it does not lessen his affection for me. Saying a stepfather is nothing, is a gross misrepresentation of what becoming a stepparent involves. It devalues all the parents who've blended their families successfully, people who've stepped into the parenting role when one of the parents has abandoned their child and left their partner/spouse, and it devalues the good man that my stepfather is. Not every person is going to be a good parent, no matter how many children they spawn or are biologically connected to. While there are many people who make wonderful parents with no biological connection to the children they are raising.
If there was ever anything my father could not provide for me, I know I could turn to my mother and my stepfather for that support if I asked. When my father was sick, my stepdad was there for me emotionally. It was very comforting to have that additional support base. Now that dad's in remission, it's comforting to know I can always count on that kind of support from my stepdad.
With my stepdad as a model, I'm able to be a better stepmom. I can respect the relationship the kids have with their mother, the boundaries that presents to me, when to keep my mouth shut, when to speak up in the kids defense, how to pick my battles, and many other things I've learned from his example. He's a great person to go to when I need advice, not just about being a parent/stepparent, but life in general. So no, my stepdad isn't nothing.

A stepfather is nothing.

It's interesting. Research shows those from smashed homes are significantly more likely to create smashed homes themselves. Irresponsibility in relationships spawns irresponsibility in relationships in the children in future.

You fit the bill.

[Polgara69]

There is a great difference between a father and a "who".

A "stepfather" is nothing. Absolutely nothing.

I can't comment on Nikki's situation, as I don't know it well enough. If you are commenting on her situation specifically, please ignore what follows.

I can, however, comment on my own. My stepdad is not nothing, he's someone else in this world who loves me. He respects the relationship I have with my father, and the boundaries it presents to him, but it does not lessen his affection for me. Saying a stepfather is nothing, is a gross misrepresentation of what becoming a stepparent involves. It devalues all the parents who've blended their families successfully, people who've stepped into the parenting role when one of the parents has abandoned their child and left their partner/spouse, and it devalues the good man that my stepfather is. Not every person is going to be a good parent, no matter how many children they spawn or are biologically connected to. While there are many people who make wonderful parents with no biological connection to the children they are raising.
If there was ever anything my father could not provide for me, I know I could turn to my mother and my stepfather for that support if I asked. When my father was sick, my stepdad was there for me emotionally. It was very comforting to have that additional support base. Now that dad's in remission, it's comforting to know I can always count on that kind of support from my stepdad.
With my stepdad as a model, I'm able to be a better stepmom. I can respect the relationship the kids have with their mother, the boundaries that presents to me, when to keep my mouth shut, when to speak up in the kids defense, how to pick my battles, and many other things I've learned from his example. He's a great person to go to when I need advice, not just about being a parent/stepparent, but life in general. So no, my stepdad isn't nothing.

A stepfather is nothing.

It's interesting. Research shows those from smashed homes are significantly more likely to create smashed homes themselves. Irresponsibility in relationships spawns irresponsibility in relationships in the children in future.

You fit the bill.

How can you just dismiss this man? What gives you the right to say who should be in a persons life and who shouldnt? How can you possibly say that this man is no good for her? Just because you wouldnt like your missus shacking up with someone else if you split up. You are a very bitter man and I feel sorry for you.

[The Colonel]

The evidence for this has been collected for the past 50 years.

Stepparents are bad for children.

That is fact.

It has been proven consistently over 50 years that people with stepparents, usually stepfathers, are significantly more likely to:

- have a low IQ
- do worse in school
- live on beneifts
- be in prison
- be violent
- be domestically abusive
- have failed relationships
- have alcohol problems
- have drug problems
- have mental health issues

and so on.

But when researchers investigate single parent homes, which are not perfect themselves, MOST of these trends are reversed.

Coincidence?

The academics answer that question and say: No.

I am bitter at the way children are mistreated. They deserve better.

[Polgara69]

But the point is that not all step families dont work. Some step parents are good for the children as the previous poster pointed out. And look at my stepson. He chose to live with me when me and his dad split up and has lived here quite happily for over 2 years now with me and my other 2 kids. How can you say I am not treating him right. If I wasnt treating him right he would not stay here! He would go and live with hios dad or his mum. Why is is so hard for you to grasp that you cant tar everyone with the same brush? Not all step parents are bad. Some actually have a lot of good to give.

[The Colonel]

Let me put it in a way which might be easier to understand.

Lets hypothetically say my wife and I split up, and I entered a live-in relationship with another woman with children.

Even though I would have experience of parenting, love and understanding, money, and everything else that I provide for my own children, I still would be a negative influence for any stepchildren.

It's not an issue about who is a good or bad person, or a good or bad parent! Even if you are a good and experienced parent with your own kids -- you are still a negative influence for children who aren't yours and live with their mother!

That's the point!

[Polgara69]

Ok dont talk to me like Im a 4 year old dear. You have absolutely no experience of step parents apart from what you see on the news and your so called statistics which are loosely based on the subject matter they are supposed to be about. I have had experience of step parents myself and I also am one. Seeing as my stepson chose to stay with me when me and his dad split up speaks volumes wouldnt you say? Answer one question...How can you still maintain that 'username-challenged' stepdad is nothing when she has said what a positive influence he is on her life?

[Chiska]

a question... for the Colonel

Do you actually say that, because I split up with my husband 2,5 years ago. After a marriage which hadn't to do anything with love and respect for each other anymore... I should stay alone and spend my life for my son and don't have a life for myself till he leaves the house in about 12 years?
Being single, insecure and unhappy, constantly telling myself my ex must have been right in what he said to me, that I was nothing, useless, and that there is no man on earth who can actually live with me? Where the sadness can be so bad it effect my son in a negative way?

Or should I get a relation with a wonderful man, who respects me and loves me for who I am, gives me more self respect and make me feel happy in a way more equal relation? Which makes me feel so much better so I can be a better mother for my son, who benefit of a happy and more balanced mother?

Where my boyfriend is a more stable factor in his life then his own dad was, who doesn't seems to be able to take care of himself, who lost his job, almost lost his apartment and his life? Who doesn't seem to understand you have to help your child to become a balanced, mature, secure adult who can actually take care of himself. Who thinks that showing your love to your child is letting him do what ever he wants? Who lied to me, and doesn't help in any way to raise his son and doesn't pay at all for him? Who let me do everything and keep telling me what I do wrong, without doing any good himself?

You can tell my that I put my needs in front of my sons, but believe me, I am a way better mother when I am happy, and my son knows the difference!

[Polgara69]

He wont answer you. He never does answer a direct question. Nice try tho!

[The Colonel]

a question... for the Colonel

Do you actually say that, because I split up with my husband 2,5 years ago. After a marriage which hadn't to do anything with love and respect for each other anymore... I should stay alone and spend my life for my son and don't have a life for myself till he leaves the house in about 12 years?
Being single, insecure and unhappy, constantly telling myself my ex must have been right in what he said to me, that I was nothing, useless, and that there is no man on earth who can actually live with me? Where the sadness can be so bad it effect my son in a negative way?

Or should I get a relation with a wonderful man, who respects me and loves me for who I am, gives me more self respect and make me feel happy in a way more equal relation? Which makes me feel so much better so I can be a better mother for my son, who benefit of a happy and more balanced mother?

Where my boyfriend is a more stable factor in his life then his own dad was, who doesn't seems to be able to take care of himself, who lost his job, almost lost his apartment and his life? Who doesn't seem to understand you have to help your child to become a balanced, mature, secure adult who can actually take care of himself. Who thinks that showing your love to your child is letting him do what ever he wants? Who lied to me, and doesn't help in any way to raise his son and doesn't pay at all for him? Who let me do everything and keep telling me what I do wrong, without doing any good himself?

You can tell my that I put my needs in front of my sons, but believe me, I am a way better mother when I am happy, and my son knows the difference!

You have no right to bring a stranger into your child's home.

It is that simple.

My youngest children are 10 month old twins. If I split with their mother tomorrow, there would be NO OTHER WOMEN IN MY LIFE UNTIL THEY TURNED 18. The same thing my wife would do, for we have agreed it in a legal document. In any case, there would be no other women anyway. I am far too old. That boat has sailed. Even if I was 10 years younger I still wouldn't be interested.

When you have kids, you put them first.

Your post is full of SELFISHNESS - ME, ME, ME, ME. It's not about YOU. It's about YOUR CHILD.

Your child DOES NOT WANT A STRANGER IN HIS HOME - FACT.
Your child DOES NOT WANT TO COMPETE WITH A STRANGER FOR ATTENTION - FACT.
Your child DOES NOT WANT A NOBODY TELLING HIM WHAT TO DO - FACT.

It's amazing you know.

60 years of research has shown how stepparents DESTROY children from the inside out.

But because you want a man in your bed, slipping his C*** into you for pleasure once in a while, you are prepared to mess your child's entire life up.

You can have a man in your bed if you want. That's your choice.

But if you make that choice, you cannot have your son with you.

Send him to live with your parents in a stable environment, or place him up for adoption.

Grandparents, and adoptive parents, are NOT SELFISH. They want THE CHILD. Not themselves.

What's it to be?

[Chiska]

He wont answer you. He never does answer a direct question. Nice try tho!

he answered twice tho...

placing the kid at my parents... the idea! They are 60 and 63 and both have a full-time job, they spend about 36 years for taking care of me, my brother and my sister who had borderline, till she died in a car-accident 2 years ago, it costed them more then I can replace... ever. Now they have finally time for them self. My dad is remarried and I love his wife and my mom is single and have boyfriends now and then... Grandparents are not the ones to raise your childeren. They should see them just now and then and spoil them.

The mom of my ex-husband did what you said, never had a boyfriend or someone she loved for herself, did it all by herself and raised her son to a selfish human being who always got what he wanted, who never heard NO. His mom hated me, for taking him away from her, while he was 25 by then (I was 21) and 3 years later she drunk herself to death, because she couldn't live alone. My ex-husband has the same problem, he can't take care of himself and never will be able to live without professional help... why... because she never raised him as a independent human being, but as someone who couldn't take care of anything without help.

My son is 10 years old and knows a lot more then his dad knows at his 40's.

But well, I don't think a discussion here will help. You're stuck in your way of thinking and seems to think you can tell others what to do and how to live, if your wife ever leaves you, perhaps you can arrange a marriage with Cheapshot, you guys look a like a lot!