My 15-year-old daughter wants to marry a 54-year-old

[CagedBeast]

> It's called doing what's best for her kid....it's called disipline,

Sorry, I'm genuinely baffled here. How, exactly, are you going to FORCE a 16 year old child to do what you want?

I'm not saying you have to indulge your child in everything they want, but a 16 year old is not a slave. They won't just jump to your every command. How, in practical terms, can your FORCE a child to do something against their will?

I have trouble getting my four kids to do as I ask, and they're all under 7. I'd love to know this method of controlling them when they're 10 years older.

[niki22]

Yes, I can understand what you're saying to a point. Kids don't always listen....in other words, they do it behind your back (or in front of you if they have the guts), and get away with it somehow.

But something as big as marriage?? That should be easy to stop. Use threats....empty or not....such as "I hope youre ready cuz when he leaves you, dont expect to come back here". May sound harsh, but to some kids, it's the way to get your point of REALITY across. Sometimes you gotta scare the $hit out of them to make them realize it's not all fun, games, roses, and candy out there.

Also, any 16 year old with any sense would see something wrong with this themselves. Maybe they get lost in the puppy love and that's fine, but once they get a good talking-to from a parent, they may not want to admit it, but inside, they would know mom and dad is right....what does a old wrinkly man want from me?

Logically, what does such an old man want with a 16 year old??! Don't you find that sick? I would possibly even confront HIM. You simply don't allow it.....if you have raised them to respect you and rules since they were little, they would think twice about going against a parent's wish on something as big as marriage.

Sure, you can't physically lock the kid up to prevent it, but if you've been any kind of parent through out their lives, they'd have more sense to go against you on this type of issue. Do you understand what I'm saying here?

[CagedBeast]

>Do you understand what I'm saying here?

Of course - but teenagers, particularly teenage girls, can be incredibily willful. As it happens the daughter of a work colleague did something very similar to this - she had been seeing a 40 yo guy since she was 14. Her parents went to the police who said there was nothing they could (or would) do. Her parents made every threat under the sun - kept the kid in, stopped pocket money, stopped her form going on school trips - every sanction you can think of. The result? She's 17 now and is still with this guy - but hasn't spoken to her mother in over a year.

[niki22]

Well there's an exception for every situation, but even at 17, she's got growing to do. I would think and hope one day she'll mature a bit more and realize her mother was only looking out for her well-being and call her again.

[STEVE5OO]

Sure, they are WILLFULL little beasts! But were the ADULTS. We have to say no and stick to our guns. How can they learn that being an adult is all about making the tough decisions when all they see is someone with no backbone?

[CagedBeast]

>We have to say no and stick to our guns.

Hmm. Well I'd rather say "Yes... but"... and tackle the thing from sideways on... six months later she'll be the one to say "No" and think it was her own idea.

Manipulative? Moi?

[quietgrrl]

I cannot believe what i am hearing. You won't let her get married? She loves him doesn't she? She's ready for kids and sex, isn't she? She's ready for his needs as a man and not as a teen isn't she? She's ready for full commitment living sleeping eating and loving him for the rest of her life, isn't she? NO SHE IS NOT!!! She is fifteen! Her hormones are raging and she's rebeling from the system. Its what teenagers do! She is no adult! She is to live under your rules and restrictions until she leaves the hosue and can support herself. I still can't belive you let her date him. A 52 year old man? I think he's milking the relationship dear. This is the time when being a good parent comes into play. You have to be tough! You want what's best for your daughter don't you? She needs you now.

[eularia]

Hello, I've been following this discussion for a little bit... I just didn't post b/c I'm fairly new. But I just thought of a small alternative -- or more a "delay tactic" that will help bring mother and daughter a little closer.

Have you asked her why this 54 year old man makes her happy? What does he offer her? What does he do for her? Would she want to have his children? What is his career? How is he better than a younger man?

If her answer is that he buys her stuff and takes her out a lot, the girl is suffering of low self-esteem and he's capitalizing on it. if she can truly come up with legit reasons (and she needs to say them up front. if she stalls, she might be talking to him for help), then asking her to wait till she's 18 in response to that is good -- you know, use the "please think of a mother's position. i love you very much and want to see you happy, but I would also like some respect when I support you, and I'd be very grateful if you wait".

If her answer is that he's more mature and simply better than young guys, then she might have had an unhappy experience with a younger man and this is how she's coping with it (bad break up, boy cheated on her). She might truly think that an older man is more reliable or will be true to her.

Other things to consider -- if she says she has to marry him now cuz he won't wait... i think it's high time to talk to this man face to face with the idea that you'd like to meet the man who wants to marry your daughter. If you bring him into the home, it'll be more difficult for him to steal her away.

He could be a foreigner who needs to be married to stay in the country... or on a darker note, he may be a pimp. I'm not saying this to create nightmares or a huge hullabaloo! It's just another scenario that I think ought to be considered. My mother has taught young girls in a similar situations who ended up with pimps, albeit it they didn't marry them.

In summary, I really think a "girl talk" to find out what makes her wild about this 54 yr old, and talking to him is a good step. The possibility that she will elope is there (my dad's sister did that when she was 18... i wish i could say it had a happy ending). Finding a way to make connections is also a possibility to infiltrate and stop this disaster.

Sneaky thing -- hire a PI to find out more about this guy. But then again, I'm just naturally paranoid

[vic]

you are in a sticky situation, but for god's skae dont get angry. kids love to rebel, even if they dont know it, and the more you push her the more she'll run away.i know it's hard, but try to appear suportive at all times, even when she is doing somethingrealy stupid.talk to her calmly and rationally, get your point across clearly, but dont drag it out.i would be worried if i were you about a man of his age being into a girl of only 15, but she wont be able to see it at the moment.ask her to wait a while to get married, tell her if hes worth it and its the real thing he'll wait for her.

[san]

Hi there
My 15-year-old daughter wants to marry a 54-year-old man. She got engaged to him within six weeks and wants to marry him on her 16th birthday.

In another thread someone wrote:

Planning for a wedding and honeymoon is exciting. So is the newly-wed life. But that will soon fade too.

You'll be living together and get on each others nerves so you're communication skills must be VERY strong as well as your love and respect for one another.

Marriage is not a fairy tale. There's lots of dips and bumps as there is with anyone you live with. It too, will become monotanous and "boring" at times b/c unless you're very rich, you simply can't go on constant vacations and such.

There's jobs, bills, house, cars, insurance, doctor visits, future children and much more to worry about together.

Definately wait till after college and also AFTER you BOTH have stable jobs. Your goal for now could be to save up money in a savings account and not touching it until the 2 of you buy a house together. Be sure it is YOUR OWN MONEY though. If he saves with you, he puts his money in HIS savings, while you put YOURS IN YOUR SAVINGS. No joint accounts till marriage, PLEASE.

So don't rush marriage at this point. Too much other things to get settled first like finishing that degree, getting a career started, and saving money.

One step at a time.

What should I do? Her father just says "If it makes her happy, let her marry him".

What problems will the age gap and marriage cause for our daughter?

[SIMPLE: *Decide]

What should I do?
Her pops says:
"It makes her happy, let her marry him".
What problems will the age gap & marriage cause for our daughter?

Right to it: When the YOUNG!(maybe to)lady
'ages' till 23ish +;
-her homonally based 'need' for Mega seX will be *Peaking just about the same time the
(by then) OLD MAN's dik dont `work`.
That !WILL Require!!! ORAL Satisfaction
(*Both give & *Receive) Frequently. Provided the young one understands what Must Happen future, & accepts such a life: Could(likely IMO) be Good4Both.

[becvee]

WOW....I can't believe I am reading this or the surprising replies to your so called dilemna....
You are the mom, but you made your first mistake when you allowed her to date this pedophile. YEP, honey, thats exactly what this man is. Any grown man who starts DATING a 13 yr old (since that was the age when they started dating)has NOTHING but perverted intentions. Be for frickin real!!! He is old enough to be her grandpa and you should be put in jail with him for even ALLOWING a relationship to develop at all!
Your daughter is obviously never had a strong male relationship in her life(i.e. a FATHER) and not only is NEEDY but also suffers from extremely low self esteem. This is not even a question of if she should be allowed to marry this guy, but she should not be allowed to see him anymore. And for the rest of you people who are so wishy washy out there, you get exactly what you raise when you can't be a strong enough parent to be the ADULT in your childs life and set standards and boundaries for them. You grow a VERY unstable child who grows into a unstable, indecisive, irresponsible adult. SET STANDARDS< SET BOUNDARIES<BE THE ADULT AND HAVE THAT PEDOPHILE ARRESTED! just sick sick sick what the hell is this world coming to?

[RightOn]

Great response becvee! Yep, the guy is a pedophile starting with a 13yo! Report & get that creep off the street and into shock therapy or some other type of horific experimentation likely to kill him.

[Hotel_Whiskey]

I'm sorry why cant yu put yur foot down?!
Set times she has to be back from school so she doesnt have much time with him, if she isn't back start taking things like tv's, mobile phones etc

Alternatively invite the guy over, get to no whats happening.
I have a few friends with the same age gaps, unfortunately the one thing in common is that the family dont want to no either of them anymore. And these girls have all been in their relationships for a number of years.
If yur worried about her, yu should try and get to no this guy as much as poss, bite yur lip and be a shoulder for if it doesnt work out.

If shes gunna go, stay in her life, she might well need yu soon.

x x x