I was physically and mentally abused for two years by a man I had believed to be my soul mate and the 'perfect boyfriend'. The following five warning signs that something is wrong with a relationship and you need to leave are based on my own experience of domestic abuse.
If You Love Me
- Threats
Threats of violence. Threats of harming you. Threats of harming your loved ones. Threats of suicide.
My partner made constant threats, both verbal and physical. I lived in a state of dread and fear, not knowing which of them he would carry out. One evening, I spent more than five hours pleading with him not to kill himself, while he knelt on the floor in front of me holding a knife to his throat. As well as being terrified because I thought he might really do it, I was also very frightened of him hurting me. But it turned out to be just another abusive attempt at control and, fortunately, he didn't kill himself, or me, on that occasion or on any of the many others that followed.
- Violence
Physical attacks, which can be provoked by anything from using the 'wrong' tone of voice to failing to do what you've been told.
The abuse I was subjected to was nothing less than horrific. I endured almost daily acts of violence and had to 'prove my love' for him repeatedly by meeting his many outrageous demands. Failure to do what he asked would often result in more violence. One evening, I said something innocuous in 'the wrong tone' and suddenly found myself being pinned to the floor as, with his hands around my throat, he bashed my head over and over again on the hard tiles, until I thought I was going to die.
- Control & Criticism
Verbal abuse. Criticising everything you do. Putting you down in front of family and friends. Constantly checking up on you. Determining who you see and speak to.
Every part of my day was monitored and controlled. I couldn’t go anywhere without his approval. He would often follow me – checking up on where I went. My days revolved around him and I became largely confined to his house. He would constantly berate me and criticise everything I said and did. Nothing I did was ever good enough, no matter how hard I tried.
- Isolation
Preventing you from seeing family and friends. Monitoring or forbidding your phone calls or access to email and social media. Not allowing you to leave the house.
Within a matter of months of first meeting him, my boyfriend had very quickly and cleverly isolated me from my family and friends. Limited and controlled contact swiftly became no contact at all. Phone bills were itemised. Internet usage and social media usage were blocked. My former ‘normal’ life - in which I had a good career and social life, spending time with friends and family - became a surreal memory. I had no one to talk to, to help me see the ‘truth’ of my situation, so I began to doubt myself and believe what he claimed to be the truth - that I was responsible for turning my loving boyfriend into a violent and vicious abuser.
- Denial
Persistently and emphatically denying the abuse or insisting that it’s your fault. Being gentle and patient in public, then violent and angry behind closed doors. Crying and begging for forgiveness. Saying that it will never happen again.
It was always my fault. According to my boyfriend, I had turned him from a ‘loving’ man into a ‘monster’. So it was my responsibility to stay with him and fix him. He was a very clever, persuasive man with a Jekyll and Hyde persona, and it became almost impossible for me to distinguish between his lies and reality.
If You Love Me by Alice Keale with Jane Smith is published by Harper Element, £7.99