Antonia Murphy
By Antonia Murphy, author of DIRTY CHICK: Adventures of an Unlikely Farmer
Start with chickens. Chickens give you eggs and very little attitude. This will imbue you with a false sense of confidence and encourage you to pursue your ill-conceived farming career.
Stay away from roosters. They want to wake you up early then kill you.
The next animal to get is probably a sheep. Sheep just stand around and eat grass, and they provide delicious, happy lamb chops for your table.
Unless they’ve been hand-reared. Sheep who have been bottle-fed by humans become 100 pounds of homicidal mutton death. Seriously, they are unafraid of humans and they will TAKE YOU DOWN.
Also, you have to shave the bits of poo off their bums or they get flesh-eating maggots. On second thought, skip the sheep.
Instead, get a baby goat. They are shockingly cute and clever and they love to jump on things like the hood of your car.
Now that your car is scratched and dented, you can let go of your attachment to material possessions and acquire a calf.
This is important, because when you bring the calf home it will relieve itself all over the car boot. See? Things aren’t important. Cute baby cows are important. Pet the cow. Try not to breathe.
Since your car will never smell the same, you may as well stay home and brew wine. This is shockingly easy, and can be done with any fruit, some water, sugar, and brewer’s yeast.
Are you drunk yet? Good. Now the sheep poo and the aggro roosters seem hilarious, don’t they? Keep drinking fruit wine! You have a brilliant farming career ahead of you.
ANTONIA MURPHY is an award-winning magazine journalist, author and adventurer. A native of San Francisco, CA, she now lives on a farm in Whangerei, New Zealand with her husband and children. Her memoir, DIRTY CHICK: Adventures of an Unlikely Farmer, launched January 22 with Gotham Books. For more: antoniamurphy.com.