Managing un-halal ration packs

Some of the ration packs would contain meat that was not halal (the Islamic form of slaughtering animals). I didn't tell any of the recruits or trainers that I wasn't allowed to eat some of the food content supplied as I didn't want to come across as making a fuss or trying to be different. In order to blend in I would get my ration packs out at the same time as the recruits and leave them on display so they could see I was doing the same as them. Sometimes if the meat content was not much, I would cook them up with the rest of the recruits, doing a prayer over it, then eat the content around the meat. If the rations had pig content, I couldn't stand the sight if it and the smell would make me heave, so I would leave them up open and have a couple of biscuits with water instead.

Worlds Apart

Worlds Apart

Do my prayers discreetly so the recruits couldn't hear or see me

My faith in Allah became stronger than ever during training. My training was such a lonely experience, only my faith helped me get through. Every night, under my basher (temporary shelter) I would whisper the prayers (extracts from the Quran) to myself, tuck my hands under the sleep bag so the silhouette couldn't be seen by anyone outside if a torch came on, then cup my hands together into the Muslim prayer position.

Stop myself from saying "Inshallah" in front of the recruits

The word "Inshallah" (meaning "God willing") is commonly used by Muslims, and my mother would always say it at the end sentences. It was very tempting - almost auto-pilot - to use it when discussing training plans with the recruits. I would stop myself, and say it in my head as it was part of carrying my faith through the training.

Hide that I had never done any outdoor activities

My upbringing meant that from a very young age I was never allowed to leave the house after school or mosque to play or stay with friends. Being part of groups like the Guides was not something my family allowed me to do because I was a girl, and reined in far more than my brothers who could go out and do what they wanted. The whole outdoor scene was a massive culture shock to me, so when recruits discussed their previous training or extreme outdoor activities they were involved in, I would either stay quiet or walk off in case I also got asked.

My views on 9/11

9/11 happened during my training and I sensed that some of the recruits began to look at me differently because I was Muslim. The more the news hit the headlines and became the topic of conversation the more the recruits became curious to know my views; if I opposed the UK's intervention in the Middle East I was concerned that they would think it was because I was Muslim, if I said I supported the war it was draw suspicion and surprise. I couldn't win either way so I felt it best to stay quiet when the subject came up or walk away to avoid being questioned. It made me feel like I was a criminal for being Muslim.

Questions about my family due to my surname

All the recruits knew I was Muslim because of my surname. Some recruits would ask about my family background to figure out why and how I ended up in the unit. They would ask questions like... What do your parents think about you being in the army? Have you got any brothers and what do they think? Do you have to go through an arranged marriage? I hated it as I didn't want them to think I was different or stand out in anyway, so I would avoid answering the questions.

Worlds Apart: A Muslim Girl With The SAS by Azi Ahmed (£17.99, The Robson Press) is published on 16th June 2015.

https://www.therobsonpress.com/books/worlds-apart