Prologue
Nichole
Not so long ago I thought I had the perfect life. Jake, my husband, loved and cherished me and as he earned a substantial income, I was able to be a stay-at-home mom to our toddler son, Owen. We lived in an upscale com- munity outside of Portland, Oregon, and were members of one of the area's most prestigious country clubs. My in-laws lived close by and adored their grandson, especially my mother-in-law, Leanne.
A Girl's Guide to Moving On
Then, in a single afternoon, my entire world imploded. I learned that Jake had been having an affair, possibly multiple affairs, and had gotten his latest conquest pregnant. Leanne was the one who told me.
It was common knowledge that over the course of their marriage Sean, my father-in-law had been less than faithful, and I often wondered if Leanne knew but turned a blind eye.
She knew.
When Leanne learned that Jake had followed in his father's footsteps she couldn't bear to see me go through the humiliation and crippling low self-esteem she'd endured through the years. Her fear was that Owen would grow up to be like his father and grandfather, disrespecting his wedding vows, tearing apart his wife's self-worth.
I wasn't like Leanne. I refused to look the other way and I couldn't pretend all was well in my marriage. ftat said, I was afraid to walk away from Jake. I feared being alone, the struggle of being a single parent and so much else. A divorce would mean a complete upheaval in mine and Owen's lives, not to mention our finances. I needed encouragement and support.
My parents were gone, both having died within a short time of one another. My two sisters lived in another state, and while they were supportive and wonderful, I needed someone close who would walk with me through this valley of tears.
That person, to my surprise, was Leanne. When I filed for divorce, she followed suit, and walked away from her thirty-five-year marriage. She'd had enough.
This was how we ended up living in apartments across the hall from each other in downtown Portland. We became our own support group, encouraging one another. She helped me wade through the emotional mire that went hand-in-hand with the death of a marriage, and together we faced each day of our new independent lives. I don't think I would have survived without her and she said the same of me. We'd been close before, but now we were even closer.
Soon after we moved, Leanne and I made a list of the ways in which we would get through this pain. We called it A GUIDE TO MOVING ON.
The first item on that list was:
Don't allow yourself to wallow in your pain. Reach out. Volunteer. Do something you love or something to help others.
That was easier said than done. I often found myself weepy and struggling against a desperate loneliness. I missed Jake and all the little things he used to do, like gassing up my car or changing batteries and fixing things. It added up to a thousand annoying tasks I was forced to do myself now. Plus, being a single mother is no cake- walk. I'd always lived with others, first at home with my
family, then in college with roommates, and from there Jake and I married. For the first time in my life I was basically alone and that took some getting used to.
Leanne was the one to suggest we each take on a volunteer project. Something that would get us out of the house and force us to stop dwelling on our own loss. She opted to teach English as a second language two nights a week. And me . . . I found an agency that helped dress women going into the workforce for the first time. To my delight I discovered I enjoyed it immensely. I'd always loved fashion and keeping track of the latest styles. One of my favorite things to do while Owen napped was read magazines. That was a luxury now, so working at the agency really helped me.
The second item on our list:
Cultivate new friendships.
We'd both lived the country club life, our social lives revolving around our friends from the club. I thought I had good friends in Lake Oswego but as soon as I filed for divorce I became a third wheel and my social life dried up. That didn't bother me as much as it could have. What bothered me was how eager my so-called friends were to talk about Jake. They were looking for gossip. A few well-meaning ones couldn't wait to let me know that they'd been aware of Jake's indiscretions for years and
just hadn't known how to tell me. Yes, it was definitely time to find new friends, which was one reason Leanne and I chose to move to the thriving downtown area of Portland.
The third item and possibly the hardest, for me, anyway:
Let go in order to receive.
This one came from Leanne, who felt it was important that we didn't get caught up in a quagmire of resentment and bitterness. She seemed to have a better handle on this than me. To be fair, she'd separated herself emotionally from Sean years earlier.
This divorce business (emotional separation) was new to me and I struggled to have a positive attitude. Almost two years into this mess, our divorce still wasn't final. Jake had done everything humanly possible to delay the proceedings.
This was by far the hardest thing to deal with because it was a mental game. There wasn't a checklist I could mark off. The goal was to think positive. That was a joke, right? Leanne assured me that once I let go of my bitter- ness my heart and my life would be open to receive. She is emotionally stronger than me. She is older and has the advantage of life experiences. I appreciated her insight and wisdom.
I'd had two years to practice and I was getting better. I didn't hate Jake. We had a son together and my soon- to-be ex-husband would always be part of Owen's life. Leanne was right, but this step demanded effort. Real effort.
I came up with the last item on our list simply because I felt it was important.
Love yourself.
Again this wasn't as easy as it sounds. When I learned Jake had been having affairs, I immediately felt that there was something lacking in me. Okay, not immediately, but a close second to the consuming anger that attacked first. This was really about separating ourselves from the weaknesses in our husbands. I lost fifteen pounds the first month after I filed for divorce. My skinny jeans fit again and while that was great, I was depressed and miserable. It was a low point. Loving myself meant eating, sleeping and exercising, taking care of myself emotion- ally and physically. I found this step easier as I could make a list of what I had to do and keep to it.
It meant taking care of myself spiritually, too. After Owen was born I'd gotten slack about attending church services and so I went back, needing the positive messages and the fellowship. Leanne did too. And Owen loves his Sunday School class.
The church offered a divorce support class, which Leanne and I both attended. It was wonderful and many of the items we discussed with the group were part of the list we'd compiled. The pastor joked that when he taught marriage classes most of those attending took naps, but in the divorce classes everyone took notes. I could understand this. I certainly hadn't gone into my marriage thinking Jake and I would be divorced one day. To me marriage was forever.
So this is it. Our guide to moving on. Our guide to letting go and taking the next step to whatever the future might hold.
A Girl's Guide to Moving On will be published tomorrow, Arrow, £5.99