Narcissists and abusive partners use coercive tactics to threaten, intimidate and control others. This is highly emotionally and psychologically abusive and is now recognised as a criminal offence in England and Wales.
Never, Never, Never
Like the traits of narcissistic abuse, coercive control can be subtle but learning how to spot the signs can be a helpful first step in increasing your own awareness in recognising and moving on from toxic relationships.
With coercive control, partners aim to trigger anxiety, fear, guilt or dependence. This is because when we feel anxious, scared, fearful, guilty or dependent, we are much more likely to comply and are easier to manipulate. Recognising the deliberate forms of control can help take the power out of its effect.
Fear-provoking and scaremongering - this includes any attempts to trigger your fear and anxiety. Abusive partners will attune into your specific insecurities or worries and use it as a way to provoke fear to control and manipulate.
Guilt-tripping - feelings of guilt and leaving you feeling bad, often then triggers feelings of “it’s my fault” and of feeling over-responsible. Abusive partners do not tend to take responsibility for themselves and instead blame any issues on you or others. Guilt and fear are often the things that make it harder to hold or maintain our boundaries. Healthy boundaries are key to ending and moving on from abusive relationships.
Taking financial control - does your partner insist on managing the funds or perhaps gives you limited amounts, controls or monitors what you have or what you spend money on? Many abusive partners aim to take ownership of the finances in order to create dependence and to hold control.
Making direct or indirect threats - toxic partners make threats to share personal or private information about you to others. This may also include subtle or clear threats to report you to social services, to make claims you are a bad parent or report other information about you to authorities or anybody else. Regardless of whether they do or don’t, threats of any kind in themselves are anxiety-provoking, frightening and abusive.
Isolation - another way to increase control is to isolate you away from friends or family. This is often done subtly over time, there may be encouragement for you to give up work, they may insist on supporting you. Isolating can be created slowly by being negative or critical about your friends or family so in time you see less of them, become more and more isolated and increasingly dependent on a toxic partner.
False-hope - this is the ‘dangling of the carrot on a string’ specifically about what they know is important to you or what you want in life. The fantasy idea is presented that they will provide you with this magical something, but it is just used as bait to make you stay or to control in any other way. I often hear about false-hope being used at any time an abusive partner feels you may be becoming more distant or thinking of leaving. Using false-hope is a way to pull you back in.
Not respecting your boundaries - narcissists have little if any respect for other people personal boundaries. This may be your physical space, belongings, your sexual, emotional or psychological boundaries as well as any other wants or needs you may have. In healthy relationships, partners respect other peoples boundaries. Usually the person who has an issue with you holding boundaries is somebody who is benefitting from you not having any - this is toxic and unhealthy and a key warning sign of an abusive, controlling relationship.
What to do if you suspect you are in a toxic relationship.
If you suspect you are in a toxic relationship with a narcissist or are feeling affected in this way it is important to seek the right kind of help and support. Arming yourself with further information about narcissistic abuse and controlling behaviours can be helpful in the first instance. Reaching out and talking to people you can trust is important - whether that is family, friends, colleagues or professionals. Know that coercive control is against the law and there are legal systems in place to secure protection.
Fundamentals to help put an end to unhealthy relationships and recover from narcissistic abuse include working on your own self esteem, self care and confidence, learning about healthy boundaries and communication as well as addressing any trauma that impacts on any of these factors. Finding a therapist who specialises in narcissistic abuse, coercive control, abusive relationships, codependency and/or trauma can be hugely helpful to support you through a difficult time and support your personal recovery and growth. You may also find support groups or meetings valuable. Coercive control and narcissistic abuse are highly abusive relationship dynamics, but there is help and support available and it is possible to end abusive relationships and move on.
Dr. Sarah Davies is a London based Counselling Psychologist and author of ‘Never Again - moving on from narcissistic abuse and other toxic relationships’ out now from Troubador
For more information visit www.drsarahdavies.com