I'm a contemporary fiction writer. (Heavy emphasis on the "fiction" aspect.) This has proved an astute career move as it means I don't have to wade through dull tomes like Burkes Peerage or 101 Facts About Ancient Looms for my research. Nevertheless, I take my writing very seriously and like to impress with my knowledge. So, just to prove my point, I've come up with a list of things readers should know about me so they know that I am "in the know."
- Just like the chefs on The Great British Bake Off, I have a signature dish. It's called The Turley Pizza Surprise. The "surprise" bit is that it's burnt.
- If I could swap places with any celeb it would be Kim Kardashian. I'm fascinated by her as I didn't think it was possible to have a bigger bum than me. More importantly, I want to know if the seats in First Class are wide enough for her or whether she needs two.
- I have been badly influenced by the Jeremy Clarkson and am now prone to random outbursts of Tourette's syndrome. These usually take place on roundabouts in central Milton Keynes.
- I'm very interested in celebrity lives. Unfortunately, this means sometimes I get arrested.
- I admire sophisticated fashion but sadly have little skill selecting my own clothes. Once, as a teenager, I bought a pair of bright green trousers patterned with large leaves. On showcasing them to my father, he looked slowly over the top of his glasses, put his hand in his pocket and pulled out a ten-pound note and handed it to me. Words were not necessary.
- As I like to keep up with the times, I know what sexting is and my contemporary novel The Changing Room is about an overworked mum who gets involved in a saucy sex-chat club. The upside of this is my older friends think I'm hip and trendy. The downside is my sons are no longer talking to me.
- I also have a signature cupcake. It's called the Chocolate Surprise Cupcake. I believe it demonstrates my original cooking talents. The "surprise" in this recipe is that the chocolate drop decorations are actually gravy granules.
- Although I love reading about all the celebs and their high jinks, I'm a very down-to-earth person. Even I were to ever become wildly famous I'd never change. Except perhaps with the help of a gastric band.
- I'm a huge fan of Jason Statham. In fact, I've written a series of haikus in his honour. This is one of my favourites:
Jason kicks lots of ass
Unfortunately not mine
I would pay though
Obviously, I'm still a novice at haiku. But what I miss out in technique I make up with enthusiasm.
10. I applied for a role in the new James Bond movie. Unfortunately, they said they wanted an actress, not a compulsive liar.
The Changing Room by Jane Turley is published by Sweet & Salty Books, Paperback £9.99 and ebook