- I bought my mum a nice pair of silver earrings for her 96th birthday. I should tell you that mum is the role model for my key character, Florence Yates, and like her she is very interested in all things spiritual. So I asked her if she had a horoscope prediction for the future, she said that being under the sign of Libra (the scales) she would carefully balance and consider her answer and get back to me asap.
- I love the film 'The Wizard of Oz', but I've never wanted to be a friend of Dorothy! My grandsons and I have watched it so many times that they now call it 'The Bizard of Boz' we've never really found out why, but suspect it's to do with the three year old's pronunciation.
- I can do an excellent impression of one of the Lollipop Guild munchkins, singing… 'We represent the Lollipop Guild, the Lollipop Guild… etc, etc,' while simultaneously twitching my left leg, face and shoulders to one side. Much to the amusement of my family this party-piece goes down very well after Christmas dinner and my wife never seems to tire of it. In fact she joins in the fun by pulling her 'Christmas cracker hat' down over her eyes and pretends to be asleep.
- Unlike Bill Yates, the unfulfilled protagonist of my story, I have never considered a fling with an oriental 'Femme Fatale', in fact my wife and I have had almost twenty years of happy marriage. We have been married for forty three years.
- My wife and I celebrated our 'Excrement' anniversary recently, which although not being the more usual, china, crystal or silver landmark, did seem appropriate. We didn't trade presents made from faeces however, but instead argued for an hour while watching 'Octopussy' and eating a Chicken Tikka Massala.
- I have never been scared of heights, but I'm petrified of widths. I gained my red badge for swimming a width at the school baths, but nearly drowned when I dived in and got my speedos caught around my ankles. I am now an excellent swimmer, but mostly underwater and when wearing shorts.
- My favourite Bond film is 'Thunderball'. Interestingly, most of the film's action takes place underwater. Shockingly, in the film, James tells his 'Femme Fatale' that what he did was for 'King and Country', yet as we all know the sovereign at the time was Queen Elizabeth. What a gaffe! Surely anyone in Her Majesty's Secret Service would know that.
- I have a recurring flying dream. In the dream I can fly, but only at a height of around six feet or so and, bizarrely, I do this by using the breast stroke. There are people beneath me, reaching out trying to catch me and I desperately try to fly higher and out of their reach. It seems to me that this dream combines the experience of swimming with that of escaping. I'm not really sure where the grasping people come in… my agent hasn't commented, but any suggestions would be welcome.
- My youngest daughter brought her boyfriend home recently. He is still there and although he doesn't contribute to any of the household bills, he frequently amuses us with his drum kit.
- Mum finally got back to me about the horoscope question. She said that she sees that future holds pretty much of the same as the past, but she has decided that she won't be having any piercings for her new earrings since she wants to leave this world with the same amount of holes that she entered with.
My Four Women and Elvis by Trevor Bartlett (published by Create Space RRP £6.99 paperback, RRP £4.99) is available from online retailers including amazon.co.uk and can be ordered from all good bookstores.
Trevor W Bartlett