Catherine Is Curious About Sex With Other Guys

30 September 2011

Catherine asks :

I've been with my boyfriend for nearly 4 years now. The relationship is generally very good, and he is the most caring, most loving and affectionate man I could have ever asked for. However this hasn't stopped me from being very attracted (physically) to other men.

I guess this is normal, but the way I've been feeling (guilty mostly) has been affecting our sex life. The way I feel has made sex dull and at times uncomfortable, which is really sad. He has picked up on this too, and I have been honest with him about the way I feel.
He's been really understanding, but I know he feels hurt. I truly love him, and can't stand the idea of hurting him. He was my first boyfriend, and before him I had absolutely no experience with men, I feel this has definitely got something to do with the way I feel.
I don't want to finish the relationship, but I do feel lost at the moment. Is this just a phase? Or is this more serious. Thanks.

Yin replies

It sounds like you’re in a really uncomfortable situation that’s making you feel really sad, because you don’t actually want to be feeling the way you do and what you want most of all is to feel good about your physical relationship with your boyfriend.
You don’t say how old you are but it’s not unusual to get to a stage and wonder what sex would be like with someone else - some women don’t even realise they have that question in their mind until they’ve been married for 25 years and they risk breaking up a family.
Essentially, it sounds as if you only have yourself and your boyfriend to think about here, which is one good thing. It’s good that you’ve communicated about the way you feel. I just wonder if perhaps you left it too late to start communicating, ie you didn’t let him know he wasn’t satisfying you before the magic went.
It’s not serious at all that you find other men attractive but are there any men in particular who you are craving, or even close to trying to meet up with? That’s when it suggests it’s not just a phase.
If you don’t want to split up, you have to address how your boyfriend satisfies you physically. But if you are in two minds, then why not suggest just spending some time apart to see what it’s like by yourself?
He’s been really understanding, so he’ll probably agree to anything you suggest in order to keep you - don’t make promises you won’t be able to keep. If a trial separation is going to work, you both need to take full advantage of the time.

Yang replies

Of course you love him and don’t want to hurt him - it’s natural after four years together and, by the sound of it, having lost your virginity to him.
But don’t confuse not wanting to hurt him with the reality of your situation. He was your first boyfriend, but you’ve grown up a bit and essentially, grown out of him or the relationship.
Unless you want to be asking yourself these questions in ten years from now, make sure you take action. You need to be single and give yourself the space to find out if it is just a phase or not.
But you have to risk the possibility that in being apart, he may discover he is happier without you as well. It does sound fairly serious to me.