Hi there, I'm international comedian and superstar Micky Bartlett. You're welcome...
No...wait, that's rubbish.
Ok I'm trying to make my everyday life seem really interesting, but despite this hugely attractive exterior and seemingly endless wave of success, my normal days are pretty uneventful! The day begins at around 9am. I work in the evening, so there really is no need for me to awake at this hour, however, my wonderful girlfriend is, as we say in showbusiness, a "civilian" or "muggle" if you prefer, and she has a day job. She is also in no way a morning person. I awake cheerfully each morn, turn to my wonderful life partner "good morning" I will whisper".
I will then be met with a bombardment of swear words about bad morning breath, how her hair now smells like armpit and threats of violence that can only be avoided with the presentation of a strong cup of coffee.
Down to the kitchen I will merrily skip, mop the blood from my nose and pop on the kettle.
Once the coffee is made, I return to the master bedroom of our one bedroom flat. I throw the coffee into the room like a soldier throwing a hand grenade, and quickly slam the door shut.
After my little princess has nipped off to work, my working day begins. For the past few months I've been working almost solely on my new Edinburgh show "Blissfully Ignorant" (5:15 everyday, Guilded Balloon, balcony, since you asked) and that process is as precise as one would imagine. From the outside, it looks insane (as the guy across the street recently told me). I'm not very good at writing standup on a page. When I was at school I was told that I have a very good standard of written English, but in real life, I only know about 7 words, and 3 of those are a type of alcoholic beverage, so my writing process involves walking around my home, pulling funny faces and talking to myself... I caught myself standing in a corner last week, like that guy at the end of the Blair witch project (spoiler alert, that movie is sh*t) for 45 minutes, trying to remember a joke I'd made up before I went to sleep. (My note pad was on the other side of the room and I'd just gotten comfy).
Once the "creative" stuff is done, I usually go to the gym. I'm turning 30 in a few months and my metabolism jumped ship some time ago, so now I have to exercise. I avoid talking to the trainer in the gym, he's too hot! I lift a dumbbell once or twice and go "great set Mick" to myself. Then I go home and shower. (I shower at home...so what?!)
Then I drive somewhere and tell hilarious jokes.
Actually...my life is great!:) come see my show!!!
See Micky Bartlett: Blissfully Ignorant at the Gilded Balloon Teviot Balcony 3rd - 28th August, 5.15pm. For tickets visit www.edfringe.com