Simon Wants More Than Sweet Talk

6 October 2011

Simon asks :

I've just started a tentative (it's complicated) relationship with someone. We email and text each other a lot but hardly ever use each other’s names.
Even when speaking we never seem to call each other by our names - it's usually my sweet or my dear, or somesuch. I'm not sure why this would really be a problem but am wondering if you have any insight as to why it might be?

Yin replies

Had you said you were in a long-term relationship and you had started calling each other by some pet names, I wouldn’t be surprised; it’s fairly common. You’re in a new relationship though, and are you texting and emailing just during the day?
I’m not sure how often you meet up. Who started it? Once one of you starts using names like this, it can become difficult to drop the habit because suddenly using the person’s real name sounds almost unfamiliar or strange.
I think, as you’re at the start of this relationship, tentative though it may be, there’s no harm in trying to use her name. what have you got to lose? If you feel it’s unusual now, it won’t feel any more natural for you further down the line, and then it’ll be harder to go back.
If she reacts to it, say you don’t mean anything by it but think she has a pretty name and you want to use it - because in a way, ‘my sweet’ or ‘my dear’ can be pretty impersonal. Anyone can use those names.
If you want to refer to a book, have a look for 'Stop Calling him Honey...and start having Sex' by Maggie Arana and Julienne Davis. That's if you've got as far as physical intimacy... otherwise she might think it's a hint!

Yang replies

What’s the problem - it’s fairly common for people to use pet names or sweet talk when they’re in a relationship. In days gone by it was the norm, and considered to be romantic. Your girlfriend probably loves it.
Have you asked her though? Don’t make such a big deal of it - if you don’t like it, start calling her by her name and ask her to do the same, other than occasionally. If she doesn’t like it, maybe you’re just not compatible. Maybe show her romance in other ways, so she feels she doesn’t need a sweet / pet name.