We had a chat with Tiffany Yorke about her life spent dabbling in BDSM and her true account of it all in her new book Broken Boundaries.
Sex on Female First
You’ve dabbled in BDSM since your late 20’s, what was it that got you interested in it?
Nine and a half weeks was a pretty good start. There was always that part of me that wanted a controlling man, psychically, sexually and perhaps emotionally too and the sense of security that can come with that. When I left university I was in a very demanding job and there was that sense at the end of the day when I was psychically and mentally exhausted that I wanted someone to take over the ropes.
There are quite negative connotations surround BDSM, do you think that they are justified?
I think that you can meet a weirdo in any walk of life. Many of years ago, before we had phones and internet, I’d put an advert in The Sunday Times and you met weirdo’s there and I always thought ‘thank god I met them in a public place’. The negativity that I understand from BDSM is that, a lot of people perceive, if a woman gives over power to a men or woman that you’re going one step backwards and putting yourself in danger, but you can be putting yourself into danger even when you get in a car with a man and he drives you home, you know?
Have you ever found that you’ve been judged negatively for your interest in it?
No, not at all. Some people say ‘I can’t understand why you’d want to be whipped?’ but who said anything about being whipped? BDSM is not just about giving pain and receiving pain, there is a whole spectrum of emotions and pleasure. Some people can be into the BDSM world and never, ever be whipped, they can simply like the control and they might be into role-play, it might just be a head game for them.
Would you say anyone can get involved or do you have to have a certain mindset?
You have to have a mind set. I think a lot of girls who I talk to who have got into BDSM and play the submissive role find a comfort in the fact that it removes the guilt from sex. if you’re suddenly tied up and you can’t do anything about it, other than use a safe word, or if you’re saying you want them to treat you like a slut then it’s not your fault anymore is it? You’re consenting to be in that environment within limits you but you’re not consenting to what happens thereafter as long as it is inside those limits.
Fifty Shades has brought BDSM into the mainstream, was that something that inspired you to write your book?
Not at all, I starting writing the books in 2009 and it started as a series of emails which then became a blog and then I thought about turning it into a book. The first I heard of Fifty Shades was through a fetish clothing website in March or February this year and I thought, ‘God, there must be a market for this, people want to know about BDSM’. We’d had Nine and a Half Weeks in the late 1980’s but it hadn’t spawned a lot of people coming out of their kinky closets and telling us what they’d been up to in the bedroom with whips. There have been a lot of books coming out off the back of Fifty Shades but my book is different, it has a different niche because it’s a true story, it’s not fantasy. It’s not Pretty Woman and Fifty Shades with the incredibly rich man. My story is about a girl who worked in the city, kicked ass by day but then liked to do something a little different between the sheets.
Your book covers your journey to find Mr Perfect; does your interest in BDSM make it difficult for you to have relationships?
I think so because if you’re a carnivore, you like your steak but was constantly going out for a vegetarian meal you’d find that you weren’t quite satisfied. I’ve met some really nice guys, some who I’ve taken home to meet mum and dad and thought ‘what’s wrong with him’ but it’s just been that he was too nice. I want him to be a bit rougher, a bit more dominant but not be a bastard and not to be a misogynist or a sadist. I want a true gent that will hold open the door and then get into my head over a nice dinner.
You’ve described BDSM as an addiction in the book, do you ever wish you hadn’t become involved in it?
I don’t think I had a choice; it’s like being an alcoholic I suppose. Too much of alcohol can destroy lives, too much of anything can destroy lives. I have lost a lot in my last relationship from BDSM but on the other hand, the experiences that I’ve had in my sexual adulthood have been wonderful. I’ve had a very emotionally rich life and I wouldn’t change that for anything to be honest. It’s given me so much pleasure.
Do you think the way BDSM is glorified in Fifty Shades is a true representation of what it’s really like?
Alarm bells go off in my head about certain aspects such as the part when he assumes that she’s not a virgin and then she tells him she is. The aspect that I don’t like about that is that he then decides to get a condom, meaning he was thinking solely about not getting her pregnant, because she wasn’t on the pill and there is absolutely no representation there of safe sex. The contract part isn’t right to me either. I don’t want to pick at it because that’s a fantasy book and mine’s a reality book but I have starting liaising with someone online recently who’s only experience of BDSM is what he’s read in Fifty Shades of Grey so I’d be very nervous about submitting to him, if and when I do meet him in the future, if he’s basing it purely on Fifty Shades of Grey.
Do you see it as a positive thing that more and more people are willing to talk about it out in the open?
Oh God yes, absolutely because life is for living. To me, sex is like a smorgasbord of food, it’s lovely to try new things and I remember the first time I tried lemongrass in Germany and that lovely discovery of something new! I was in the Apple store today and there was this lovely girl in there and I told her that Apple are now selling my book, and she typed it in and she said ‘I’m downloading it when I finish at 4, I loved Fifty Shades of Grey!’. As long as no one forgets that it has to be consensual, if it’s not consensual it is kidnap, assault and rape. You have to be okay with it, have a safe word and if you feel uncomfortable or unsafe you say the safe word. Gags have to be off-limits unless you really know somebody because if you’ve got a gag in your mouth you can’t say the safe word.
Finally, what can we expect next from you Tiffany, is there another book on the horizon?
Absolutely, there’s the sequel. We’re not quite sure on the title, I wanted to do a trilogy of what I call my ‘BLT’ range, so Broken Boundaries, Leaving London and Tantric Text. But leaving London is now in
production and will be coming out at the end of November. Once we’ve shifted enough copies of Broken Boundaries online we will then go to print so I really want to get over that 5000 threshold as soon as possible!
You can download Tiffany’s book, Broken Boundaries from iTunes now for just £2.99! Follow Tiffany on Twitter @tiffanyyorke.
tagged in Love relationships dating Relationship Fifty Shades Of Grey