How To Survive The Horror Movie

05-12-2008 10:17

So new film The Children is the horror movie of the week and the festive season turns really naff when children turn on the parents, you might not have got what you want from Santa but really that's a bit uncalled for.

Anyway as horror movies go there are a sting of events and actions that you can count on will happen throughout the course of the film, most of which end up in that character meeting a grisly end.

So here at FemaleFirst we have put together a comprehensive guide on how to survive the horror movie, just in case you find yourself being pursued by an axe wielding maniac.

1. What was that strange bump in the night? I have an idea! Let's go stumble around in the dark and check it out. I suppose it could be a serial killer or maniacal slasher or even a bloodthirsty mutant beast but I'll bring this flashlight that'll scare 'em away. For God's sake turn the bloody lights on!

2. Do not, under any circumstances, run upstairs!

3. He's dead. Ok so this is when our hero has finally managed to knock down the bad guy. After having his friends killed and almost being killed himself, it seems that knocking the bad guy down is a victory. Rather than bashing in his brains to ensure death, he will turn the other way and walk away or start running

4. You seem him die from a distance, car accident, falls out of a window, never go back and make sure... he never is!

5. Always make sure that your car is in full working order as the engine always seems to die at the worst possible moment. Same with the phones they are always cut off when you need them most so always carry a fully charged mobile phone.

6. Don't ever ask for directions you are better off just driving around looking for where you're going and running out of gas than asking for directions. But if you must ask for directions don't go to some rundown gas station in the middle of nowhere or some house in the middle of the woods.

7. Don't be a tough guy, this one pretty much speaks for itself, if you act like a tough guy then you're dead.

8. Never go back get to a highly populated area and stay there. Oh yeah possibly calling the cops is a good thing.

9. If you're running from the monster do expect to trip or fall down at least twice, more if you are of the female persuasion. Also note that, despite the fact that you are running and the monster is merely shambling along, it's still moving fast enough to catch up with you.

10. If you find that your house is built upon or near a cemetery, that was once a church that was used for black masses, had previous inhabitants who went mad or committed suicide or died in some horrible fashion move away immediately.

11. Always check the back seat of the car.

12. Never leave the unconcious bad guy with a loaded gun.

13. And finally, sorry to be the bearer of bad news but if you have blonde hair and big breasts it's never going to end well.

The Children is out now.

FemaleFirst Helen Earnshaw