Adolescence and your relationship

Give clear information about the behaviour that's appropriate in any sexual situations - stress that her body is private and no one has the right to do anything unwanted or to make her feel uncomfortable. Giving your child this information means that she'll be less vulnerable to abuse.

Some adolescents become very shy, even though they may not have been like this as younger children. They may appear to be doing well at school, but spend all their time studying at the expense of developing friendships. Try to boost confidence and make it clear friends are welcome to come round - but many children just need time to work through this stage.

Your adolescent may refuse to do something that seems like very little effort. She won't hang up a coat instead of dropping it in the hallway, she won't write a thank-you note to a grandparent, however often you ask.

The emotional effort required can just seem like too much effort to your child. Also, much like a toddler, your child has become very aware of her increased independence and widening range of choices. She says "no" simply because she can.

The secret is to accept that you have to give up control over your child. It's no longer desirable, or possible to order her to do things - you'll only create battles and even more resistance. Hopefully, if you don't force battles, she'll eventually realise that being cooperative isn't a threat to her independence.

Many parents find untidiness one of the most irritating things about adolescents.

Towels are casually dropped on the floor, schoolbooks are left on the kitchen table, and rooms look as if a bomb has hit them. The only solution is to allow your child to experience natural consequences - if she never puts clothes in the wash basket, sooner or later she'll have nothing clean to wear. If she never tidies her room, there'll come a point where she feels so frustrated at not being able to find things that she has a massive clear-up. You need to accept that a young person has the right to deal with their own room in their own way. If you give an example of keeping things well organised and tidy, the chances are your adolescent will eventually do the same. Adults often have a double standard, accepting a level of chaos in their own room or desk, nagging a child to keep to an unrealistic level of tidiness.

These years are the beginning of the teens when you have to learn to let go, to allow your child privacy and space and the right to learn by her own mistakes.

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