Adolescence and your relationship

25 December 2008

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Making the transition from child to adolescent may be challenging and difficult. The guide book changes with puberty!

Mood swings and independence Until now, your child may have been reasonably happy for you to make most of the major decisions in her life. But as she grows, so she develops a strong will of her own. It can feel hurtful when an amenable, friendly child suddenly becomes moody and snaps at you over the slightest thing.

Some parents find these changes harder than others to deal with. However, some parents prefer having young people to talk to and spend time with. For the adolescent, it's an experimental time, working out what sort of teenager and young person she's eventually going to become.

Puberty, or the start of adolescence, is now taking place earlier than in previous generations, and is earlier in girls than boys. The average is 12 to 14 years for girls and 13 to 15 for boys. By the end of primary school, several girls in a class will probably have begun menstruation.

You may not be able to simply reassure your adolescent that she looks fine. It's important to show you understand her concerns, while still giving a positive view of the matter: "I can understand you're worried about people noticing that spot. It isn't likely, but I can get you something to camouflage or put on it if you like."

It's important to respect your adolescent's need to try out different ideas, and not to constantly put her down. It can avoid many arguments and rows if you can concede, while still making it clear what your own views are: "Yes, I see your point, but what I believe is..." not simply, "That's ridiculous, how can you possibly think like that?"

From around the time a child transfers to secondary school at about 11 or 12, the influence of friends often begins to take on greater importance than that of parents. The clothes they wear, the school bags they carry, the music and films they like must all be slavishly copied. This is extremely important for adolescents - nothing is more vital to them than feeling that they belong and are accepted by their peers.

The wise parent goes along with this as far as possible. Your child will be making all her own choices as an adult soon enough, and there's no sense in huge disputes and rows if she wants to start now.

This is still the time to shop together, but allow your child some say over what she likes and dislikes - don't just impose your own tastes.

It's essential to teach about menstruation, conception and sexual relations in a matter-of-fact way. It can be much harder to talk about sexual feelings, the emotions involved and the responsibility.

Discuss sexual matters - use informal opportunities as they crop up, and always respond honestly and appropriately to your child's questions. Try to use other cues, like a mention on TV, to bring in difficult topics such as masturbation or protecting yourself from abuse. Children gradually become more self-conscious with age, so the earlier you do all this, the better.

Talk about love - use everyday events in the family such as a wedding, or a baby's birth, to discuss love and responsibility to others. Don't laugh at 'crushes' - it's very common for youngsters to develop a crush on a celebrity and have posters plastered all over their walls. Your child may also develop a strong emotional attachment to a real friend and it's wrong to make fun of this.

Show you trust your child to behave responsibly in sexual matters - this should act as an incentive for your child to live up to your expectations. Constant prying or suspicion will have the opposite effect.

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