Dating After Divorce

25 November 2008

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Long-term relationships don’t tend to end over night. Looking back I can see that my own twenty year relationship was free-falling without a parachute in the last few years. Or maybe it was never really right - who knows? But when it’s gone it feels like bereavement mixed with betrayal topped off with complete bewilderment.

Just say you were widowed (boy did I wish I was when she phoned to tell me about the affair....) you probably wouldn’t have the compulsion to jump straight into bed with someone else, but when marriage fails that’s exactly what lots of us do. Well, practically speaking, physical affection frequently disappears long before the end of the marriage and when you’re feeling vulnerable, it’s a natural thing to want to be reassured about your attractiveness.

The first lesson of recovery and rebuilding your life is - don’t go looking for love. Look for lust, fun, friendship anything just not love. When your self-esteem is at rock bottom and you have 'desperate' written on your forehead it’s just the time to attract a ‘badun’. My friend came out of a long and unhappy marriage where she hadn’t had sex for five years just to contract herpes within the first two weeks. Now that’s not going to help anyone’s self esteem.

Okay, so where to start? You’ve allowed yourself a couple of weeks of falling apart and now it’s time to pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and force yourself to get out and have fun. It’s that age-old remedy - smile and the world smiles with you - or some such irritating saying. Lean on your friends. They can take it in turns. Get them to take you out. You’re not going to be crying into your chardonnay forever. They can stomach it for a couple of weeks as long as you’re seen to make an effort. There’s nothing worse than giving all your time and sympathy to someone who wants to be a martyr.

Plan to try every wine bar, pub, club in your town and the next, so it’s fun for everyone and you’re not just sat in the same dark corner of the same dark pub every evening. Maybe, for one reason or another, you’re short of female friends, then try joining a gym. Its not just about meeting people - it will lift your spirits enormously. When I was a personal trainer I can honestly say that getting fit changed the lives of all my clients for the better. It made them happier, energetic, positive and calmer.

I had one lady who plucked up the courage to finally leave her abusive husband because she felt stronger, inside and out. For me, my gym buddies have been vital in my recovery process, they have given me just the right amount of contact plus they never knew my ex husband. I didn’t have to tell them anything about my failed marriage - they only knew me, single me.

Ideally make sure it is a big gym, has a cafe area and is busy. You will meet all types there and that’s a great thing because, who knows, if he really was never right for you, then maybe you need to try someone completely different. Plus, whist your checking out the men, you will find lots of strong supportive women there too, plenty of whom who will be looking for someone to go out with. Make sure you socialise before and after classes and try going at different times of day and evening.

If you are not near friends, family, a gym or civilization, or maybe you want to do it just for the hell of it, join a dating site. There are sites for specific professions such as the forces and medical workers etc; but I would opt for the bigger ones like Dating Direct or Match.com. That way you have more choice locally after all your aim is to get out and have fun, what’s the point in striking up a relationship with someone in South Africa?

Maybe you’ve decided all you want is a bit of physical love right now and nothing else. The Internet is good for that. You’ll have no trouble finding people who are similarly not looking for commitment but just a bit of adult fun. But be cautious - hang onto your dignity - no cavorting in your smalls in front of web cams. The man that asks you to do that at this stage in your recovery does not have your interests at heart.

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