Dr Pam Spurr, relationship expert and author of Sex Academy, believes there are a number of reasons we choose to continue seeing an ex.
Relationships on Female First
She says, “There are number of key reasons why women feel compelled to go back to an ex - probably the most common is loneliness.
“Even if they weren't that happy in a relationship there’s an increase in loneliness amongst singles - it's a big stressful world out there. So when they find it's not that easy to meet someone new that loneliness makes them reappraise their ex.”
There is also the reason of mutual friends, something that often cannot be helped after the breakdown of a relationship.
Dr Pam says, “Many exes have to spend time with each other because they come from the same circle of friends. Seeing as one of the three most common ways of meeting a boyfriend or girlfriend is through mutual friends that lots of people have to contend with this.”
So how should we tackle spending time with an ex if we have to? Dr Pam advises that you keep it cool and don’t make a big deal out of it.
She says, “It can be super-stressful at first pretending to be cool with your ex when you're hanging out with your mutual friends. But try hard to look at it as an opportunity for strengthening your relationship skills - having to put things in perspective, keep levelheaded around them and just deal with them.”
Obviously, choosing to go back to an ex time and time again is quite a different subject. Dr Pam explains how it can be emotionally unhealthy.
“What's emotionally unhealthy - and damaging to getting over a broken heart - is when one ex-partner is far keener to see the other ex,” she says.
“When one of you is hopeful about getting back together and the other isn't it can cause a great deal of friction. It hurts the person who would like to get back together and annoys the one who doesn't want to. In this case you need to face the reality you both see things differently to help you move on.”
Chris Brown and Rihanna’s relationship ended badly, so does that have an effect on whether you should be spending time together or are ex’s strictly off limits? Dr Pam believes you can make it work for you both.
She says, “If the relationship ended by mutual agreement and both of you were cool with it then there's no reason whatsoever why you can't maintain contact especially when you share mutual friends or work in the same company.
“However if it ended badly because one partner was emotionally and/or physically abusive, then it can be very damaging for the other partner to want to stay in touch to try and ‘make things better’.
This happens in cases when the partner that was abused ends up feeling that in some way they can rewrite history. They’re hopeful that things could be ‘different’. This is a clear sign that they're still suffering low self-esteem and are liable to allow the pattern to repeat, unless of course the partner with the problematic behaviour has sought help.”
There is hope if the partner with problematic behaviour has sought help, and Dr Pam believes you can repair the damage created.
She says, “If it ended badly then eventually trying to make sense of things together can be good thing. Done properly with both of you wanting to heal things in a friendly way can definitely help you both move forward with less destructive baggage from the fallout.”
Lastly, it’s important to remember that just because you’re friends again doesn’t mean you should be spending every waking minute together.
If one of the partners has moved on and is in a new relationship it’s respectful to appreciate that their new partner may not agree with you spending time together and it’s up to you to honour that.
Follow Dr Pam on Twitter @drpamspurr and visit her website for more information and advice, www.drpam.co.uk.