The 45-year-old advisor was more than happy to have a chat with us from her London based home and offer FemaleFirst readers tips on dating, sex and other issues. Let’s get down to business……
What would you say are the major factors for a relationship breaking down?
There are lots of reasons. Sometime circumstances change dramatically. Often you’ll find relationships are in danger if somebody, say, leaves a job that they’re in. I know my marriage went through trouble when I left my job. I used to be the editor of Cosmopolitan in Australia and then I left to write freelance. It really stuffed up the dynamics of the relationship.
Often it’ll be if you’re at a turning point as a couple. Like say you’ve been together for about eighteen months and everybody’s going “oh are you going to tie the knot, are you going to have babies” – that can make you feel like you need to split up, because one partner wants it and one partner doesn’t. If you’ve cheated is another common reason. Even if they don’t find out, a lot people can’t live with the guilt and rather than tell the person they’ll break it off.
Some people talk about “we” you know “we did this at the weekend” and others say “I do this at the weekend.” You’ll find if you’re still saying I, and people don’t even know at work, for instance, that you’ve got a partner. You start to think to yourself, well hang on am I really committed to this?
Also the blinkers come off at a certain point. That lovely beginning bit – the honeymoon period – we see each other very perfect with rose tinted glasses really. Then suddenly they come off and if you are really interested in them in the long term, instead of the glasses you use a bloody microscope because you’re really considering them as a long - term partner, so you scrutinize each other. Sometimes you just realize that they’re not what you really wanted or not what you thought you had. It can be that.
Sometimes people just drift apart.
What do you think about online dating?
Well I think everybody on earth is doing it. It’s certainly the way forward. The only thing that I do think and it’s a pretty common thing – I’ve never done it myself – but a lot of my friends have, and they said the only thing about it is the mystery has gone because you both know why you are there. You’ve got to have a real spark. But it is so the way to go –we do everything else by the Internet so of course we are going to find a partner that way.
What about blind dates?
Well that’s very much like Internet dating isn’t it…I think sometimes they can be a very good idea and then other times they can be absolutely disastrous. It depends how you got on that blind date. If it’s case of a friend has lined you up with somebody and they know you really well and they know the person very well – that’s probably a really good sign that you’re going to get on. If it’s a blind date that has been set up through a dating agency that’s not terribly well run, then it’s obviously going to be a disaster. Have you ever been on one Tracey?
No, thank God (Laughs) I hope I never have to go on one. I don’t think it’s something that anybody relishes is it.
I’ve been on dates, which weren’t blind dates where I’ve got my friends to call me and I might as well have said look I’m not enjoying myself, cos he just looked at me like “if you think I’m going to fall for that, you’ve got another thing coming.”
Do you have any break up tips to give?
Yeah, definitely. Seriously – like number one you need to sort out what you want to say. I mean I don’t think you should say “Actually, I’m breaking up with you cos I think you’re too fat.” But I think you should come up with something that they will believe will be best because when people have trouble getting over things it’s because they don’t understand. They’re like ” But hang on, you just said you still love me – so why are we breaking up.” You need to be quite firm and to come up with a reason which seems plausible which they then will accept. So then they can make sense of it. Once they make sense of it they’re fine – they usually get over it.
The biggest mistake people make, I think is trying to be the person’s friend. Because quite often you fall out of love with somebody but you still love them as a friend and you see them in all this pain and you try really hard to help them through it. But you can’t – you can’t actually help them through this and they can’t help you through this. If you want to be friends fine – but you’ve got to a break for at least a month or depending upon how long the relationship it could be a couple of months.
Ignore public places and don’t bloody do it by text! You know what though I sometimes think an email or a letter is kinder. I know some people would say you’ve got to do it face to face. To be honest I would be happy to be dumped by an email or a letter if it was a short-term relationship. Long-term relationships you have to do it face to face. But I mean it’s embarrassing and humiliating for people to be dumped. So sometimes by email it’s a better way to do it. But it should be a long email explaining things and being nice. Sometimes when it’s written down, people accept it more easily as well because it’s there. You can’t deny it. It’s like did he say that or did he not. But if it’s there in front of you you’ve got to accept it don’t you?
Any comments for someone wanting to improve their self-esteem after splitting up with their partner?
Get rid of people who make you feel bad about yourself. Simple as that. Like in you’re in a job where your boss makes you feel back get rid of it – get out of it. If you’ve got friends that just constantly put you down get rid of them. Get rid of any guy who doesn’t make you feel like a million pound. Be quite careful about who you surround yourself with. That makes a hell of a difference.
Then there’s the usual things. If there are really severe issues with self-esteem then you need to go and get some counselling. I’m totally pro counselling – obviously because I’m a psychologist but I mean I’ve seen it make such a difference to people’s lives. Because self- esteem is often a negative way of thinking. You get into this spiral of thinking that you’re shit and then just one thought leads into another thought and then another thought. Then before you know it you’re down to thinking that you’re minus 0. Whereas if you learn to think positively, and it is an art and a skill, you can get yourself out of it.
Also exercise is incredibly important. Eating right and exercise. Diet and lack of exercise effect our mood so much cos it effects the serotonin levels in the brain. It makes you feel better about your body which is often why people have a lack of self-esteem and it releases all the feel good hormones which stop us getting depressed. The quickest way to feel bad about yourself is to lie around, eat shit food and to do nothing. That is classic depression. If you did that for two weeks you’d be depressed.
What are your top sex tips for women?
Women think that men are always ready for it and want sex. I think they don’t quite get the fact that men use sex to express affection. Men can just want to have a cuddle though.
Give great oral sex. It is incredibly important to give oral sex not just because it’s how people have their most intense orgasm but because it shows that you’re got at giving as well as receiving pleasure.
Be active in bed. You don’t have to bounce around the bed but don’t just leave it up to him to make all the moves. Men always have to make the moves, particularly in bed. It very easy if somebody is doing something right to lie back and take it. But just remember that it’s nice to give as well as receive.
Stop stressing about your body. That’s the main thing. Loads of women stress about their bodies, even those with perfect bodies. You’re never ever going to get it right. There’s never going to be the perfect day.
Also let him know that you’re enjoying it. Stop this whole good girls don’t thing. Make a bit of noise. Even if it’s a moan.
Just be aware that after sex, is the time when our bodies are flooded with hormones that make us want to talk and his bodies is flooded with those that make him want to sleep. And women always think this is lovely and intimate and choose that exact specific moment to talk about something really important and intimate and he’s just not that interested not just because he’s not interested but because mother nature going “sleep, sleep, sleep.” So it’s not really his fault that he wants to turn over and go to sleep, his body has been told to do that. So save any important conversations – don’t have it when you’ve just finished having sex.
What are the most common errors that many individuals make in the dating scene today?
I would say for women, it’s they reveal too much too soon. I.e.: they tell everything on the first date and then they know every little, single thing about you. So they don’t need to have a second date. Also assuming that you’re item before your item. This whole “oh what are we going to do next Saturday” when you’ve been out for half an hour. And getting drunk. Both sexes get too drunk and wake up the next morning absolutely horrified. Not only horrified but also can’t remember half of what was said. And I think men boost a lot. Because men think in terms of what are my positive points and my negative points, they almost act like a job resume – where they go “oh, I’ve got this car and I‘ve done that.” They always big themselves up thinking that’s going to impress women when in fact it does completely the opposite.
A lot of people get together at work – what would you say to someone considering getting together with a co-worker?
It happens a lot because most people spend most of their lives at work. But I think you really have to think it through because going out with a co-worker is like having a relationship in a goldfish bowl. The whole world is looking in on you and it’s really difficult.
Also, it works a lot better if you’re on the same level as each other as opposed to a boss, subordinate sort of thing. I would think very carefully about it.
And the prime rule, even if you are having a relationship with someone from work, you really have to try not to act like you are, when you at work. Not to the point where it’s ridiculous but work is for work, not for sorting out domestic disputes and stuff.
In a recent Daily Mail piece it’s been revealed that British women have worse sex lives than most of their international counterparts, with only a third making love once a week. What do you think about that?
You know what with all those surveys I have to say – some people do it very well. But a lot of them, one week it’s England, next week it’s France. Human beings are human beings and I know from travelling around the world and talking to people that we have the same problems. Seriously, I get the same sex problems over and over and the same relationship problems and I have done for the last 15 years no matter what country I’m in. There’s a veneer of difference culturally obviously but 80% of the time it’s exactly the same. And I do know whether I would agree that women have the worst sex lives. I wouldn’t.
