My last date was a disaster. It was with a friend of a friend. I had never met her before, but, Dave, my friend, described her as being ‘tall, blond and maybe not quite a size twelve but not far off.’ As a man with not quite a thirty-two inch waist but not far off, I was quite excited and looking forward to meeting Nadine.
Relationships on Female First
I got to the pub at the agreed time. My eyes were immediately drawn to the woman standing at the bar, sipping from her wine flute. She fitted Dave’s description, although as I approached her, I couldn’t help thinking that he had under-played her strengths somewhat.
‘Hi, I’m Ben’ I said, offering her my hand. She looked a bit taken aback.
You’re ahead of me, aren’t you? It wasn’t Nadine. Nadine walked in just as the gorgeous stranger was telling me to get lost and stop bothering her. Needless to say, Nadine and I aren’t an item.
Now that I have established my credentials as a dating expert, let’s move on to dating after a break-up. I am in fact an expert at break-ups, having had a few in my time.
It might surprise you to know that a split screws up men just as much as it does women. Sometimes more. Men wrestle with the same questions as women do – questions such as ‘when’s the right time to date again’, ‘wouldn’t I just be opening myself up to more hurt’ and ‘is it OK to go on a date to a pub showing the football?’. We even come to the same answers sometimes.
But there are some things that men, or at least men of a certain ilk (my ilk) wished that all women knew about us men before you turn up on that all-important first date after a split. These are my top ten.
1) Men are rubbish. We aren’t deliberately rubbish. It just comes naturally. When the first thing we say to you is something like ‘you look nothing like my ex,’ make allowances. I am, I mean we are, just crap.
2) We are just as nervous as you. Those bags under our eyes aren’t usually there. They just reflect the fact that we were up all night last night agonising about whether to get home and change into our best shirt and jeans combo or to come straight to the date from work, via the pub for a swift half to settle our nerves of course.
3) We might say we want to know a bit about you, but we are lying. Or at least we only want to know about your job, your hobbies and, at a push, your family. We don’t want to know anything about your ex-boyfriends. If you tell us about your ex, we will just try and outdo him in every way possible. No good can come of that.
4) We aren’t any good at paying women a compliment. If we were good at paying women compliments, we probably wouldn’t have recently gone through a relationship break-up.
5) We aren’t always any good at paying. We are quite often broke, especially if we are divorced, paying two mortgages and funding our children’s latest Xbox games… If we take you to the local Weatherspoons, don’t give up on us entirely.
6) We might be gazing into your eyes, but it isn’t necessarily for the reason you think. You might think it’s a sign of our attentiveness. Really, we are just petrified that if our gaze falls any lower, you will give us a slap.
7) We are crap at reading the signs. Does ‘I’ll be in touch, Ben,’ mean you have had a good night and you’ll phone me to arrange another date, or are you letting me down gently?
8) We can’t remember how far you are supposed to go on first dates. Remember, as we are talking about dating for the first time after a long relationship, it has been a long time since we went on a first date. It’s been a long time full stop if you know what I mean. One thing you can rely on is that we will get it wrong. You will either want us to kiss you and we won’t, or you will want us to take it steady and we will be trying to thrust our tongues down your throat as the waiter is getting our coats.
9) If we like you, we will harass you nonstop until you agree to another date. Remember, we will be desperate.
10)See number one.
Ben Adams is the author of Six Months to Get A Life, the not autobiographical at all tale of a dad’s attempts to sort his life out after his divorce.