While it's true that life doesn't come with instructions, we do pick up plenty of them along the way. So if a neatly bound owner's manual isn't available, perhaps we should all be issued with a loose leaf binder for all those rules we collect.
Manj Weerasekera
That binder would need to be divided into two parts. The writ-in-stone, never-to-be-broken rules section: no murder, no stealing, no socks with sandals etc. And the Pirates of the Caribbean section of more what you'd call guidelines than actual rules: this section explains not always having fish on Fridays, low turnouts for European elections, and Donald Trump's hair.
Sometimes, we get these two sections confused and apply flexibility where it doesn't belong, which leads to speeding fines, bits left over after assembling Ikea flatpacks, and black bra/white top combos. And sometimes we go the other way and cling to guidelines as though they're rules. This often occurs in situations where we're out of our comfort zone. Like dating.
Dating, as with all human activities, includes rules. Some rules are actually just common sense. Some rules exist only in Hollywood movies. And there are some rules that need to be broken.
Men take the lead
It's the 21st century. Anyone scandalized by a woman asking a man out needs to get off their fainting couch.
Don't seem eager
Friends debating how long to wait before calling after a first date is a well-worn movie trope. At least it was in John Cuzack's boombox hoisting days. Today we have apps, social media and FaceTiming. Even the Luddites among us text. So waiting a couple of days before getting back to someone is just, well … rude.
However, that doesn't mean you have to use every communication platform all at once. No one wants to be smothered.
Don't kiss on the first date
Making this a rigid rule makes as much sense as don't have a pudding. When it comes to first date kissing, you should apply the same thinking you would to going for a meal: if you fancy it, have it … and try not to drool.
However, don't push things if your date doesn't share your appetite; just because you want sticky toffee pudding doesn't mean they're equally peckish.
Spend it like Beckham
Dates don't need to be supported by the International Monetary Fund to be special. Hollywood would have us believe that the bar for a first date is set at dinner on a roof (spectacular view and paper lanterns obligatory), preferably with at least one musician nearby, and if possible the food supplied by an exclusive and/or far-flung source. In real life, honesty, respect and kindness impresses more people than showing off.
Incidentally, to be fair to the Beckhams, David took Victoria (wearing a high-street suede mini dress) to a London brasserie on their first date.
People have types
This is actually a rule many of us impose on ourselves. If we've had a good time with one sort of person, we may think that's our type. Or if we've had a bad experience with a particular type of person, we may decide to stay away from similar people. However, imposing a blinkered view of the people around us limits our opportunities. After all, Crocs don't make someone a bad person; and they slip right off.
Who picks up the bill? Who holds the door? Who gets walked home? Who gets invited in for coffee? When do they stay the night? There are countless questions associated with dating. And there are countless rules to help you answer them. But remember that you don't have to be limited by those rules. And you can always make up your own.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Manj Weerasekera is an expert in personal communication and a Life Skills Mentor to high net worth individuals (including some honoured by her Majesty the Queen).
Manj has a world-class skills set that includes Humanistic Neuro-Linguistic Psychology, Performance Mindset Conditioning and the Psychology of Attention. He has worked with the House of Lords, co-produced a series of BBC audio books, and is author of the forthcoming book 'The Divorced Man's Guide to Finding Mrs. Right: The 5 Deadly Mistakes Divorced Men Make & How to Avoid Them' and 'The Merlin Approach™'.
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