Touching noses
It’s National Zoo Lovers Day so we thought we would take a look at how we revert back to acting like our animal-like selves when noone is looking and we are comfortable with our partner!
The cinema
Once the lights are down and the trailers have begun, eating popcorn is not like eating normal food- we don’t even aim for our mouths, just the general vicinity. If it hits the spot hurrah, but if it doesn't we are quite content letting it stick to our clothes, between our legs, in our hair. The whole etiquette of eating goes out of the window.
Gas
In civilised company we would normally hold onto a fart or burp until we leave the establishment and let it out once the coast is clear. Or as discreetly as possible, placing a hand in front of our faces or release it to the side in a slow motion sneaky belch. In relationships we just let any excess gas go- as if that is not bad enough, we actually laugh at our partners if they force one out- like it’s a contest!
Toilet habits
Now at the start of relationship it’s absolutely essential that the toilet door is shut and we are left alone to do our business in private. Once you have been together a decent amount of time, you begin to pee and poo in front of one another like you are out in the wild with no other option.
Night time attire
After a while, bed wear can become redundant- especially where men are concerned who like to sleep in nothing but their birthday suit. Laid out on a morning, with the covers tucked between his legs, his arse cheeks look just like a baboon's, all red and sore from where you have slapped them just because they are exposed.
Dinner time
Gone are the days where you used the table or even a tray, nope, when the food is ready it’s like the zoo keeper has dropped off the feed for the entire day. You both descend on the spot devouring the food, from the pan, the oven dish, on the plate, as you walk, like a scene from The Walking Dead. Once you are sat down in front of the TV it’s mostly gone anyway and your face is covered in sauce.
Showering
Although showing is often a solitary activity, some couples find that they don’t get that luxury. You are up first so you get in there and start the inevitable routine of shampoo, conditioner, body scrub, body wash, shaving….. Only to find that your companion has joined you- like a drought has hit and it’s the last water he will ever have to wash in. He washes like he’s scratching his armpits, giving his tackle a quick once over with his palms.
Your den
Your house looks sparkling at the beginning of the week after your Sunday afternoon dig out. As the week progresses it looks more and more like something large and furry lives there rather than humans. With mess all over the floor, food stains all over the kitchen counters, old dishes littering the kitchen, washing strewn all over the bedroom and your bed smells like night sweat and farts. By Saturday afternoon you wonder if you should get out your duster or your rake.
Sex
Sex no longer involves foreplay- it’s more like one of those scenes in a David Attenborough documentary, where the male goes over to the female and just sticks it in. She succumbs to it so she knows it’s out of the way for another day. She can get on with other things while he is recouping his load that he’s just dumped inside her.
tagged in The Walking Dead Partner