Claire Certain, Head of Trends at dating app Happn
Relationships on Female First
Halloween is now dimming, and mostly we're over our childhood fears of things that go bump in the night. But there's one creature that persists, if only existing to haunt our romantic lives: ghosts.
The phenomenon of ghosting occurs when someone you are dating suddenly goes silent on you, with no indication that they are no longer interested. One moment you are flirting back and forth after a handful of dates, the next you are checking your phone incessantly, bewildered at why this person you had a connection with has so abruptly dropped off the face of the earth.
Ghosting can happen at any point in a relationship, and even between friends. It is of course hurtful to meet and build a connection with someone - even if it transpires to be one-sided - who then disappears.
Here, Claire Certain, Head of Trends at dating app Happn, gives her top tips on how to deal with a ghost and how to avoid ghosting others.
Dealing with a ghost
There are four general stages people go through when they have been ghosted.
The first is the realisation that you've double/triple/quadruple-texted this person with no response, and that your message inbox is haunted by a phantom dater.
You know they've read your messages (thanks, Whatsapp blue ticks) but virtual tumbleweed now rolls through your chat thread. You realise you have been ghosted.
The second is disbelief. They must have broken their phone somehow, or perhaps they were involved in a horrible accident - why else wouldn't they message back?
The third is anger - chiefly that someone who you've spent your time on would cut you out without even letting you know.
Fourth comes self-doubt. When someone's started ignoring your messages or calls, it's important not to start blaming yourself for their failure to get back in touch.
For one thing, you don't know what's going on behind the scene for them. Perhaps they have some relationship baggage that is on their mind, or maybe something bigger is going on in their lives more generally.
Alternatively, they may simply be the sort of person who always avoids confrontation, or who can't bring themselves to express their feelings. In this particular situation, you are most likely better off without someone who can't be authentic with you, so use that knowledge to brush off their silence and move on.
How to avoid being ghosted in the future
You can never guarantee that someone won't ghost you in the future, but you can take steps to try to avoid it. First, don't ghost people yourself. Second, be open in your dates and mention that you value honesty. Should you want to be more obvious, tell a light-hearted anecdote of a friend who was ghosted in the past. Hopefully they will take the hint and let you know if they change their mind or aren't feeling it.
Are you a ghost?
It's of course extremely awkward to have to let someone down after a few dates, when you aren't on the same page. This desire not to hurt someone - or, more often, not to deal with confrontation - is what leads people to ghost in the first place.
If you are the disinterested party, make sure you are open with the other person and let them know. Perhaps more uncomfortable than breaking up with a long-term partner is knowing how to let down someone you have only had a few dates with - does it even warrant a 'break-up' discussion? What if they weren't bothered in the first place? You can only judge what sort of dialogue should be had based on your particular situation - perhaps a post-date text is enough, or a phone call. Whatever the level of conversation, just make sure that you have one and make things clear. It can't hurt you and it's just respectful as a matter of courtesy for the other person.
It's never fun to admit defeat and accept that a relationship is over, no matter how short-lived, but one should avoid dwelling in the dark, not only for yourself, but because you never know what might happen in the future. Whether you're the one leaving, or the one being left behind, be confident and open with the other person so that your ghosts of today don't linger into tomorrow.
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