Gone are the days when you used to break up and as long as you didn’t frequent the same social circles or live near your ex- you could be safe in the knowledge that you would likely never bump into them again. Once upon a time, you wouldn’t necessarily know if you were being cheated on or not- but now it’s much easier to put two and two together;
With constant spying that's how!
“I knew something was up when his Facebook location said Victoria Park & Bramhall rather than where he lives yesterday. I figured he was either watching football with his friend or with a girl. Turns out the latter was true…they met on tagged chat, the same website that led to our breakup.”
With Facebook, sometimes the temptation is too great not to check up on an ex and see if they have moved on faster than you have. In fact, a fifth of women still keep tabs on their ex under someone else’s profile or under a fake one, according to www.pencourage.com. The most frustrating part is if they suddenly portray themselves as someone else- and perhaps you would have liked that person more. But you are left with burning question were they themselves with me or were they hiding the real them?
“I was casually cruising Instagram and see the ex has posted a picture. It's a comment on some new designer shorts he has purchased. Perfectly innocent, except it fills me with anger and...jealousy? Why do people break up and suddenly become a better version of themselves? Why do they suddenly develop interests they would never have had before?? He never liked fashion, designers, spending money or Instagram.”
Pencourage allows people to post up to 200 words about their exes in a diary with photos, music or videos- a place where people can be totally honest about their ex observations and their regretful reunions and discoveries.
“Last night I discovered my ex had deleted me on Facebook, which made me cry like a baby.”
Just under a third of women have vowed to stay with friends with an ex and have followed their exes on social networking.
“I have an ex who I like to keep in touch with from time to time. Unfortunately, his current girlfriend has made sure he's blocked me on every social network. I am disgruntled about this. We dated 7 years ago. But he's still important to me...On the other hand, my current boyfriend still checks up on his ex almost every other day on Facebook. I have to tell myself that it's out of habit, and that he has a right to still be interested…It bugs me but being on both sides of the stick, I have learned; there are some people you never stop caring about. And why should you?”
22% keep a close eye on what their ex is up to by regularly looking at their activity on their Facebook page, however sometimes if they look like they are having a better time of things than you it can become very hard to go back to;
“So yesterday I finally decided to delete an ex off of Facebook…the reason I deleted him was because I was sick of seeing his - whatever you wanna call her, girlfriend? posting these happy statuses about how happy they are…”
Around half have the courage to stay away from their ex; the same again said that they would not call their ex if they were drunk. However 19% have made contact with their ex and regretted their encounter or been left confused by it.
“I slept with my ex after 3 years. I can't believe I did it. He has now deactivated his Facebook. I know he did because I logged out and typed his URL in and the page still didn't come up. I even logged into my other account and nothing. He did this a few days later and he and I hooked up. Is it because of me? What should I think?”
Pencourage Founder Peter Clayton comments;
“The most widely used tags on Pencourage are ‘sex’ and ‘relationships’. So it is unsurprising that social media, texting and online dating - unavoidable trappings of modern life - have become inextricably linked with these themes. There are thousands of real life journals on the site dealing with the challenges of entirely disentangling ourselves from previous relationships, so we were curious as to how online habits could contribute to (or prevent us from!) being able to truly move on.”
According to Dr. Michael Sinclair, consultant psychologist and Clinical Director of London-based City Psychology Group (www.citypsychology.com);
“Social media makes it undoubtedly easier for us to keep track of people we once knew. We may feel compelled to do this for a number of reasons. It’s fair to say that if we really care for someone we’d understandably want to check-in and see how they are and maybe relive some of those good times. Often however, checking-in can be more a form of ‘checking-up’. This can be an attempt to validate our own self-worth and possibly quench any feelings of failure, rejection or loneliness – as we often secretly hope to see how unhappy and lonely others are by comparison. If this is the motivation, it often backfires and just makes us feel worse about ourselves.
Dr. Sinclair advises;
“We usually scroll through social networks when we are bored or have nothing better to do, so it’s wise to recognize that if coming across your ex enjoying their new life is leading to more rumination, worry or low feelings, cutting online ties might be the best option for moving on.”
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