This MS Awareness Week, Lydia from the Multiple Sclerosis Trust offers some advice on relationships and MS.
Relationships on Female First
Patience is a virtue
Patience is hugely important in any relationship, but when your loved one is struggling with the symptoms of MS, it is even more vital. This could mean not immediately jumping in like a know-it-all when ‘cog fog’ clouds their thoughts (cognition issues are common symptom of MS), understanding that they may not always be able to keep up with your pace when MS fatigue rears its ugly head, or simply giving them enough time and space to make sense of an MS diagnosis in their own way. A little bit of patience can make a very big difference.
It’s good to talk (but only when you’re ready)
Some people may be happy to talk about their MS, but others might find it more difficult, especially if the diagnosis is still very raw. Never put pressure on your partner; they’ll open up when they are ready, and it is your job to be there to listen whenever they need a good old moan.
Stay informed
MS is a complex condition which can sometimes be misunderstood, so it’s always important to sort out the facts from the myths. Visit mstrust.org.uk for a whole wealth of information on MS, from the latest research to the best ways to manage different symptoms, or call the MS Trust’s free enquiry service on 0800 032 38 39 with any questions you might have. You could also offer to attend medical appointments with your partner. The better you understand the condition, the better support you can give.
Keep a sense of normality
It might be tempting to wrap your partner up in cotton wool, smother them in love and affection, and forbid them from lifting a finger. Although they might find this fun for a while (we all love being pampered now and again!), in the long-term this overbearing approach is bound to wear thin. Most people with MS are determined to try and live as normal a life as possible and will resent constantly being asked if they are ok. They will ask for help if and when they need it, so don’t force it upon them.
Let your partner take the lead
When it comes to choosing treatments and managing symptoms, let your partner take the lead. You may not always agree, but it is their body and they know it best.
Less is more
Fatigue is one of the most common and debilitating symptoms of MS, so when you want to spend quality time together, embrace the simple pleasures in life rather than suggesting activities that could leave your partner feeling completely exhausted. Who doesn’t love an evening snuggled up on the sofa watching Netflix?
Be willing to adapt
MS is unpredictable. Different people with MS experience different symptoms at different stages. You don’t know how you’ll feel day to day or even hour to hour, so it’s important to be flexible with your plans. You don’t have to let MS rule your lives, but you do have to be willing to adapt.
Let’s talk about sex (baby)
It is only natural for couples to be worried about how MS might affect their physical relationship, and it is true that in some cases difficulties can arise. A diagnosis and the symptoms of the condition will undoubtedly affect how your partner feels about sex and intimacy and how they might relate to you, but if you’re both open and honest about how you’re feeling, you’ll be in a much better place to deal with any issues. Be prepared to change routines to accommodate fluctuating energy levels, to adapt sexual positions or find different ways to be intimate with each other that don't involve sexual activity.
Be their partner first
The partner of someone with MS may find that at certain stages they are taking on some aspect of care. This might be personal care, helping out around the house with day to day tasks or helping your partner get around if they have poor mobility. If this is the case, always remember you’re first and foremost their husband or wife; boyfriend or girlfriend; the role of carer should never overtake that.
Ensure you’re always there for them
An MS diagnosis is the start of a long and unpredictable journey, and there’s likely to be many bumps along the way. So just being there, unconditionally, through it all, is the most important thing.
For more information about MS, visit mstrust.org.uk.
What is MS?
Multiple sclerosis is a condition that affects the nerves in the brain and spinal cord. It is a lifelong, condition, usually diagnosed in people’s 20s and 30s, and can cause a wide variety of symptoms, including eyesight problems, fatigue, balance problems, altered sensations and cognitive issues. Over 100,000 people in the UK live with MS and it affects around three times as many women as men. There is currently no cure.
Who are the MS Trust?
The MS Trust is a charity which works to make a difference today for the more than 100,000 people living with MS in the UK.
We produce practical, reliable information, online and in print, and offer a telephone and email enquiry service to anyone who needs to know more about MS.
We work to make sure everyone affected by MS can access good quality, specialist care. We offer a full range of support to both specialists and health professionals with an interest in MS, including online information, publications, newsletters and professional development. We work in partnership with health professionals to improve MS services now and in the future.
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