By Manj Weerasekera, The Fresh Start Guy
Is keeping your ex in your life a good or a bad thing?
In one of their songs, the band Bowling For Soup make a convincing case that High School Never Ends. They claim that the adult world is just like the teen world: obsessed with who's the best dressed, who's got money, who's got the right friends.
They have a point.
Of course there are marked differences between the lives of someone in their teens and someone in their fifties; these include mortgages, wildly different attention spans during Countryfile, and the likelihood of having to deal with a lurking ex.
And when it comes to lurking exes, teenagers are like Jon Snow: they know nothing. Remember when the worst you had to cope with was your new boyfriend or girlfriend and their ex sharing a Bunsen burner during double Chemistry. Back then we were able to shrug off previous relationships easily because those relationships may have lasted just a few months, perhaps weeks.
Things are different later in life.
Children, pets, property, perhaps even business interests can mean someone and their ex never truly leave each other's lives. But it is important to move on and relegate the ex to the lower levels of the emotional rankings. If not, trouble is inevitable.
From stiff-upper lip stoicism to conscious uncoupling, people deal with break-ups in a variety of ways, and for some, moving on can take a while. Being upfront about talking to or seeing an ex-partner can be very healthy for a new relationship, and if someone is honest about a need for closure of some description, it's important to deal with that in a mature and adult manner. Unleashing jealousy is never the best course of action.
However, people are complex, and it can be difficult to tell the difference between someone who is managing their emotions regarding their ex and someone whose ex is playing an unhealthy role in their life.
Fortunately, there are a few indicators that can help:
The Ex Factor
People talk about what's on their mind. If the ex comes up frequently, particularly why they broke up and what went wrong, you can be certain the person you're with is far from over their previous relationship.
Favour banking
Helping to choose gifts. Pet-sitting. Taxi service. It's nice to be nice, and there's no reason why former partners can't be on good terms, but there's a limit. Being an ex's right-hand is beyond that limit.
Arm Candy
Accepting an invitation from an ex to be their plus one at a wedding, or a business dinner, or some other event is a major warning sign. It's a strong indicator that neither person from that past relationship has fully moved on.
Happy families
If the person you're with regularly sees their ex's family, perhaps for summer BBQs or Sunday dinners or Christmas lunch, that's a sign of a healthy breakup … right? Maybe. If you are invited. Otherwise, someone spending this kind of quality time with the family of an ex is a sure sign that they're not fully invested in a new relationship.
Mementos
The first thing someone does after a breakup is ditch reminders of their ex. Unless they're not yet over that person. Photographs, clothing or other keepsakes are signs that someone is clinging to memories of a past relationship.
Friends Forever
Former partners becoming best friends is not impossible, but that doesn't mean this type of situation shouldn't be treated with a note of caution: some people find it difficult to let go of an ex, so they find another 'role' for the ex to keep the ex in their life.
Judgement
If you find yourself being compared to an ex, and you come off second best, beware.
Old hangouts
Like they said in Cheers, sometimes you want to go where everybody knows your name. But is it healthy to go regularly to bars and restaurants frequented by an ex? This may not be a healthy sign, especially if the underlying motive is to remember the good old days or a wish to bump into the ex.
If you recognise any of those indicators, it may be that your new relationship will run into significant problems. These three steps may help:
Speak with the person you're with. Create a 'safe to say' and caring environment and ask them to explain what's going on for them. Make sure you understand their situation completely. Do not get angry or excited; be attentive, allow them to finish their sentences and listen carefully. Ask constructive questions and most importantly, ensure they feel understood.
Describe things from your point of view and explain how it makes you feel. Be clear and be open.
Agree acceptable parameters of interaction between them and their ex. Be honest if you feel that this should include zero contact.
In addition to love and connection, respect and understanding are necessary for a lasting relationship. And part of that respect should be ensuring the spectre of a past relationship doesn't cast a shadow over the present. And the future.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Manj Weerasekera is an expert in personal communication and a Life Skills Mentor to high net worth individuals (including some honoured by her Majesty the Queen). He specialises in working with people after divorce or the break-up of a long term relationship, helping them find a lasting, loving relationship.
Manj has a world-class skills set that includes Humanistic Neuro-Linguistic Psychology, Performance Mindset Conditioning and the Psychology of Attention. He has worked with the House of Lords, co-produced a series of BBC audio books, and is author of 'The Divorced Man's Guide to Finding Mrs. Right: The 5 Deadly Mistakes Divorced Men Make & How to Avoid Them' and 'The Merlin Approach™'.
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