Marissa Peer
We talk to Marisa Peer who discusses her role as a therapist and the power of talking to an impartial person about your relationship worries.
Why do people find it beneficial to write into therapists, agony aunts and experts rather than talking to someone at home?
If you talk to a friend about your problem, the normal friend to friend communication would go something like "ya I had that problem" so friends will share your problem by also discussing theirs and so they're not equipped to give you the actual advice you need. Whereas an agony aunt/expert is more objective, is listening to you, and working out how to help you without needing to share her experiences of the same or similar problem.
Is there any betrayal to your partner in finding an outside source to seek help?
No there's no betrayal because the people who write in are somewhat anonymous if they choose to be. Their identities are frequently changed to preserve their anonymity and the advice given will usually benefit the relationship. Every relationship can benefit from outside help as the outsider can see things differently, point you in the right direction and won't have an agenda, whereas a friend or family member is bound to take sides.
What is the most common relationship problem you are faced with from clients?
The most common is women want to know if they should stay with a partner who has cheated on them. The second most common problem is when one partner doesn't have the same sex drive as the other or losing interest in sex when the other partner has maintained theirs (this applies to men almost as much as women). The things people fight over the most are money followed by division of chores and responsibilities.
What is the most unusual questions you have ever been asked about a relationship?
A girl asked me if she should try to get with her brother's boyfriend. I told her that she should really be asking herself why she has such low self-esteem that she would need to entice her brothers boyfriend away from him and to her. Even if she succeeded, the likelihood of that relationship working out was zero, as he's gay and she isn't a man. She would get a very temporary boost to her confidence in the sense that she could seduce a gay man, followed by a huge confidence drop when he goes back to his preference of men. Her family are then conflicted and torn apart by what she's done.
What are the key attributes that one needs to work as a relationship expert?
An open mind, an ability not to be shocked or to be judgmental. You also need empathy and to be a quick thinker and it's also very useful to deliver your answers in a non-preachy, sometimes light hearted and fun way because the readers prefer this and can relate to it. I’m quite different in that my research is more up to date and my answers are always very honest but never harsh.
To what extent should you refer on clients if it is not your area of expertise?
If clients are always fighting about money, I might refer them to a debt counsellor, but I would still give them advice on how to resolve conflict in their relationship.
There is a segment on your blog about answering a woman’s most awkward questions, so why do women feel it appropriate to ask such questions?
Women need advice and sometimes they're too embarrassed to ask people they know, so they prefer to ask someone like me how to perform oral sex, for example, or if their genitalia is the right shape or if it's normal to leak a little when they orgasm. They're always looking for reassurance which I'm happy to give them.
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