Brandon Wade is the founder of OpenMinded- the largest dating site for polyamorous relationships. We caught up with him to ask him about the appeal of such a commitment and what his advice is for those who are considering it.
Relationships on Female First
What is a polyamorous relationship for those who are unsure?
Many unfamiliar people often mistake polyamory for an open relationship, but I assure you that both are different. The word polyamory itself means multiple loves. Being polyamorous means having multiple relationships-there isn't a central relationship or partner as is seen in open relationships, and some varying levels of commitment can exist. There are also different configurations, where individuals can be involved in different relationships, while others are more interconnected with one of their partners having a relationship with someone else in the constellation or all of them being involved. It can be quite complex.
Why are they more popular now than ever before?
We are living in an age of discovery, where many people are finding out that conventional relationships are not the be all and end all. I would argue that people are born non-monogamous or polyamorous (much like someone is born gay) and discover that having the capacity to love more than one does not make pre-dispositioned to adultery or that there is something inherently wrong with them. As more people learn and understand polyamory, some discover that their make-up innately draws them to these types of relationships.
Why should we all be more accepting of this lifestyle?
Everyone should be able to express and practice love. Sometimes society can be closed off when confronted with lifestyles that oppose the "status quo," and that's how we end up discussing why people should be accepting, when in it's a right to love.
Polyamory does not pose a threat to conventional relationships-or any other relationship construct for that matter.
We launched the #AcceptLove campaign last year as an initiative to gain acceptance for polyamorous individuals and those that engage in such relationships. AcceptLove is a campaign that aims to gain acceptance for individuals who choose open and polyamorous relationships. OpenMinded is pioneering this movement to allow people to pursue these types of relationships freely. Judgement and stigma are among the main culprits that destroy individual identity, and create unsafe environments. When people are able to exercise their preferences openly, it improves overall quality of life and allows society as a whole to progress.
How do you know if you are ready for this type of relationship if you're already dating someone?
If you aren't currently polyamorous or have never experienced it, then the first step is to find out if that is exactly what you are. Read up on it and speak to those who are already involved in such relationships to learn more.
There's a difference between wanting to open up your relationship and being polyamorous. If you plan to keep the current relationship and just allow both or one of the people involved to engage in non-committal fun, then that's an open relationship and not polyamory. When we speak about polyamory, then we are talking about different relationships, rather than flings.
What are your top tips for bringing it up with your existing partner?
- Do your research and know if that is exactly what you are.
- Be open minded and listen to what your partner is feeling during the conversation.
- Be prepared to potentially lose that relationship. If your partner is not polyamorous or does not want to be in an open relationship, you cannot force them to be so.
- Whether you engage in an open relationship or discover you are polyamorous, and want to maintain the relationship with an existing partner, try to keep an open dialogue so that your partner feels included as you explore this new chapter.
- Be completely transparent with your partner.
What are the pros and cons of such a relationship?
Every relationship is different as to the pros and cons. Some basic positives are:
-Feeling more fulfilled. It's hard to get everything you need and want in a relationship out of one partner.
-A general increase in openness within your relationships. Many newly polyamorous individuals I've spoken to have expressed how they feel more empowered to speak about their passions, interests, etc. with multiple partners.
-Feeling more connected.
-Less issues with jealousy.
Why is there such a stigma surrounding this type of relationship?
It's been stigmatized as a sexual kink or simply "experimenting," because there is not enough information out there about being polyamorous. Many people assume it's a choice and that it's driven by selfishness, when it's the complete opposite.
Then, of course, you have those who see it as a threat to the "sanctity of marriage" for fear that eventually poly people will push for equal right to marry, much we've done with gay and lesbian marriage. First of all, marriage was invented as a way to guarantee security (financially, paternity, etc.) for those involved. Only in this century have more people started marrying for love. Why should poly individuals be stripped of that right?
Since you founded OpenMinded have you had any people approach you in opposition of what you're doing?
Quite the opposite actually. I've had many members of the poly community approach me to discuss the lifestyle and to provide their feedback for the site. It's important for me to involve members of the community to make sure that our platform continues to serve their needs according to the dynamics of poly and open relationships.
What is next for you and OpenMinded?
We launched a free version option on OpenMinded.com to allow free communication among all members, as well as added some extra features. We will be making other improvements to the site, including a more social interface. And then there is #AcceptLove, which we plan to take a step further to fight for the rights of the poly community.