Sam Owen
Last week we brought you the Zoosk 'Communication in the Modern Day' Clinic, a chance for you to get advice from expert Sam Owen. We had loads a questions for Sam, and now she's provided her expert opinion to help all who needed her advice.
1. Myself and my boyfriend have been together for 5 years but recently he had to move to New York for his work, how can we keep the passion alive despite being so far apart?
Hello Jen. This does sound like a tough transition for you. I would say that it’s best to have regular communication to keep the mental spark alive, and couple that with asking how each other’s day has been – make sure you both take an active interest in each other’s lives despite not being there to see all of it. You could also send him some updated pictures of yourself or even some of your perfume laden clothing in the post. Beware of other people getting a hold of your items through the post or over the internet, though!
The trick is to keep contact over the phone, Skype, email or text regularly and mix it up over various channels in order to keep him guessing. Always talk about the next time you’re going to meet up and you can both have something to look forward to. Most of all just use your imagination and be confident in your online romance.
2. I've been seeing this guy for a few weeks now, we're not official, but he rarely texts me and when he does it's always really blunt one word answers. It's odd because he's really enthusiastic when we see each other in person. Is he really into me?
Hello Klara, it’s understandable that you’re questioning his feelings for you because it’s still a new relationship.
It’s really important to judge your relationship based on how you interact face-to-face rather than through electronic forms. People are so different when it comes to how they perceive technology and how they use it, and there can be so many reasons a person might be blunt on text messages. One reason might be that they just don’t like using them so keep the word count to an absolute minimum... like one word answers. Take your signals from how you interact together verbally and non-verbally, face-to-face or over the phone, rather than how you both communicate in written form. Also, just ask him why he tends to give such short answers on text messages. You might discover that there is nothing to worry about.
3. Hiya- I go on a lot of dating sites and meet so many guys. Can you give me some tips on how I can suss them out in the beginning? How do I know they are nice and suit me when I am only messaging them via a computer? Also...what if he thinks I am ugly in real life.
Hello Jamie, it’s great that you’re meeting lots of eligible bachelors online. By asking the right questions you can eliminate some of them easily and focus on the remaining ones.
Work out what sort of values you want the person to share with you. Opposites do attract but you still want to have similar morals and values, and some similar personality traits, if you’re looking for a long-term, successful relationship. Once you know what you’re looking for, ask them questions that help you to elicit the answers, albeit it in a somewhat subtle way, or tell them a story and gage their response.
You won’t know what someone is truly like if all you ever do is communicate with them via words sent over the internet. Try having telephone or Skype conversations with them, too. You could get a cheap pay-as-you-go mobile phone purely for this purpose. That way you can still suss them out from afar and from the safety of your own home and then decide if you think it’s worth meeting them in real life.
If he thinks you’re “ugly” in real life then he’s not the one for you. People can become attracted to people after they’ve fallen for their personality but rarely do people find someone they deem “ugly” as suddenly attractive enough to date, those people might just become your good friends instead.
4. I've been seeing my boyfriend for four months now and we're obviously friends on Facebook. I want us to be officially in a 'relationship' on our profiles (mainly because he has lots of exes as friends on there) but he refuses to do it - saying it's too much. But he used to be in a relationship on Facebook with his exes so he can't have changed his mind completely? Is he trying to keep me a secret from someone?
Hello L-J, I know it can feel tough for people to date in this era of relationship status updates on Facebook.
It is possible he is trying to hide your relationship but it’s also very possible that he has learnt that it is stressful to have to explain his personal life to loads of Facebook friends and “friends”, answering questions about his new relationship and then possibly having to answer more if you break up. For all you know, he may believe your relationship has a lot of potential and by not adding the information to Facebook he might be treading carefully so as to help nurture the relationship slowly than cause any unnecessary problems. Before Facebook, we didn’t have to proclaim our personal life to all, and now, you still have that choice; some people exercise that choice as standard and some after having negative experiences on social media.
All relationships need open, healthy communication in order to be successful. Ask him why he has hesitated to update his relationship status when historically he has behaved differently.
5. Hello. My name is Lotte. I have been sort of going out with a guy for a month and a half. We have only met once because we Skype and chat on instant messenger via Facebook and other social networks. I would rather just meet him in person more. Shall I just not go on the social network and see if they ask me to actually go out? Am I being silly... is this how it is meant to be at the beginning of a relationship?
Hello Lotte, how a relationship should develop in this high-tech era can seem quite confusing. Rapport or the beginnings of a relationship can be started online, but it can only be truly developed offline. If you want to build an actual relationship with him, then you will have to meet face-to-face more; that way you’ll both work out much sooner whether you want a serious relationship a causal relationship, a temporary fling, a friendship or no relationship of any sort.
You could try playing the game of “let’s see how bothered he is about seeing me” but the danger is that he may misread your eagerness to date him properly for you no longer being bothered to go onto these social online sites to see him. Ask him to meet up more often than you currently are and if he can’t be bothered then he’s not interested in developing your relationship into anything bigger. At least you’ll know where you stand then, and can move on if you want more.
6. Hey, I've just started seeing this guy and he rarely texts me or phones me, saying he just doesn't really like texting or calling but it's getting to the point where he never texts me back or calls me. I can't see him often because we go to different unis, what can I do to get him to keep in touch regularly?
Hello Hannah, it can be frustrating when you want more contact with someone you fancy.
Many people don’t like speaking on the phone or texting, it’s nothing against the people in their lives, but it does mean they have to be more willing to meet up face-to-face with those they want to build relationships with or use Skype video calls so that it is more akin to face-to-face meet-ups where meeting in the flesh is not often possible. If he makes the effort to call or text others but doesn’t with you, then it’s a sign he’s not that bothered about your relationship. (At the start of a relationship is when people make the most effort.) If, however, he treats you as he does the other important people in his life, then you simply need to ask him to use Skype more or speak on the phone or text more.
If you want to see where the relationship is headed, then you’ll have to accept that he doesn’t currently like talking on the phone or texting, remind him every so often that it’s important to you to speak over the phone for the relationship to remain intact, and see if you can get him to slowly change his habit slightly in order to meet you half-way. Ring him a bit more than you do so that you can get him used to chatting over the phone with you. People do change their habits over time if they want to or need to.
7. What are the benefits of meeting people online? Everyone seems to be doing it!
Hello Andrea, this is a growing trend now and not a bad one.
Meeting people online can be a great way to find a potential mate as it allows you to cast your “fishing net” farther and it is great for people who are busy, shy, unable to get babysitters, or unable to travel a distance easily. It’s also a very accessible way for people to ease themselves back into the dating scene after a marriage or relationship breakup (especially if it’s been a long time since they first dated that ex-partner) or if they’ve been single for a long time.
8. I met my boyfriend online and I thought he was really nice at first. We chatted online for months and then when we finally met he was not really the same as when we were instant messaging. Is there anything to look out for when communicating online?
Hello Susie, that sounds pretty deflating but the good news is that by tweaking your approach in the future you will get better results.
Meeting someone online and chatting on instant messenger is nothing like meeting someone face-to-face, you don’t get a tone of voice or any non-verbal communication and so you really aren’t able to get to know someone for who they really are. It’s incredibly easy to misconstrue what people are saying when it is in a written format and you have very few cues as to the sincerity of a person when they are communicating online.
Look out for inconsistencies in what they are saying, that will help you to glean how genuine they are as a person. Also, try to speak on the phone or via Skype if you are not going to meet up with them yet so that you can get to know more about the real them. Chatting online can be a lot of fun because the relationship fantasies are largely taking place in the confines of your own mind and you can create whatever you want. However, the danger is also that the relationship is largely taking place in your mind and is not what’s really happening and they are perhaps not who you have conjured them up to be. If you are using online dating.
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