After a divorce, many people can be left feeling very isolated, which for many of us means it’s even more of a challenge to make those important future decisions. The despair and overwhelming emotions that you feel have been compared to those after the death of a loved one.

Relationships on Female First

Relationships on Female First

With January known for the highest divorce ratings compared to the rest of the year, we had a chat with divorce coach, Sara Davison about divorce coaching, the advice she offers and how a divorce coach can help.

Sara Davison is an expert business, life and divorce coach who has over 16 years’ experience in the industry, she is highly skilled in helping people to cope with the emotional stress and trauma of a divorce.

Sara has trained in NLP (Neuro-linguistic programming) with the likes of Richard Bandler and Paul McKenna. She has helped many people to cope and deal with their divorces some of which she has kindly shared with us:

In your experience what is the most common cause of divorce?

I think it’s lack of common values; the couples both want different things from life and they’ve got different beliefs on how they should live their life. Our culture is very different these days to what it was in the 19th century when death was probably the most common end of marriage. Now it’s a highly disposable culture where if you’re not happy with something, you can change it instantly. If you’re not happy, you move on. Culture and society have changed and there have been a lot of high profile celebrity divorces that haven’t lasted very long. People might think that it doesn’t necessarily have to be forever and are therefore less committed. More often, I think it comes down to lack of common values.

What is a divorce coach?

I don’t think there are many of us around but for me, it’s being a guide for someone through their divorce. Divorce is an emotional rollercoaster. I’m not a therapist, I don’t give legal advice and I don’t give financial advice. It’s all very practical advice, taking positive action and making a person feel better and supporting them throughout.  A divorce coach is a more cost effective way to deal with emotions than lawyers who aren’t necessarily qualified for it. Although some of them are very good at it, it gives you another option to talk to somebody who understands. They’ve been there, they don’t charge you lawyer’s fees and they’re on hand. Divorce coaches can’t take away the pain but can make it easier. I can arm you with a toolkit of resources, strategies, tips and techniques that you can use any time to make yourself feel better or help yourself move forward. Otherwise it would seem very dark and that there is no light and the end of the tunnel.

What does your programme consist of and what is your aim?

I created a programme looking at what worked for me, what I tried and tested, so I know from personal experience that it works because I’ve done it myself. It’s very much how to cope with divorce and what to expect from the divorce process. How to deal with the emotional side, how to move forward, looking at what the journey holds ahead, practical advice if you’ve got children and how to deal with that situation. My techniques and strategies are all about giving strength and being strong when you need to be. I don’t want someone to fall apart because they might have a job or kids; where they have to be strong. It’s about giving them strength, giving them techniques and strategies and when they can deal with their emotions appropriately. People do experience the ‘grieving’ process and I have a 5-step process to take people through, on how to face emotions. It covers a whole range of things - going on holiday on your own for the first time, going on holiday with your child on your own.

Is there anything in particular that you feel you learnt from your own divorce that you pass on to clients?

There are quite a few things. The one that is important to me is that you have to separate the emotions from the legal process because if you have an emotional legal divorce it can be very expensive and extremely stressful. So it’s about taking time to respond and not reacting in the moment. Don’t be afraid to ‘feel’, to experience your emotions because that’s all part of the healing process. A lot of people, especially in this day in age and this culture suppress emotions. They might keep themselves super busy at work, they might start exercising, drinking or smoking or something else to distract themselves rather than sitting and actually feeling. You can become quite co-dependent on your partner and you can lose your own identity. Whether it’s just a normal breakup or a marital breakup there’s still a feeling that you have lost your individuality in a relationship because you’re the carer, you’re looking after someone and you’re trying to please them. Maybe you’ve got kids so you’ve got to become mum, dad, wife and husband so there’s very little time to be spent on just being you. When that family set up is gone, a lot of people feel lonely and frightened because they don’t know who they really are and they’re struggling. It’s about stripping back the co-dependence, working out who you are, what your core values are, what you enjoy doing. Then together, we can rebuild your future and create a life that you would be excited to live because you know who you are. We build on your confidence because you’re sure that this is who you are and what you want to be or do and get your self-esteem back up.

What is a key piece of advice that you would offer people who are at the beginning stages of a divorce and finding it difficult to come to terms with or deal with?

I’d say take it one day at a time, I think the temptation at the beginning is that there is such a strong feeling of being overwhelmed. You’re standing at the bottom of a huge mountain looking up to the top thinking ‘wow I’ve got to get all the way up there’. That is very difficult to do. Get a good divorce support team around you; that’s also really important even if you don’t use them all the time. You need to have good legal advice so that if you need it you’ve got someone to speak to, financial advice, a good therapist, a good coach. Make sure you are around people who make you feel better about yourself. Planning your day so you’re kept busy, you don’t want to stay in bed all day. Understand that it’s okay to cry, it’s part of the healing process – not all the time but showing emotion is okay, it’s not a bad thing. Don’t try to answer all the questions in your head at one time. Some questions you are never going to be able to answer and try and avoid spending time on. Questions like ‘what’s wrong with me?’ or ‘what did I do wrong?’ and instead focus more on questions like ‘what can I do right now to help me through this?’.

Unlike counsellors or therapists who don’t specialise in divorce or haven’t been through it themselves, Sara is unique and has a first-hand experience. When speaking to her you know that she understands you 100 per cent. Her tailored programmes offer a variety of strategies and techniques to help every individual cope with their divorce as well as offering emotional support whenever they need it.

For more information about Sara and her coaching programme visit www.saradavison.com

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