Fantasies Are Natural
In this interview with Dr Pam Spurr, sex and relationship expert and author of Sex Academy, you can finally learn how to actually carry out those fantasies you’ve kept locked away!
What do you think the attraction to fantasies is and do you think it makes for a healthy sex life?
“It definitely makes for a healthy sex life, in all of my books I’ve encouraged people to experiment with their fantasies. The thing is, it’s such an easy way to escape bedroom boredom and even with the best will in the world so many couples find that things are getting stale and often ask how they can spice things up without necessarily swinging from the chandeliers. It’s such an easy way to go about starting something fresh in your sex play.”
For those who are quite shy but do want to try it out, how would you suggest they go about that?
“Well it’s important to remember that it is a healthy thing to fantasise, so someone who is very shy and inhibited may often think ‘oh my gosh, there’s something wrong with me, does this mean I have a dirty mind?’ so the very first starting point is to think that this is healthy. Ninety nine per cent of human beings fantasise about things and that’s because our minds are so creative, the human brain is so powerful when it comes to imagery like that. The starting point is to reassure yourself that there is absolutely nothing wrong with fantasising.
“The way to introduce it with your partner is just to kick start it gently. During foreplay, or when you’re cuddling, you can always saying something like ‘Oh imagine if we were doing this on a beach and someone overlooks us and we just continue caressing each other’ and then you ask your partner would they like that. So you can just introduce it during foreplay in an innocent way and that would start you talking about what you’d get up to in the hotel room on that wonderfully tropical holiday and the maid knocking on the door and you almost getting caught. It can go as far as you want it to go.”
If your partner had reservations about it, which they had expressed, how would you approach that situation?
“Well it’s very easy to tell if someone does have reservations because they will simply never chat about fantasy to you. The starting point is to think about the fact that you would never start chatting to them about a fantasy that you’re always having about Rob Pattinson or whoever, you never put in your favourite movie star because that would be very threatening towards them. Instead start gently and do it in a very light hearted way by saying something like ‘when you touch me like that, it always makes me think how fun it would be if we were cuddled up on an airplane and you could touch me just like that under the blanket’. That then makes them feel it’s okay to talk about something like that and you’ll give each other confidence with it.”
Is there such a thing as too much fantasy?
“There’s definitely such a thing as too much fantasy if you find that you can only get turned on when doing the fantasy chat. We all have varying degrees of how much we fantasise within sex ourselves, but if it gets to the point where you and your partner can only get off if you’re doing some really raunchy fantasy chat and it becomes and obsession then you might start to feel that you’re not enough, that the fantasy always has to take over. It can make you both feel quite insecure so it’s about finding the balance, like with any sex technique.”
How do you dial it down if it does become too much?
“If you want to dial it back then you have to be honest. The key to any good sex life is communication and having that confidence to communicate honestly. Take that conversation out of the bedroom so that it doesn’t become a place that you discuss your issues, instead you’re chilling out with time to chat and let you partner know it has been on your mind and ask for their opinion. When discussing anything, if you use a confident tone then it shows that you believe that this issue isn’t too big for you to handle.”
Tips
- It doesn’t have to involve costumes! Fantasy doesn’t mean you have to dress up and play ‘the naughty neighbour’.
- Fantasies can take the form of a role play such as detective/criminal and doctor/nurses which don’t have to involve costumes.
- Always gage how your partner is feeling about the situation. Their body language will tell you.
- One person’s fantasy is another person’s nightmare so if you can tell they don’t like it, backtrack and ask them to show you what they like.
- Take it slow with a new partner. Those who already like to play with sex toys will probably be into it but if they never mention their fantasies then go slow.
- Watch your language. Some words can be a real turn off to your partner, so find the boundaries don’t plunge in with the dirtiest remark you can think of.
- Never put a real person into your fantasy chat, it will undermine and hurt your partner. Brothers/sisters/best friends/bosses are off-limits.
For more information about fantasies and many other things, go to drpam.co.uk and follow Dr Pam on twitter @drpamspurr.
Buy Dr Pam's book Sex Academy: Essential lessons in seduction and spectacular sex, NOW! Click here to purchase.
Cara Mason @FemaleFirst_UK
tagged in Fifty Shades Of Grey