By Professor Geoff Beattie at Edge Hill University
Relationships on Female First
There is a good deal of psychological research which demonstrates that the key to a successful relationship is both the patterns and the structure of the communication within it. Some very simple things seem to be very important. For example, couples who spend 20 minutes when they return home from work each day, just catching up on the events of the day as experienced by each partner, tend to be happier and more contented. This is an opportunity to share experiences and emotions. These relationships tend to be more rewarding and last longer than those of couples who do not invest time in this way.
But there is one major new threat to communication within relationships: the excessive use of personal devices, mobiles, tablets, computers and games consoles. How many times have you been out for dinner and seen a couple in a restaurant concentrating on their phones instead of talking to each other? How many arguments have occurred because a person was too busy gaming to listen to their partner? How many conversations have been lost due to excessive screen time? Electric Jukebox has today launched ROXI, a home entertainment system, to help solve this issue, helping couples to share their tech and bring them back together with the joy of music.
People are spending more and more time in isolation away from their loved ones, as they are too focused on their screens. Personal devices are a way of life now, with everyone having a phone, computer, tablet, and gaming device. We have developed so many ways to consume social and gaming media, that it’s overtaken the amount of time we spend interacting with one another.
There are now fewer points of communal reference, less to reminisce about, fewer shared experiences and memories. There’s less time spent developing relationships, understanding one another, trying to work out our partner’s true feelings, anxieties and hopes for the future.
We also know from psychology that being able to talk about any negative events in the day, has a very significant effect on both physical and psychological wellbeing. But with the increase in time spent on personal devices, this impacts on the amount of time spent in talking and sharing experiences, both positive and negative. Less sharing of good times, and less time to get things off your chest.
John Gottman has demonstrated in his classic research that relationships which last have specific communicational patterns. For example, they typically allow for any criticism within the relationship to be acknowledged, discussed and responded to. There are also several communicational patterns which unfortunately predict that a romantic relationship will not last. These include stonewalling, where any criticism is not acknowledged or dealt with. We now have the scenario where not just children but also adults retreat to personal devices, and the ubiquitous social media, as a way of dealing with any negative comments within the relationship. This is stonewalling of a different sort.
Of course, our virtual friends on Facebook and other social media often provide the immediate affirmation we need through their likes on our posts; it is all too easy to elicit this type of ‘positive’ response. Real relationships both romantic, and familial, take time and effort, and the excessive use of personal tech may well be interfering with the investment required.
It was recognition of this social and interactional issue that led Rob Lewis, the CEO of Electric Jukebox, to introduce ROXI, a shared music experience for all the family which includes music streaming, karaoke, radio and music quizzes but critically which allows partners, friends and family to share these experiences. It starts from the very basic assumption that the digital revolution doesn’t necessarily have to drive couples apart, it can in fact bring them together.
Perhaps, it is important to remember that in the future, our memories of our romantic relationships and of our families, will be based on the things and times we shared together, not on our lonely and isolating experiences with our mobiles and tablets with our headphones on, and with everyone else firmly excluded.
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