Gemma Collins feels like a "trapped prisoner" when 'The Only Way Is Essex' films abroad.
The 36-year-old reality star has battled with fluctuating weight for years and she admits her size 20 frame causes her "anxiety" so she hates the pressure of having to sit out and sunbathe or shoot scenes by the pool when the programme goes on location.
She told Closer magazine: "I do get anxiety over my weight.
"When we film abroad it's a nightmare for me. You never see me sitting around the pool and I do miss out on a lot of fun.
"I request a room with a balcony so I can sunbathe in private. If I go to the pool I have an awful feeling I'm being stared at.
"I feel like a trapped prisoner and I don't feel free to enjoy myself."
Gemma is currently single and feels there is a "huge part" of her life "missing" because she's desperate to settle down and have kids, but thinks her weight is holding her back.
She explained: "In five years' time I ideally want to be walking down a lovely beach in Barbados, being a perfect size 14, with my gorgeous husband and three kids.
"I'm at an age now where that's all I want. There's a huge part of my life missing - if I fell in love with a partner and had a baby, that would be the dream for me.
"But it's so hard - if someone asks me on a date, I'll go - but when it doesn't work out I always get so deflated and think, 'Why do I put myself through this?'
"If I lost weight, I'd be more at ease with myself. I o think, 'Have I not got a boyfriend because I'm overweight?'
"I think if I was slimmer, I'd go on more dates and be more secure in myself."
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