Jeremy McConnell is "surprised" he's still alive.
Jeremy McConnell
The Irish model checked into rehab earlier this year and admitted his partying got so out of control last year, he completely "lost track" of himself and feels lucky not to have killed himself with drinking and drug abuse.
He said: "The stuff I've seen, the stuff I've done... I'm surprised I'm not dead with the way I've partied.
"Last summer while Stephanie was pregnant, I was getting thousands of pounds to go partying, I was on a footballer's wage.
"Week in, week out, I was getting paid £5,000 a night for nightclub PAs - and sometimes I was doing two or three a week.
"I remember blowing my nose in a €100 note and just throwing it on the ground.
"My ego was out of control - I didn't save a penny of that money. My mind and my life was polluted. I lost track of myself."
Jeremy - who has five-month-old son Caben-Albi with on/off girlfriend Stephanie Davis - decided to seek help after his dad's sudden death in March made him realise he still hadn't dealt with the loss of his mother, brother and sister when he was a teenager.
He told The Sun Online: "I found out the Caben situation, I was obviously delighted, but then my dad passed, my aunty passed a few days after, then I had trouble with Steph...
"I had tried to move my life over to Liverpool, but then I had to come back as my dad's dead.
"I was sitting in my room and having déjà vu, not processing the deaths, not grieving.
"I'm still grieving my mum, brother and sister to be honest. I put on this happy front but deep down I'm a hurt boy who hasn't processed any of the deaths and I've lost my family.
"Suddenly I thought 'I'm going to crack'. I knew it was time, before Caben can remember and grow to see his dad like this.
"I knew 'I have to do something about this, I have to go in'."
The 'Celebrity Big Brother' star is now hoping to overhaul his image and turn his back on his wild ways for good.
He said: "My dad used to say to me, 'where there's drink there's trouble. You might have a good night, but there is a bad one waiting around the corner'.
"Alcohol just doesn't agree with me, I don't need it. My personality and charisma without it are good.
"All I want to do is be a family man and provide for my family, and leave that party boy behind.
"I want to be a father figure, and be a dad. With Caben, my mother, my brother, my sister, my dad, they're all living through him. "That's my bloodline. That's Caben. I grew up in a broken home, I don't want that for my son."
However, the 27-year-old hunk relapsed two weeks ago after a row with Stephanie but insists he is still "working hard" to change.
He said: "It was totally my fault and there are no excuses for what I did. I relapsed.
"When I pick up a drink or put up a tweet it's self-sabotage, it's self-harming.
"When I sense fear I tend to strike out instead of being able to deal with things.
"I'm very insecure. I'm scared of people leaving me. If I felt like Steph was going to leave me I would do something out of anger, like in the past.
"There's no excuse, but a lot of my behaviour is irrational and I am working hard to change that."
Tagged in Stephanie Davis