AnOn asks :
One of my best friends has been dating a guy she works with for about 5 months now. Just before she started seeing him she had just gotten out of and engagement with a boyfriend of 5 years.
At the start of their relationship he was very hot and cold with her, telling her wasn't ready and then all over her the next. He's settled down now but they have already booked a holiday together which he has changed and rebooked 3 times now.
I have only met him twice. Once on New Years Eve where he disappeared for most of the night in a club. The other was the other day at her father’s funeral.
Where myself and another close friend were being respectful talking to her family for the day that was in it, he had this very relaxed, casual attitude towards everything. He made snide comments to my other friend as he knows she doesn't like him. He was being extremely bossy and demanding towards his girlfriend and even commented on her working below him, while he makes more money than her.
The peak of it was when he turned to her and said ' so I guess you're an orphan now?'. I thought this was completely out of order but she just brushed it off.
I'm not sure if it was that her father had just died that she wasn't realising how inappropriate he was being or if she is normally this passive around him but it's so unlike her. She normally hates people who are like that and will tell them so!
These are just a few examples of what he did that day but what freaked me out the most was when I said goodbye and he hugged me, which I didn't mind, but then he sniffed my hair and told me I smelt great. Apparently he also did this to my other friend!
She doesn't know about this because she is still mourning her father and we didn't think it would be appropriate to bring it up now.
We both feel uneasy around him and have bad feelings about their relationship. She's aware of our feelings about him from talking to her before that day but now I'm worried that because of her father’s death she will rely on him more and that he might take advantage of that. She says she loves him and I want her to be happy but this guy is not good for her.
I am one of at least 4 other friends who think this but she won't hear it. Also since dating him it's getting harder and harder to get in contact with her. What do I do? Do I just let her be and be there for her if and/or when it all goes wrong or try other ways of trying to make her see how he's not right for her. I don't want to lose my friend.
Not surprisingly, this is a real dilemma for you and almost an impossible situation. If you keep quiet or speak out, either way, you stand to lose your best friend. The worst-case scenario is that you lose her and she also loses sense.
Women all over the world, all throughout history, have faced similar predicaments and it’s safe to say that it’s rare for one loved-up woman to dump her man because her friend disapproves. History suggests you would be better to stick by her and if, as you suspect, he is wrong for her, at some point it will become apparent and so she’ll need you there for her.
At the moment, her thought process is likely to be irrational and she might well depend more on him because she’s grieving. Best option? Just shower her with love yourself, don’t give her any reason to distance herself from you, and keep telling her you’re there for her.
If you start to see a deterioration in her happiness, give her opportunities and the time and space to tell you - but don’t tell her she’s with the wrong guy. Essentially, it is her decision and she’s a grown-up woman.
Just be there. It’s all you can really do. If she ever asks you about him, about your opinions, you can casually tell her that he has done some weird things and said things that made you feel uncomfortable - but keep it as ‘you have felt uncomfortable’, because she can’t deny how he’s made ‘you’ feel.
There’s no decision here - you don’t just have a hunch. You have evidence, not only from just you, but from another friend, too, that this guy is a sleaze. He is kidding her, taking advantage of her vulnerable emotional state and he’s putting her down.
There is safety in numbers - get together with the mutual friend you have, make a note of the things that rang alarm bells for you both, and approach her together. Make sure she knows you’re not ditching her or disapproving but that you both just feel she ought to know what it looks like from the outside and that you’ll leave it to her and will carry on as normal if she feels happier staying with him.
But don’t hold back in how appalling his behaviour has been during this period. Ask her what she’s actually getting out of the relationship? What it is she actually likes, or loves, about him? Can she put a finger on it or is he just a crutch?
The safest way forward is to pose questions, tell her you’re not judging her, and even look for the positives in him so that it doesn’t look like a full-on assault. It’s just you, looking out for your friend. If she’s struggling with the death of her father, have some counselling/grieving support suggestions up your sleeve, too.
Even read up on how she might be feeling or what she might be needing before you go to talk to her. If it all goes badly, just give her a chance to come out of it without having her pride damaged. But the last thing she needs is someone taking advantage of her, even if it takes her best friend to potentially have an argument with her.
Be prepared, someone in her position is bound to lash out at those she feels safest with. That could be you.
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