Charlotte asks :
Basically, my boyfriend of 10 months is hot and cold all the time. I fell for him really hard and quick but he didn't do the same. I try not to show how into him I am but that leaves me feeling crap.
One minute he'll say the nicest things, take me out on thoughtful dates and seem like he really likes me (ie: dedicating a song to me at a gig because he's in a band) then bam, he'll want to call the relationship off, he'll say he's not as into me as he feels he should be in comparison to other couples.
I'll agree and then he'll want to get back together again. He's confused and its confusing me, but more importantly really hurting me. I can't concentrate on anything, its affecting work, my self-esteem, my appearance.
Everything I do, feel like I link back to him, when I go out clubbing I do it to make him see I'm having fun. It sounds crazy but even when I walk down the street I half expect his car to drive past me constantly and it’s all driving me mad. What do I do?
A volatile musician, hey. You aren’t the first to put up with this kind of temperament and you won’t be the last - as long as there are guys, girls and bands! You’re already half way to getting over this though, because you’ve identified that you are going out in order to prove something to him - not because you necessarily want to be in a certain place. It’s natural to think you’re gong to see his car just because he is on your mind all of the time. You need to take steps to get him out of your mind.
Stop going to the places you know he’ll be, for a start. Secondly, tell him you need some space from him because his attitude towards you is making you feel crap. Let him know you aren’t just something he can pick up and put down when it suits him - like a toy.
He’s clearly got an inflated idea of his own worth and attractiveness and probably gets a kick from performing to a crowd. Is he famous? Is he close to that record deal? Don’t be drawn in by one of millions of guys around the world who, if they didn’t have a guitar or drum kit, wouldn’t even seem as appealing as Mr Average.
It’s amazing how a musical instrument and confidence to perform can be sexy – but it’s not very sexy to blow hot and cold and to keep dumping you and then getting back together. He’s taking you for granted and just thinks you’ll let him carry on this way. Only you can show him that you aren’t prepared to.
Don’t wait until he drops you again. Just stop following him, stop calling, stop going anywhere near him. If you’re already in one of the periods where you’ve split up, don’t go back to him.
He’s not the great person you think he is; he’s not worth you spending time with. Get a grip on this one, please, not only for your own self-esteem but as a symbol to all groupees out there, or girls who are band widows.
Guys can’t treat you like that and expect to get away with it - and if you let them, they’ll keep on doing it with you, and maybe someone else when they get bored and move on. Take control and if he doesn’t give you what makes you happy, give him the right message.