Gilly asks :
I was married for 30 years and had three children, who now have children of their own. It wasn't a good marriage as my husband was verbally abusive most of the time, and he also had an affair. I stayed for the children and put up with a lot as he didn't help me out much financially. I had 3 jobs for many years to support us while he was out of work for 12 years. I did it for my children. Nearly 5 years ago I decided I could no longer take anymore so I told him I wanted to separate. He just laughed at me; I think he thought I was joking. I got myself a completely new career and a life of my own, where I met a married man who was in a loveless relationship. We have been together now for 3and a half years (he is still married and lives at home with his wife. I am now divorced.
He still sleeps in the same bed as her but insists that they don't have sex and haven't done for many years. She still cooks and does his washing etc for him. He left his 1st wife and children for another woman then he left the other woman to be with his current wife he has been married for 18 years and I am his 3rd affair with this wife. He tells me everyday that he loves and adores me, and that I am his world and I am the best thing that has ever happened to him. His grown up children who have children of their own live a few hundred miles away from him. He has taken me with him on a number of occasions to see his family I get on really well with them they have made me very welcome then when we come back he goes his way and I go mine. His current wife doesn't bother with his family. I have even met his ex wife.
We have what I call a part-time relationship he always tells me he wants to be with me and spend the rest of his life with me he is 61 and I am 52. We go away for weekends and a few holidays as he is a youth leader and takes young people on activity weekends so he uses that as an excuse to go away with me to his wife. We were away for a week’s holiday and my phone broke so I was using his phone (that his wife doesn't know that he's got) so I could contact my family. I texted my daughter off his phone and a message came as I thought it was a reply from my daughter but it wasn't from her it was a message from another woman who is also a youth leader (who occasionally goes away on activity weekends as well). I was not happy when I read the message as it indicated that there was something going on between this man and her. I was gutted as I have been cheated on in my marriage.
I questioned him about it he told me who it was and that he had been texting her for about 3 or 4 months and that nothing had ever happened that it was just fun and it was a silly thing that he had done. I wanted to finish the relationship as I was heart broken after all the nice things he had said to me over the years. He keeps saying he wants to be with me but is not making any effort to get out of his marriage. When I tell him I feel like he is using me he says I'm being stupid and he's not using me. We went looking at houses in estate agents as I was thinking of moving closer to him as he lives 18 miles away from me and it would mean moving away from my family but not far.
When we were out I asked when we would be going away for a weekend next and he said he didn't have much money as he had to pay for a new car his wife had been and ordered (he has his own car) which he calls the family car (but he has no children with her) and she uses on a daily basis he only drives it about six times a year when he goes South to visit his sons and grandchild so indirectly I said that he was buying his wife a brand new car. He denied this I feel he is using me and wasting my time he says he isn't.
He always provides for her I've asked him if it's because he feels guilty he says no. I say that he's keeping 2 women provided for because he is good to me as well. I am so confused and need to know where I stand with him am I wasting my time waiting for him to leave his wife. I told him at the beginning of the year that would give until the end of 2012 to sort his life out if he's going to be with me and if he hasn't (it will be 4 and a half years we have been together then) that I wasn't going to waste anymore time waiting for him that I was going to go it alone in another direction he said I was bullying him.
I don't think I am as I'm not getting any younger and need to live my life as I haven’t had much of one. I told him he can't have his cake and eat it. I need your advice to see if I'm doing the right thing by waiting for him to leave his wife thank you.
Something really jumps out at me here, and that is that you’re suffering from low self esteem and you see this man as the person who got you feeling confident about yourself.
You’re worried that if you give up on him, you’ll slump back and you won’t be as confident any more. You deserve more, don’t you, after 30 years with someone else who didn’t appreciate you and treat you well? If you believe you deserve more, then you will get it.
Don’t send out the signal that you’re there for him when he wants you - and don’t even wait around for him to decide to leave his wife. Make a decision that is positive for yourself, looking forward.
You’re in your prime and many women start a single life at this age now. Early fifties is the new early 40s. You have plenty of time to find someone to grow old with - and better to grow old by yourself than with someone who is zapping you of your self-respect and peace.
You really have a warped sense of reality – you’ve been cheated on before and you managed to build your confidence up and get away from your cheating, neglectful, awful husband, and yet your main question here is should you wait around for another awful man, who is clearly addicted to the high he gets from new affairs.
NO Gilly, NO! You should not be waiting around for him. Everything about your problem spells out clearly what a waste of time he is. Okay, so he made you feel better about yourself for a while, but that is wearing thin now. No, he won’t leave his wife.
Not for you anyway. He relies on her for his creature comforts and to be honest, I doubt very much that she doesn’t know he has a ‘secret’ phone. She probably ‘lets’ him have his fun because she doesn’t want to lose him. She’s probably wise to it all and is having the last laugh because she knows he’ll never leave.