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Islandgirl’s Older Man Doesn’t Want The Same Thing
Islandgirl asks:
Two years ago I met a man at a work placement who I pretty much fell in love with at first sight. He is older than me by two decades, divorced with kids in the States.
He has a history of emotional issues, as do I. He is a very supportive and caring man by nature and a genuine lovely guy. I was still recovering from issues of my own when at six months after we met I told him I had feelings for me.
At that time he told me that he "wasn't looking for a partner and even if he could, it couldn't be anyone from the group". I accepted this at the time even though of course it hurt.
Since then the placement, a charity, folded and we have moved on to other things. As a group we meet up still and he comes along, too. He has a new job and seems completely different to how he was at the placement.
We have become friends and he made the effort to initiate this with me. I was trying to stay back as I felt foolish after what I had said initially.
Over the New Year because we were both alone I invited him to my place for a meal. He came, had a wonderful time and we've started texting daily, and hugging and kissing when meeting and parting.
He has trusted me with some very intimate information about his life and I feel we have a connection forming.
He flirts with me and it just "feels" as though he has changed his mind. I don't want to have to go through the whole confession thing again. I don't want what I feel to be my heart fooling me into believing something that isn't what it appears to be.
I keep reminding myself of what he said the first time, that he wasn't looking for a partner. It just doesn't seem like that anymore.
How does all this sound to you? As though I am trying to convince myself or do you think there might actually be something. I know you'll say I'll have to pluck up courage to ask him.
While it’s very easy to focus on behaviour that you think is positive, such as him coming to you for New Year, regular texting, hugging and kissing, trusting you with intimate information, if he hasn’t said anything about your relationship, I would urge you not to instigate a conversation.
Maybe he has changed his mind, maybe he wants something more now. It certainly is significant that he chose to spend New Year with you - because often, for a man who doesn’t want to commit to one woman, he’ll turn down an offer like that so that he isn’t sending out ‘couply’ signals.
But he came, so that’s got to be positive. It’s natural that you’ve kept yourself a little distant this time, and maybe that is what’s attracting him.
Perhaps he needs a woman who doesn’t appear to want a full-on relationship. I’d suggest you enjoy things as they are, don’t always be available when he wants to meet you, and keep a check on how happy he makes you day to day.
If he’s really adding something to your life, then enjoy it, don’t force it, and give it time. Maybe it’s a slow burner. But equally, if you get to a point where it’s getting you down or just leaving you confused, just give him a subtle signal.
No big conversations, no tearful phone calls, just ease off and see if he increases the attention.
If a man wants to have a partner, he’ll make sure he spells it out. If a man is remotely interested in you, he’ll act on it.
There is every chance that you’re projecting your own desires on to the situation here, and you’re persuading yourself that there is evidence to back up the fact that he has changed and now wants you to be his partner.
You’ve already suggested that you’re trying to convince yourself of this - and I’m sorry, I see nothing to make me think that there’s anything to suggest he wants the same as you.
Don’t pluck up the courage to ask him. If you insist on sticking around for him, let him do any of the talking unless it’s you saying you’re off. Don’t embarrass yourself.
Some men are highly skilled at making women feel a connection, in order to get them in to bed. It’s not just men obviously, but in this case, it sounds likely.
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