Kiwi’s long-term boyfriend won’t stop watching porn

15 August 2011

kiwi asks :

I read a few of ur posts and other women's posts about their boyfriend watching porn.. I'm sorry but I'm at a loss. I have confronted my boyfriend 3 different times about watching porn. Each time I tell thin how it makes me feel then I ask why he does it. His excuse is " I have nothing to say for myself." Or simply " I'm sorry."
And at this point sorry means nothing. I found porn in his phone. For the 4 th time... I don't know wht to do. I feel like SH*T . Especially since we have been dating 2 yrs.. Plz help

Yin replies

I’m so sorry that you’re going through this and really regret that you’ve tried three times, in different ways, to tackle this issue, which is obviously painful for you.
The fact is, he’s not going to change. You’ve either got to accept that he’s going to watch or download porn on his phone and decide not to search for it, or you’re going to have to walk away from the relationship.
I recently heard from a girl who was engaged, four years in to her relationship, and she still couldn’t get her fiancé to stop putting pressure on her to watch porn with him, to get off on a plastic doll he brought out, and he would ask her to drive to the local petrol station or shop without knickers on, while he masturbated at home – all clearly trying to set up his own little world of porn.
Two days after marrying him, she realised that she didn’t need him or the way he got turned on. Two months later, she had met a wonderful new man who treated her kindly and with great passion – but of the sort she was comfortable with.
I guess what I’m saying is, in the same way that we can have incompatible senses of humour, likes and dislikes, preferred ways of holidaying (some like relaxing beach holidays, others like extreme sports holidays), we can sometimes discover that our biggest differences lie in the bedroom or in what we’re comfortable with when it comes to sex.
If he needs porn in his life so much that he’s shown he’s not able to stop it, even though it makes you feel so low, then you need something different – because with every day that goes by, with you together, you will feel a little bit worse.
Or even worse, you could end up feeling like you don’t care anymore and in that way, you’d have lost your sense of who you are. This is obviously something that makes you feel bad, low, uncomfortable – it probably makes you feel that you aren’t satisfying him. That’s never the reason.
It comes down to taste, and in your eyes, he has really bad taste. You can’t change him. You can only win this one by either accepting it or walking away, head held high, knowing you’re worth so much more.
I really hope this helps to make you feel that you’re definitely not alone, you’re certainly not at fault, and you really can have a relationship that’s based on trust and where you can be sure you won’t stumble on any porn.

Yang replies

Is it really such a big thing for you that you’d be prepared to say ‘it’s the porn or me?’ Does he ask you to act it out?
Does he expect him to watch it with him? If it offends you or disgusts you, surely you don’t have to look? If it’s about you thinking you’re not satisfying him, look beyond that because porn is very rarely about not being satisfied.
Men with very active sex lives, even real players, can rely on a pile of porn mags or downloads to see them through a quiet night in. Think of it as more of a sport or hobby than some kind of seedy affair with an unknown woman.
Don’t glamourise it or make it in to something more meaningful than it is. If you really can’t stand it, tell him to enjoy it and leave him to it. He’ll soon come running – because it doesn’t mean anything!