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Laura’s Guilt Is Eating Her Alive
Laura asks:
My boyfriend and I are 19, were together for 2.5 years, split up and have recently got back together after almost two years of being apart (he dumped me, it was a shock as things between us were great). The day after we got together I met some of our neighbours for the first time and we got on great (friends with my mum), I met this bloke who she knows (he’s 30).
We got on really well and we spoke about my boyfriend a lot. He was surprised that I had been in a long distance relationship for so long, he put my boyfriend down a lot because of the way he left me and because he doesn’t text me much.
Anyway, one night a group of us were all having a laugh and it got really late, so this bloke said I should stay over and said no funny business would happen. We shared a bed and slept apart facing different directions, but I couldn’t sleep with the guilt so at 5am I went home. The next day this bloke was confused at why I went home.
We laughed about it and forgot about it. Same thing happened again, long night etc. and my mum didn’t want me walking home so late, I protested but once again this bloke promised no funny business. We got into bed and talked for hours.
After hours and hours of talking he put his arm around me, I took it off. He tried again. We ended up cuddling and talking for ages. He started going too far, it felt too intimate the way he hugged me, and eventually started running his hands over me and tried to kiss me but I pulled away.
I know I’m not innocent in this, I could have left, or stopped him. I got major butterflies. He’s such a lovely guy but I’m not physically attracted to him. I love my boyfriend so much, I’ve always said I’d never cheat. I feel awful and the guilt is eating me alive :( any advice? Please?
It sounds as though you have had your confidence knocked - your long-term boyfriend dumped you without warning, and so it’s natural that on getting back together, you have been a bit unsettled - and that is all you need to see this period as.
You had a knock to your confidence and saw the interest from this older man as a bit of boost. It’s always flattering to have attention from someone, especially someone who you would think is more experienced.
Okay, so you went a bit far by sleeping in his bed and perhaps that was naïve - he wouldn’t have been out of place to think you were interested, even though you both agreed there’d be no ‘funny business’.
But you acknowledge that you weren’t innocent in it. The best outcome for you is probably to see this as a wake-up call and something that has confirmed how much you love your boyfriend, focus on the fact that you didn’t want anything to happen, didn’t let anything too serious from happening, and accept that you just need to put it behind you.
Whether or not you decide to tell your boyfriend is down to how much you think it will help your relationship and future together - but first of all, have you considered talking to him about how splitting up made you feel, and let him know you need to know what went wrong for him back then. You don’t want the same problems coming back to bite you further down the line.
Get over it - you had a cuddle, you let a guy touch you - you didn’t get as far as kissing. What’s probably going to hurt your guy more than that is that you’ve confided in this virtual stranger, knowing he would probably tell you what you wanted to hear.
See it for what it was and don’t go on about the guilt. You weren’t feeling guilty enough to go home at bedtime after all. If you feel really bad about it and can’t get it out of your mind, tell your boyfriend - let him know you had a wobble because of all the recent change of heart and circumstances on his part. It might be a wake-up call to him.
Lies are no basis for a relationship and as trust is a major factor in long-distance relationships working, you do have something to deal with here.
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