Leela’s Online Guy Isn’t The Marrying Type

23 January 2011

leela asks :

I've been chatting with this guy online for about six months now and he’s asked me out several times but has also made it clear he doesn't want any relationship,
He just wants to hang out with me.. though he made it very clear that he likes me. Other times he’s even asked me to give this a chance, hinting at dating...though I haven't said yes to him yet, because I’m so confused about what he really wants.
Recently he told me he's not the marrying type as he doesn't believe in marriage, and isn't ever going to settle down - then asked me if would like to go out with him!

Yin replies

It sounds as though this guy doesn’t really know what he wants, and online dating was probably always something intended to help him find out.
Take into consideration he fact that he probably finds it difficult, the prospect of removing all that choice, by removing his profile from any websites - and so he’s saying he isn’t the marrying type so that he can make sure you don’t get too serious.
What does ‘going out’ with him mean to him - have you asked? Does it mean you’re exclusive or is it just a way of getting what he wants from you at no real cost to his own freedom. Be careful here. You haven’t met at all yet and don’t know anything about him for real.
Remember internet dating safety basics too, if you do meet him, make sure it’s somewhere public, make sure you tell a close friend the details, and if you have his mobile number, pass that to your friend, too.
And most importantly, don’t share any information that’s too personal or that could lead him to know where to find you. Just because he’s playing hard to get at the moment, doesn’t mean you’re going to want to keep in touch once you get to know him better.
If you do meet, I’d recommend keeping it relaxed and avoiding any talk about relationships.

Yang replies

If you went shopping, would you remain tempted by a product that kept letting itself down by telling you how it wouldn’t fulfill your needs or make you feel good? No. So why are you letting this guy, who you hardly know, bother you so much?
If you’re hooked on internet dating, don’t get hooked by a time waster. Fair enough, he’s laid his cards on the table and said he’s not the marrying type, but unless you’ve said something about marriage, you’d have to stop and think that this is an arrogant statement to make, surely?
I mean, you haven’t even met and he’s making sure you don’t think there’s something long-term there. Give him a miss. It doesn’t sound as if you’ll be missing much.