Lily asks :
My boyfriend and I are in the best of relationships. We're both very easy going and we are very much in love. Recently, my family went on holiday abroad for a few months, and I have been left at home because I have college exams to study for.
My family home is empty, quiet and ideal for studying in, whereas the apartment I rent for college is temptingly close to the city and a whole range of distractions, so I decided to go to my family home for a few weeks to study in peace.
However, my boyfriend is "worried" about me staying there on my own and is determined to come with me. I love him very much and I adore spending time with him, but I really just need some space to study. How do I firmly tell him that I need space without hurting his feelings?
I don't want him to think he's not welcome or that I don't want to spend time with him, I just want him to understand that while I know that he's worried about me being on my own, I'm a big girl and can take care of myself, and I really need to study for my exams!!! Please help!!
You do sound like you have a tricky situation there - does he want to look after you or does he want the opportunity for some time to hang out with you? You’ve made your choice based on what you know you need.
If he truly loves you, he’ll respect that and trust that you are okay by yourself. It’s a fairly common decision for someone to make, and so you’re not being unusual. Perhaps you could invite him down for a two-day break every 10 days or so, but say that you really do need this time to focus.
Are you afraid that if he comes for a short stay, he won’t go and you’ll find it hard to push him out? You have to remember that even though you are very much in love, you can’t guarantee you’ll be together forever and if things didn’t work out, and you also ended up with lower grades than you wanted, or needed, then would you look back and regret being soft on him?
You sound like someone who is driven and who wants to succeed, so he’s either got to love you for who you are and respect that, or consider that you’re not so compatible after all.
It’s understandable that he’d want to be with you - of course he does. You two, alone, a nice house in the country. Take it as a compliment that he wants to spend that time with you – but just restrict him to a week.
Say you want a week by yourself, then he can come for a few days, and then you want another week by yourself, and then you’ll think about him coming back for the rest of the time.
Dangle some carrots, make him think there’s something to look forward to. Assure him that you’ll be fine but acknowledge he’s doing nothing wrong by showing concern and care for you – and so say you want to trial being by yourself first. He sounds a lot less mature than you are, and a lot less driven. So be careful!
Need Help?
If you need help or advice, you can ask Yin & Yang. It is quick, easy, free and you don't have to leave your real name. Ask Now!
