soha asks :
Hello. I am 13 years old and my parents have been married for 20 years, I have two brothers, one is 19, the other 6. Recently I saw messages on my mum’s phone with a man that she and my dad are friends with on Facebook as they spoke through mutual friends.
However the conversation she was having existed of a very dirty chat which also mentioned how she had stripped on Skype for him. Shocked, I showed my older brother and as he doesn't live at home much due to university, he just suggested that we confront mum, tell dad or message this guy from my mum’s phone telling him to stay away.
However, I'm too scared and embarrassed to do anything so I thought I'll just leave it and see if it stops. A month passes and it hasn't. I delete him from her contacts and also block him on Facebook from her account as I was confused about what to do.
My dad is leaving to live abroad in a week’s time permanently for his job so my mum’s secret affair will most definitely escalate with my dad and brother away.
Please help, what should I do? I always thought my parents had a healthy relationship despite arguments and financial difficulties. Oh and by the way, she added him back on Facebook and they're chatting dirty again.
It’s not fair that you are having to deal with this. However old or young you are, you are their daughter and your brother should at least step in to offer more support. Although it’s no reassurance, you are not alone.
The sad reality of social networking is that it allows people to have affairs online and it can be, and often is, read by members of the family who have open access. If your mum has reinstated this man as a friend, then it suggests she knows someone has worked it out - and if she knows it is you, she is probably just hoping that you won’t say anything.
By not dealing with it, she’s kidding herself that it’s not a time bomb about to explode. Is there an older member of your family who you can approach - for example your mum’s sister or a friend of hers? Place it in the hands of an adult anyway.
If it is affecting your school work, which it could well be, then perhaps you should mention it to your Head of Year or Form Tutor; or even the School Nurse in a conversation about how it is affecting your stress levels and emotional wellbeing.
She might have some advice. If you really feel that your dad should know, then the best thing you can probably do is to get him to log-in and have a look himself, or tell him that you saw something on Mum’s Facebook and think he should have a look. Or tell him that you have concerns about him leaving to live abroad.
Of course, there is always the option that they both know their relationship has hit a problem and perhaps they have both opted to place some distance between themselves so that they can work things out.
With adults, you never know how much they’re keeping from you in order to protect you - but in this situation, perhaps you know more than they think you do. The main thing here is to take the ball out of your court and make the adults involved take responsibility.
Honesty is the best policy. Your brother is right - if you’ve been looking at your mum’s messages, you obviously expected to find something, so you should be willing to act on what you find.
You’re 13 but you sound mature enough to handle something like this. Sit your mum down, tell her that you’re really worried about your dad going away and the effect it might have on the family, ask her if there is a reason why he’s going to be away permanently and if you’re all planning to join him at some point?
Say you’re worried that they might become distant and one of them might have an affair. Give her a few chances to be honest and tell you if there’s more to it, and then if you get nothing from her, tell her what you have read and seen, and how it made you feel.
Leave it there. It’s for her to decide what happens next but she can’t deny how her actions make you feel. No one can. Your feelings are your own and they’re true.
Tell her what you think she should do but reassure that you won’t be getting involved beyond letting her know your feelings. You don’t want to create difficulties for your own relationship with her, and make that clear.
Good luck - it’s not easy, but you come across as someone who wants people to do the right thing and you deserve that of your parents.
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