suzanne asks :
I have decided to end an eight-month relationship with a man I love very much after a stupid argument. I do not trust him 100% and I don’t see a future with him, and this argument has brought it all to a head.
Now that the anger is subsiding I am having a battle of will trying not to contact him. Part of me cannot reason with myself to not be with this man, no matter what has happened or what the future holds love should conquer all and we should be together, but the other part of me thinks that I deserve to be happy and in a loving, secure relationship and be making plans for the future (I’m 33).
But what if I do not find someone I love as much as this, it’s a love that I now know is unhealthy and I am finding it almost unbearable not to have him in my life even though when he was, I was unhappy at times with the lack of contact and emotion from him and felt that I was just slotting into his life when it suited him.
But when I was with him I just can’t describe how good it felt to be around him and in his arms, although my 'I love yous' were never reciprocated. He says he struggled with saying things like that but he did he love me.
Do I hang on for these days when we are together, sometimes 3 - 4 weeks only for a few hours? I am torn. Every day I feel is a struggle and I am dragging my feet. I don’t exist any more, I don’t have any interest in anything.
I just want to talk to him but I know no good will come of it. I want to know why he hasn’t contacted me, has all the things I have thought about possible lies true enough. I just want to sleep and to wake up and it all be gone. Please help
For your own sake, stick to your guns. You’ve made the brave decision to split and for good reasons - if only more people were strong enough to recognise when a relationship isn’t healthy, and act on it.
You have done the right thing here. You were clearly craving more than he was prepared, or able, to give you in terms of affection and commitment, and it sounds as if you never really felt secure - as you say you feel you deserve to be in a happy and loving, secure relationship. Of course you do.
Whatever you feel about being 33 and having fears about never finding another love like this - well, what if you can find something a hundred times better? You won’t know until you really relinquish all ties with this man.
There are too many women out there in their 30s and 40s, holding onto false hopes with guys who are never going to give them what they really need. The lucky ones are the ones with the strength of character and will to resist settling for second best.
Everything about your situation screams of the need to move on. Unfortunately, no one can tell you why he hasn’t contacted you and no one can promise you that it’ll all be over if you go to sleep - but I can tell you that there’s more chance of you being happier a year down the line if you are without him than if you are still with him or hoping to be with him. You’re not alone.
I know a lady who broke her own heart, willingly, because she knew that her partner of five years was never going to give her what she really needed. When she walked away, he came running after her, proposing, writing poetry, sending her flowers, admitting he hadn’t been affectionate enough and he did everything she had always wanted him to do.
But she had already forced herself to move on. And a good thing, because a few months later, after holding her ground and resisting his demonstrations of love, she met another guy who she just clicked with and they’re now engaged.
She looks back at this other guy and thinks what a pity he wasn’t like that from the beginning - but who wants to be with someone who needs such a wake-up call to be able to show you they love you? You’re worth more than that.
Without knowing you, but from reading your letter, it’s obviously you’re worth more and you’re strong enough to see it through.